“Fuck.” Liam turned, sitting next to me on the floor and pulling me in to his side, his arm around my shoulders.
“He deserves better than me. I don’t think I can do this, Liam. I’m scared all the time, and I don’t think that’s going to change.” Just saying the words aloud brought on a flash of memories, but this time, they weren’t of my mother wasting away in a hospital, they were of Walker. Images of his large, vibrant body filled with tubes, of the gauze covering the wound on his chest. I shuddered, and Liam pulled me closer to him.
“You are one of the best people I know. So loving. So giving. But you’ve been slowly disappearing into nothing since your mom got sick. You don’t laugh as much, and we have to battle for you to let us in. Hell, we practically had to kidnap you to go on vacation with us last spring.” I exhaled a slow breath, knowing he was right.
Liam squeezed my shoulder. “But Carter said the last couple of months when she talked to you, you sounded more like your old self. I was at her and Austin’s one night when you called. Taylor, she burst into tears when she got off the phone with you. She said it was the first time she’d heard your real laugh in over a year. Not the polite one you use because it’s appropriate. Your real one.”
Tears continued to fall. I knew exactly the conversation he was talking about. I had been telling her about a dinner at the Coles’, recounting some story about Irma. I’d had tears in my eyes then too, but only because I was laughing so hard. Walker and the Cole family had brought so many wonderful things to my life. But I was so scared. Would it be worth the pain if I lost one of them?
Liam squeezed my shoulder again. “We love you, Tay. We want to be there for you. But you can’t keep running. You can’t keep pushing everyone away.”
I let my head fall to my knees. “It’s the only way I know not to hurt.”
Liam’s grip on me tightened until I was sure it would leave a bruise. “You’re lying to yourself, Taylor. Pushing people away doesn’t mean it won’t hurt if you lose them, it just means you’ll be lonely until they’re gone.”
I gritted my teeth. Liam was wrong. I felt a measure of peace when I was alone. When it was just me and the water, swimming until my muscles shook with fatigue. Or when I was alone with the road, my feet pounding the packed earth until my lungs burned. That life could be enough for me.
Liam released his hold on me. “I’m going to be honest with you because I think you need a wakeup call. You’re wasting your life away. You have so much to give. You’re an incredible teacher, and you have such a way with kids. You were an amazing caregiver to your mom, you could give that gift to someone else. You used to be one of the best friends someone could hope to have.”
I clued in to the used to be part of his statement and cringed. Liam pushed on. “But, honestly, this past year, you’ve been a crap friend.” My head snapped up, but Liam held up a hand. “I get it. You’ve been through something horrible. And in relationships, we all have times where we take more than we give. It’s natural. But it can’t go on forever. Get your head out of your ass and realize you’re not the only one dealing with shit before you lose the only people you have left.”
With that, he rose. “I’m going to take a shower and get dressed. Why don’t you do the same, and then I’ll make us some breakfast. Maybe you’ll be ready to really talk then.”
I bit the inside of my cheek but nodded. Liam’s and my talk last night hadn’t really been a true discussion. It had quickly devolved into us taking shots and me yelling about what a good-looking, pushy bastard Walker was.
I sat on the floor for another few minutes, breathing in and out, the air feeling harsh against my lungs. I knew it wasn’t the air causing the sensation, it was the harshness of the truth. I played the last two and a half years back in my mind. My friends had been amazing. So incredibly supportive. But had I given any of that back? I wasn’t sure.
That uncertainty gutted me. I had no idea what my future held, but one thing was for certain, I needed to repair my friendships. It was clear that Liam was messed up about something, and I had barely noticed.
But Liam was here now. In Sutter Lake. A place I knew held peace and the power of restoration. I would be there for him and support him in whatever ways he needed. I was done getting stuck in this pity spiral. I thought about how good it had felt to help Noah learn to read. It was selfish, but helping others, getting some outward focus, that was the way forward.
I pushed up from the floor and headed for my shower. I stripped off the massive t-shirt I was wearing. Walker hadn’t been looking at me closely enough, because if he had been, he would have realized that the shirt was his. Wearing it to sleep helped me feel close to him, even when he wasn’t next to me. My heart clenched with a painful spasm.
I stepped under the spray and let the steaming water pound down on my body. I wished it could wash away the many mistakes I’d made over the past two years, clear away the hurts I’d caused. But the only one who could do that was me.
Turning the dial, I switched the water off and stepped out of the shower. I made quick work of drying myself off and slipping on some yoga pants. I bit the inside of my cheek as I looked at my t-shirt options. My fingers trailed over the worn cotton of another of Walker’s shirts. I couldn’t resist it. I pulled it over my head, taking time to inhale the familiar scent of his detergent and a lingering hint of his cologne. I squeezed my eyes closed, attempting to relieve the pain. It didn’t work.
I toed on a pair of sneakers and headed out into the living room, steeling my spine in preparation for my talk with Liam. It was time for me to do some major apologizing and some real listening.