“After you got shot and all of the stuff with Brandon finally ended, something inside of me shut down. I didn’t know how to deal with everything. The memories of what he had done to me and to Izzy. I couldn’t see past the fear he had brought back when I was tied and at his merciless hands. Seeing Izzy’s life so close to being taken, and you, Jesus, Greg, watching you almost die. I shut down. The depression wasn’t even a match against the rest of the battles raging inside of me. Beck was there every step of the way for months until I finally succeeded in pushing him away.” I keep my eyes locked with his as I finish my story. I tell him about the times Beck saved my life, the therapy I’ve been in for the PTSD, and everything in between. When the first tear falls from his eyes, I almost have to stop talking, but somehow, I manage to get to the end.
When the last word leaves my mouth, he takes a great shuddering breath. He stands from the couch and walks over to the window overlooking the backyard. I can see his reflection against the glass. His eyes are closed tight, and I watch him struggle with his control. Right when I’m about to open my mouth and beg him to say something, anything, his eyes open and he turns, just staring at me. His eyes are full of unshed tears, and his Adam’s apple is bobbing with the force of his emotions. He opens his arms, and I move quickly from my spot on the couch. It’s only a few steps, but when his arms come around and close tight around my body. I let out a sob. He buries his head in the crook of my neck, and I can feel the wetness of his tears against my shoulder. His big powerful body is shaking with the enormity of his grief. We stand here for the longest time, just offering each other the strength needed. I know he needs to let all of it sink in, and if we have to stand here for hours, then so be it.
By the time he pulls back, my own tears have wet the fabric of his shirt. His eyes are dry but bloodshot, and the sadness in his gaze causes my own tears to come rushing back.
“I’m sorry.” I repeat my earlier words. He shakes his head and offers me a small smile.
“The way I see it, you have nothing to be sorry for, Dee. As much as it tears me apart to know you were fighting all of that and didn’t tell anyone, I look at you now on the other side of all that pain, and I couldn’t be more proud. Beck’s your rock and, Babe, even if I hadn’t been so foolishly blind I’m pretty sure that he’s the only one that would have ever been able to help pull you back up. God, it’s eating me up to know what you’ve been living with.” He shakes his head, clearly still trying to calm the emotions that I’ve brought forth.
“I don’t blame you. I don’t want you to think that, even once, during all of this time, that I blamed you for not seeing. I didn’t want you to see. I hid and put the happiness on to the extreme. You can’t beat yourself up when I did my best to make sure that you couldn’t see. That’s on me, Greg.” I can tell he doesn’t agree with me, but he doesn’t argue.
“Don’t keep things from me anymore, Dee. Family doesn’t do that shit.” His eyes lose a little of the sadness, and his tone gets sharp.
I silently let some of the worry seep from my body when I realize the worst is over.
“I won’t, I promise.”
“Are you doing okay… with everything that’s happening right now? You aren’t struggling or anything?”
I know what he’s asking. He wants to know if I’m sinking and need a life vest.
“Yeah, Greg. I’m really doing okay. I’m worried, but I think that’s pretty normal. I’ve called Dr. Maxwell a few times since I’ve been back from the hospital. She’s helped me stay on track, and to be honest, I don’t feel the hooks of my old fears at all. I’m stronger now. Between all of my coping techniques and everything that is John Beckett, I’m pretty close to normal. I still have my moments, but most of the time, those are a few nightmares that keep me up, and even those are coming less frequently.”
“And Beck? You two are good?”
“We’re amazing.” The conviction behind those words has Greg’s smile coming out, and for the first time since he got here, the smile I return isn’t forced, and it washes all of the pain from my body like a waterfall. The thought of Beck and all the love we share is enough to heal even the deepest of my wounds.
“Thank you for telling me. I know that wasn’t easy, and I’m not going to lie to you, it hurts like hell, but I’m glad that you let me in.” He takes a deep breath and looks me hard in the eyes. “If you ever keep shit like that from me again, I’m going to let Melissa kick your ass for me.”
We both laugh, and just like that the mood is lifted, and even though the pain lingers in his eyes, I know that everything is going to be okay.
I’m about two seconds from climbing the walls of my office. I have been here for almost two hours and haven’t heard a word from Greg or Dee. Axel and Coop have been giving me my space and I’m thankful for it. Axel came in when I first got here, and I almost took his head off with one of the books I threw at him.
Coop doesn’t even bother. He takes one look at me and keeps walking past my office until I hear the door close to his own. Emmy is the only one I’ve been able to talk to and even that’s been with a bark to my tone.
Maddox takes one for the team and spends the next two hours next door with Chelcie. Sway doesn’t pick on Maddox as much as he does the rest of us, and even when he does, Maddox doesn’t seem too bothered by it.