I felt like I was going to be sick.
No, rephrase that to I was going to be sick.
Climbing over the low fence that separated the path from a wooded area, I ran into the bushes, dropped my bag on the wet grass, ducked behind the nearest tree, and vomited violently.
There was very little in my stomach, but the apple I'd eaten earlier came up in glorious fashion.
Shuddering in revulsion, I remained in a crouched position, inhaling several calming breaths, while I attempted to calm myself down.
My entire body was trembling violently, and I wasn’t sure if it was from the rain pelting down on me or the sheer terror in my heart.
I suspected both.
Several minutes later, when I was sure I could move again, I stood up gingerly and wiped my mouth with the back of my hand.
Pressing a hand to my stomach, I exhaled a ragged breath and looked around.
Thankfully, I had managed to position myself out of sight from the lane.
This time.
I reached into my schoolbag for my water bottle only to realize that, in my haste, I had grabbed the wrong bag.
My school bag was back in the P.E hall.
"Crap," I croaked out.
Shoulders sagging, I slung my gear bag onto my back and made my way back to the road.
I didn’t bother running this time.
I was all out of energy.
I was all out of everything.
If Bella wanted to hurt me, then no amount of running away would change that.
She would find a way.
They always did.
The worrisome thing was I didn’t know what she looked like.
I didn’t know who to watch out for.
Everyone, my brain insisted. Trust nobody.
With the rain pouring down on me, seeping through my clothes, I walked slowly back to the P.E hall with my head down and my flight-mode deactivated.
There was a steady stream of fast flowing water running down the road and the grassy dike to the left of the path was underwater that I was careful to avoid when I crossed over towards the P.E building.
Unlike earlier when I had been running and not taking any notice of the weather, I was achingly aware of my surroundings now – and the shitty Irish weather.
God, if it didn’t stop raining soon, the town would be put under flood alert.
It wasn’t an uncommon thing for Cork in the winter and sometimes early spring.
Hell, it could even flood in the summer in Cork.
Without the protection of the coat I had left in my locker, my clothes were soaked right through.
My feet were wet, my socks drenched from scurrying around trying to find a spot in the woods to vomit. The sensation of my wet uniform clinging to my equally wet skin made me feel both icky and cold.
Everyone was gone when I eventually returned to the hall, the earlier noise and bustle from my classmates noticeably absent.
Grateful for the temporary shelter from the monsoon outside, I went straight for the girls’ changing rooms and breathed a sigh of relief when I spotted my schoolbag on the bench where I had left it.
I was still getting used to my things not being touched in this school.
I walked over to my bag and picked it up, only to notice a torn-out page from a copybook flutter to the floor.
I ignored it.
Soaked to the skin, I grabbed my emergency pouch, trudged into the bathroom and quickly brushed my teeth, gagging when the brush poked the back of my throat.
When I was finished cleaning my mouth, I rinsed off the toothbrush and tucked it back inside the small zip lock bag with the paste and walked back to my get my bag.
Checking my watch, I noted that it was 4:25.
Aside from my shorts and jersey and a clean pair of underwear, something I always carried, I didn’t have a spare change of clothes at school, so I would have to suffer on until I got home.
My bus wasn’t for another hour but I knew I would much rather wait at the bus stop for it to arrive than risk bumping into Bella inside the school.
Even though I didn’t know what Bella looked like, I wasn’t prepared to put myself through that level of worry.
Not even for my coat that was still in my locker.
The rain was worth my peace of mind.
Tucking my emergency pouch back into the front pocket of my schoolbag, I hoisted it onto my back and settled the straps of my bag on my shoulders, before reaching for the note.
Shan,
I should’ve kept my fat gob shut. I really didn’t mean to upset you. I thought we were all joking around and I got caught up in the banter. Sometimes, I forget about all the horrible things those girls did to you. It's hard because you seem so happy here… and different? Different in a good way.
And don’t take any notice of Shelly and Helen. They are complete drama-whores. Bella won't lay a finger on you. I promise.
Anyway, I'm really sorry and please text me when you get home.
Love Claire. x.x.x
I read the note three more times before stuffing it into the pocket of my skirt. Then I tucked my gear bag under the bench next to Claire's before leaving the changing room.
I wasn’t mad at Claire.
Their banter was perfectly normal.
It was my reaction to the banter that I was mad about.
My constant overreaction to everything.
I needed to work on myself.
I needed to stop being scared all the time.
It was hard, though, when I spent most of my waking hours in a constant state of paranoia and anxiety.
Joey told me that I had to fight back.
He said it again last night when he was rubbing my back as I tried to breathe through a panic attack.
He told me that if he ever put his hands on me again I should grab a weapon.
I was afraid to, though.
I was terrified of unleashing something I might not be able to rein back in.
It was because of my lack of action that my brother ended up taking a beating last night.
I knew Joey didn’t blame me for his broken nose, but the text message I'd received from him earlier, letting me know that he was staying with Aoife for the night, made the prospect of going home a terrifying one.
He was bailing out and I didn’t blame him.
If I had a safe place to fall, I would hurl myself towards it.
That's what Aoife was to my brother.
Joey had Aoife and I had no one.
Deep in thought, I was at the bottom of the steps outside the P.E building when the sound of my name being called rocketed through the air.
"Shannon."
Turning around, I watched as Johnny jogged down the steep steps of the building, pulling up the hood of his navy jacket as he went.
Don’t overreact and run, I silently commanded as my feet twitched beneath me. Just say hi.
Realizing that I was physically nodding along to my mental affirmations, I cleared my throat and offered a weak, "Hi, Johnny."
"Hi, Shannon," he puffed, coming to a stop in front of me. "How's it going?"
"Okay," I squeezed out as I tried to keep my features impassive. It was an impossible feat when every ounce of blood in my body was rushing to my face, encouraged by my thunderous heartbeat. "You, uh, were in the hall?"
"Yeah." Johnny nodded. "I had a few things I needed to go through with Coach." A small smile pulled at his lips. "You weren't messing when you said you didn’t play any sports, huh?"
I flamed in embarrassment.
"Ah, no, I wasn’t."
"How's your Mam?" he asked, blue eyes sharp and probing.
"Oh, she's uh–" I paused to tuck a drenched tendril of hair behind my ear, "She's a lot better now."
"That's good," he said, and it sounded like he genuinely meant it. "You were at home helping her last week? That's why you didn’t come to school?"
"Um, yeah, she needed some help after the, uh, the –" I shook my head before adding, "Mam's okay now. She's back to work and everything."
Johnny's brows shot up. "So soon?"
You're one to talk, Mr. Adductor…
I shrugged. "That's what she wanted."
"What about you?" Johnny asked then.
I frowned. "What about me?"
His blue eyes burned holes in mine when he said, "Are you okay?"
"I'm okay," I croaked out, feeling incredibly nervous to be so close to him again.
"You know," he mused. "I'm starting to really dislike that word."
"Well, I am," I choked out. "Okay, that is."