If you’re a teen who prefers to talk with another teen, you can also reach out to Teen Line by calling 1-310-855-HOPE (4673). Trans Lifeline offers crisis support for trans people by trans people at 1-877-565-8860 in the United States and 1-877-330-6366 in Canada.
Helplines are available in many places and in many forms. If you’re outside of the United States, you can find suicide prevention hotlines for your country via www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines as well as via www.yourlifecounts.org/need-help/crisis-lines.
In Canada, crisis centers are organized by province. You can find a list of resources through the Canadian Association for Suicide Prevention (suicideprevention.ca), while MindYourMind offers both resources and interactive tools (mindyourmind.ca).
In the UK and Ireland, you can reach out to the Samaritans helpline at 116 123. In the UK, Mind provides advice and support too, via mind.org.uk and via the Mind Infoline at 0300 123 3393.
In Australia, BeyondBlue offers support and advice via beyondblue.org.au and at 1300 22 4636. Lifeline offers crisis support and suicide prevention at 13 11 14. In New Zealand, you can also reach out to Lifeline, by calling 0800 LIFELINE (543 354). If you’re dealing with suicidal thoughts, call 0508 TAUTOKO (828 865). New Zealand’s national mental health and addictions helpline number is 1737.
Please reach out to someone. Please know that you matter. Please stay.
Acknowledgments
One of the greatest joys and greatest honors of being an author is being part of a larger community. Thank you to the many writers and creators who amaze and inspire me. To the advocates who work tirelessly to make books more welcoming and more inclusive. To the countless readers who read and shared my books, who reached out to me, who trusted with me their hopes and dreams. To you, holding this book. Thank you. Here’s to many more.
Never-ending gratitude—
To Jennifer Udden, best and fiercest of agents. Thank you for being such a passionate champion of my stories. I’m so grateful you have my back. To Barry Goldblatt, for making me feel so at home in the BG Literary family. And to Tricia Ready, for appreciating snow as much as I do.
To Annette Pollert-Morgan, my magnificent editor. Your comments push me beyond what I thought my limits were, and your insight makes me a better author at every step of the way.
To everyone at Sourcebooks, for being such a welcoming home for me and my books: Dominique Raccah, Barb Briel, Todd Stocke, Steve Geck, Sarah Kasman, Cassie Gutman, Bret Kehoe, Michelle Lecuyer, Lynne Hartzer, Nicole Hower, Kelly Lawler, Sarah Cardillo, Danielle McNaughton, Heather Moore, Valerie Pierce, Beth Oleniczak, Alex Yeadon, Chris Bauerle, Heidi Weiland, Sean Murray, Bill Preston, Margaret Coffee, Shane White, Sara Hartman-Seeskin, Caitlin Lawler, Jennifer Sterkowitz, John Donnelly, Tina Wilson, Christy Droege, Susan Busch. You are all extraordinary. You make dreams come true.
To my foreign publishers, for letting my stories travel the world. It’s such an honor.
To the stars in my night sky: Hannah Weyh, my favorite unicorn, who was the very first person I told about Corey and Kyra (back when they still had different names). Dahlia Adler, who believes in me even when I don’t and whose fierce embrace of Lost Creek kept me going. Corinne Duyvis, my partner in adventures and accidental twin in all ways that count. And Fox Benwell, without whom this book would not exist and without whom I would be less than I am.
To Katherine Locke, for chats about plots, politics, publishing, and for always being there. Jessica Spotswood, for long emails and companionship. Francesca Zappia, for geeking out, terrible ideas, and awkward tapestries. Rebecca Coffindaffer, PitchMadness team cohost and community cheerleader extraordinaire. And to so many others. (You know who you are.) Thank you.
Unending gratitude to the sensitivity readers who shared their experiences with me, who read this book at various stages in the process and tirelessly helped me to shape this story and these characters: Ami Allen-Vath, Tawney Bland, Rae Chang, Ronni Davis, Lex Leonov, Tara Sim, Kayla Whaley, and those of you who wish not to be named. I am so grateful for your friendship and your generosity. What I did right was because of you; any mistakes I made are squarely on me.
To Becky Albertalli and Heidi Heilig, who fended my questions with patience and grace. You are two of the kindest, most generous people I know, and it’s an honor to call you friends.
I wrote a good chunk of this book in a Scottish mansion, in amazing company. So this one goes out to the Writing Weasels. For playing Sardines in haunted hallways, exploring castles with secret libraries, and foraging our own food in the woods.
Stories lie at the heart of Before I Let Go, and stories have always been the heart of me too. Storytelling shaped me and saved me. Books inspire me. And in the process of working on this book, I tripped and fell into the internet and rediscovered my love for shared story worlds. Thank you to the cast, crew, and community of Critical Role, for being instrumental in that, for bolstering my creativity at a time when I didn’t think anything could. To the parties I’ve played with and the players I had the honor of GMing. And especially to my YA&D crew. You’re the finest, most dysfunctional party any DM could wish for. Thank you for diving headlong into a world that only exists in my imagination and for giving it life. (PS: Mind the Trickster. Watch the Thief. Beware the Dragon.)
Finally, always, to my mom, my sisters, my nephew, my closest friends, the people who know me better than I do: you are the brightest constellations. Thank you. Endlessly.
About the Author
Marieke Nijkamp is a storyteller, dreamer, globe-trotter, geek. She holds degrees in philosophy, history, and medieval studies, has served as an executive member of We Need Diverse Books, is the founder of DiversifYA, and is a founding contributor to YA Misfits. She lives in the Netherlands. Visit her at mariekenijkamp.com.