He definitely felt pathetic, as though his whole world had been turned upside down and inside out and he no longer knew who or what he was.
He headed for the room where Tara was staying with Christian. After knocking on the door, he waited, shifting impatiently. He thought they might not be in, but then he heard footsteps. The door was yanked open and Christian stood there, naked but for a pair of obviously hastily pulled on jeans.
“What?” he snarled.
“I need to speak to Tara.”
“She’s asleep.”
He swallowed down his urge to punch Christian on the nose and took a deep breath. “It’s important.”
Christian examined him for a moment, his brows drawing together. “Okay. I’ll go see if she’ll talk to you.”
He could hear their murmured conversation, and the rustle of clothes. Tara appeared a minute later. He expected her to be hostile. She usually was, but a small smile curved her lips. He stared at her for long moments. She was so like her mother, that pain stabbed him in the chest.
“What is it?” she asked and he could hear the concern in her voice.
“Can I talk to you?” He glanced over her shoulder and couldn’t see Christian. But he wanted this conversation to be private. He didn’t want her to be influenced by anyone else.
She bit her lip, but nodded and followed him. He led the way to a small parlor and indicated that she should take a seat. Then sat down opposite, resting his arms on his thighs and staring into the fire.
“Tell me,” she said.
But now he had her here, he couldn’t seem to get the words out. What if she wanted him to take the deal? What if her mother was more important than his honor?
Than the committee?
Than Faith?
“I’ve seen Raphael,” he said. “He offered me a deal. In exchange for handing over Roz.”
Confusion flowed across her features. “But you told him no.”
“Not yet. I have a day.”
“Why didn’t you tell them to go to hell?”
“I needed to speak to you first. This is more your decision than mine.”
Her brows drew together in a frown. “I don’t understand. What did they offer you?”
“To bring your mother back from the dead.”
Her mouth fell open. Whatever she’d been expecting it obviously hadn’t been even vaguely close. What a surprise. She swallowed, looked away. Looked back. “Can they do that?”
“It’s against the laws, but Raphael assured me it’s been authorized.”
“What did you tell them?”
“Nothing. I—” He got up and paced the room, ran a hand through his hair. “It took me by surprise.”
“I don’t remember her,” Tara said.
“She was beautiful and good and…” He shook his head. Not wanting to go on.
Tara finished for him. “And she would have been the first person to say no to this deal. To tell you that you can’t sacrifice your friends.”
“No. Only yourself. Lily died giving you life.”
Anger flashed across her face. “You want to make this deal?”
As she said the words, his thoughts crystalized in his mind until they were sharp and clear. “No. But I’m not sure of my motives when I say that. That’s why I need you to decide.”
“I don’t understand.”
He paced some more, then came to a halt in front of her. “I—” He forced himself to go on. “I’m in love with Faith. What if that is what’s driving my decision?”
He’d expected to see more shock but instead, she nodded. “I could tell you cared for her.”
“She doesn’t want anything to do with me. Apparently, I’m a monster.”
A faint smile flickered across her face. “My mother probably thought the same—at first.”
“She always did and loved me in spite of it.”
“Maybe she saw what you could be. Don’t make that a lie by bringing her back. Not under these circumstances. Not at the expense of Roz.”
“There’s more to it than that. I believe they want to destroy the Council.” He explained his reasoning and she nodded again.
“I’ll tell Christian. It probably won’t come as a surprise.”
“Why?”
“Well, Ryan just informed us that apparently Faith’s ultimate boss at MI13 was a man called Raphael.”
“Shit. That would explain how they were able to keep Tara hidden from me.” He rubbed a finger over his forehead. “The bastard has been trying to bring down the Order using mankind.”
He ran a hand through his hair, trying to work out how that could be of use to them. The angels had broken no end of laws by interfering in the Order and involving humans. Surely, Ash could use that as leverage to get them to leave off Roz.
He glanced up to find Tara studying him, her head cocked on one side. “So you love Faith. What are you going to do about it?”
“I should send her away.”
“But…”
“First, I’ll try and persuade her that the monsters aren’t so bad.” He shook his head. “A human. Who would have believed it?”
“Go see her,” Tara said. “She’s not feeling too good.”
“She isn’t?” Had he hurt her? Been too rough?