“God, Dee. You know I would do anything to help you. You’ve been my family for years. When family needs you, for whatever reason, you’re there. Don’t you realize how much the people in your life love you?” He looks so confused. Damn, this is not going to be good.
“Come on, let’s go sit down.”
He lets my arms go and follows behind me. I walk back around Beck’s chair, once again trailing my hands across the soft leather. I close my eyes and picture his handsome face, smiling and full of love. I let my body fill with his love and open my eyes with a new determination.
I sit down on the couch and pat the cushion next to me. Greg smiles and shakes his head with my action. I’ve seen him do that a million times with Cohen, so he knows it’s my poor attempt at throwing some lightness into this darkness that’s swirling around us.
“I’m just going to start at the beginning and as hard as this is going to sound… just please, let me finish before you say anything.”
He nods his head and I take a deep breath before I start telling my story.
He doesn’t move once as I begin speaking. I start with my childhood and work my way up through high school. His eyes get hard a few times, mainly whenever I mention my father. I pause for a second before I tell him about Brandon breaking into my office. I know he will be able to handle that part, but it’s going to be a stretch thinking that he’ll be able to control his anger when he finds out just how bad it got. My eyes have been watching my fingers play with a string hanging from my shirt, while I try to figure out how to tell him the rest.
“Dee?” I look up and see his puzzled gaze. The question in his eyes and the understanding nod show me that he realizes that this is part of the bad I’ve been keeping from him. “Go on, please.”
I open my mouth a few times before I get the words out. I keep my eyes glued to his as I tell him about the first attack Brandon made against me, the rape, and the fear that kept me from saving Izzy before she was finally able to free herself. I rush to get each word out, because with each continuing second, I watch a little part of one of my best friends break apart and splinter into a million pieces.
“I don’t think I ever dealt with it. At least not like a normal person would. I pushed it under the rug and continued to live my life the only way I knew how at the time.” I pause and look away from his angry eyes for a second, trying to calm my nerves. “When he hurt Izzy, that time at the condo we had, I think that was the start. Beck noticed and didn’t let me cave in, but even he couldn’t save me from myself. We had the most amazing week together before it all blew up and the lights went out in my life.” His eyes narrow in question, but he doesn’t interrupt me.
“It was a few weeks after Izzy got hurt. I had been pushing him away and doing my best to keep him in a nice little box so that he wouldn’t work his way into my heart, but Beck worked his way in.” I smile remembering those early days. “We didn’t even have a chance to tell anyone. Funny how that works. Everyone thought that we’d been playing these bedroom games for the last two years, but in reality, he’s held my heart the whole time.” I shake my head. I still can’t believe that Beck was the only one who ever noticed my pain. Well, Beck and Maddox, but Mad never let on that he has been silently watching my private struggle.
“I wasn’t even upset that you guys didn’t notice, you know?” I whisper the words, but he jerks when I finish talking. I swing my eyes back to his face and flinch when I see his eyes and lips pressed tight. I have to look away to get the rest out. Part of me wants to scream at him, but I know whatever angry words I might say, he doesn’t deserve them and knowing him, he’s beating himself up worse than I ever could. It’s no one’s fault but my own that I shut down and didn’t know how to process the pain. I wore the masks I needed to wear and I locked them out. I was my own worst enemy.