"You wouldn’t mind?" Shannon asked, all wide-eyed, as she tentatively shifted closer until her knees were touching my left thigh.
"No, Shannon." Failing miserably, I reached over and tucked a rogue strand of hair behind her ear. "I wouldn’t mind."
Stop this, Johnny.
Stop this now!
I tried.
I truly, honest to god, tried to make my body get off her bed, but she was there, she was right fucking there, and I couldn’t find an ounce of resolve inside of me.
I just sat there, knowing what was coming, knowing it was the worst possible thing I could allow to happen, and still wanting it more than my next breath.
"Maybe in the library next time," I finally found the words to say. "Or school."
Her small, heart shaped face nodded up and down. "Okay."
"Because I shouldn’t be here," I added weakly. "In your room."
"I know," she replied, voice small and uncertain.
"It's, uh…" I swallowed deeply. "I should probably go home now."
"Johnny?" she whispered.
"Yeah?"
"Hi," she breathed, edging closer.
"Hi," I croaked out, fisting her duvet so tightly I was fairly sure I was going to rip the fabric.
"Johnny?" Shannon whispered again.
"Yeah?"
"I’m going to hug you now." She hitched her leg over mine. "Is that okay?"
Don’t do it.
You'll never get over this girl.
"Yeah," I exhaled a ragged breath, feeling my heart smash against my ribcage, as she hovered above me. "That's okay."
"Thanks for today," she whispered in my ear as she straddled me.
"You're welcome," I replied gruffly, clinging to my self-restraint for all I was worth.
Don’t put your hands on her.
Too fucking late.
My hands moved of their own accord, shooting out to clamp her hips.
The sensation of having her on top of me was too much.
It was all too fucking much.
"I should go," I groaned, as I dragged her on my lap, unable to stop myself from thrusting upwards.
Fuck the pain in my groin.
I was on fire for this girl.
Shannon wrapped her arms around my shoulders and gingerly rocked her hips on top of me in the best, most fucked up hug I'd ever received.
"I don’t want you to go," she moaned – she actually fucking moaned in my ear.
Groaning, I sat forward and pulled her roughly against me, hugging on her and rocking on her, and losing my mind in her.
You're playing with fire.
This girl is going to ruin you.
Fuck.
"I should go," I continued to tell her as I buried my face in her gorgeous neck and prayed for divine intervention to stop me before I took something from her that I couldn’t give back.
Before she took something from me that I could never get back.
Because I had never felt this much for anyone.
And it was with that knowledge that I knew I could never be selfish with her.
"Shannon, I really need to go home now," I told her, tone thick and gravelly. "Really."
"Oh…of course. I'm so sorry," she whispered as she scrambled off my lap. "If that's what you want?" she added, retreating to the far corner of her bed.
No.
No, that wasn’t what I wanted at all.
But it was the right thing to do.
Dammit to hell!
With self-control I didn’t know I possessed, I climbed off her bed and stood up.
Keeping my back to Shannon, I walked over to her window and pretended to stare out, while I discreetly rearranged the huge fucking problem in my pants.
I knew I was probably freaking Shannon out by just standing here like this, but I couldn’t walk until I had calmed down.
I was hurt and horny.
It was a terrible combination.
Inhaling several calming breaths, I clenched my eyes shut and strived for control, and thought of every un-sexy thing imaginable ranging from my dead grandmother, god bless her soul, to Gibsie in drag.
By the time Shannon spoke again, I had managed to settle myself.
"Johnny?" she said in a small voice from her perch on the bed. "I'm sorry."
"Don't be sorry," I replied, tone thick and husky, confident that I wouldn’t traumatize her when I turned around. "It's all good. I'm uh, just…I'm going to go home now."
"Okay." She nodded shyly and climbed off the bed. "I'll walk you out."
I kept a wide berth of her body as I trailed after her, knowing that if I didn’t there was a good chance I would take her back in that bedroom and mess up beyond repair.
Like every time I walked away from this girl, the closer I got to leaving, the more depressed I felt.
"So, I guess I'll see you tomorrow?" Shannon said when I stepped outside.
"Yeah." Shoving my hand into my pocket, I pulled out my car keys. "You definitely will."
"Thanks again for today."
"Thanks for showing me your room," I replied, cringing internally at the stupid fucking comment.
"Oh, no problem. You can see it anytime," Shannon replied, smiling.
I smirked at her verbal blunder.
"Oh, God." She slapped a hand over her mouth, eyes bulging. "I didn’t –"
"Relax," I chuckled. "I know what you meant."
I stepped forward then, because I was a masochistic bastard with a penchant for torturing myself and pressed a kiss to her cheek. "Bye, Shannon."
"Bye, Johnny," she whispered, shivering on the doorstep.
I turned around then and walked straight to my car, not daring to look back at her.
Masochistic or not, if I turned back and looked at those midnight blue eyes again, I was going to drown in them.
52
Rude awakening
Shannon
"What are you doing up?" Dad barked when I walked into the living room later that night to get my phone that I had foolishly forgotten on the couch when I was doing an emergency clean up after Johnny left.
"I left my phone down here," I quickly explained. I'd been so distracted by Johnny that I had to get all my chores done in record time.
"Then get it and go," Dad ordered. "United are playing."
It wasn’t like me to leave stuff lying around the place, but my head was in the clouds.
Cloud Johnny, to be precise.
I knew I had played a dangerous game of Russian roulette by taking him up to my bedroom this afternoon.
If my father had come home, he would have killed me.
The problem was, if the opportunity presented itself, I knew I would do it again.
Having him in my space like that, even just for a little while, was wonderful.
It was personal.
And I felt safe.
Like nothing could touch me when he was close.
In a messed-up way, I think I did it on purpose?
Like I half-hoped my father would come home just so he could see the huge boy who I knew wouldn’t let him hurt me.
That was a crazy thought.
I was being crazy.
Thinking about Johnny sitting on my bed, offering to tutor me, made my heart thump against my ribcage.
He was so smart.
Like for real, he was incredibly intelligent and patient and a million other amazing things.
After he left, I spent the rest of the evening in emotional overload, thinking about how reckless I had behaved.
I had no idea what I was thinking when I climbed onto his lap like that, but I didn’t care because Johnny hugged me back.
He held me to his body and hugged me so tight that I was still trembling from the contact.
And then he kissed me goodbye.
Granted, it was on the cheek, but still.
His lips had touched my body without coercion.
I didn’t even care about Bella right now.
Not tonight at least.
It was hard to dwell on the negative when something so incredibly positive had just happened to me.
I understood that he didn’t see me in the way I saw him, and I got that this would never amount to anything more than friends, but I didn’t care because he seemed to be sticking around.
He seemed determined to help me.
I wasn’t sure what was happening, but whatever it was, I didn’t want it to stop.
I was happy to be his friend.
I just wanted to keep him in my life.
In whatever way I could.
I wanted him to stay…
"Are you deaf?" my father's slurred voice penetrated my thoughts, bringing me back down to reality with a depressing bang.
"Huh?"
"I said get out of the fucking way," Dad barked, tossing the remote at me. "I can't see the match with ya!"