She came back in and joined him at the window, huddling closer as she said, ‘God, it’s cold!’ He didn’t answer and she added, ‘So you know where you are now?’
‘Kind of. Not really. All the street numbers confuse me. I wish they all had names.’
‘No, it makes sense after a while. You get used to it.’
They looked at some of the lit rooms opposite, silent films, and then Alex said, ‘I haven’t heard a siren yet.’
‘Very funny.’
‘No, I’m serious. I like to hear New York sirens. London sirens always sound seedy but in New York it’s different. It’s that whole Gershwin thing, you know.’
‘Yeah, I know what you mean.’ They fell back into silence. He wanted to say something else at first but then felt comfortable just knowing she was there, the slight warmth of her body next to his. Finally she said, ‘I can’t get used to it.’
He was surprised by her words, by how quiet and lost they’d sounded. He turned to her and said, ‘What do you mean?’
‘I mean New York. It’s great and everything, but I can’t get used to it. Sometimes I just wish I was somewhere smaller, more intimate, less intimate, I don’t know.’
‘You’ve never said anything in your e-mails,’ he said, still surprised by the sudden admission.
‘I know. I’ve hardly dared accept it myself. Don’t get me wrong, I love the teaching and I think I’ll definitely stay out here. I’m just not much of a city girl.’
He nodded but didn’t respond at first. He’d thought of her as thriving there and now here they were, two small figures shivering in a window in a city that was too big for them. He wanted to offer her solutions, thinking over the possibilities before realizing something else, something that had lain dormant for two years or more, that he wanted to be with her.
He wanted to say something but was nervous, afraid that he was just being drawn to the human warmth she offered, to the suddenly vivid memory of the years they’d lived together, years when the attacks had almost ceased. He was afraid of his motives, suspecting his own selfishness and confusion.
Yet what he was most nervous about was the risk of saying something and being rebuffed, Kate having to explain apologetically that her life had moved on, that she was seeing someone else.
It felt like it was worth the risk though, and trying to sound casual, he said, ‘Maybe we should look for somewhere prestigious but provincial, somewhere with a great English Department and a sleep research programme.’ She looked at him, trying to work out if he was being serious or teasing her with a picture of a future he’d never buy into. He felt encouraged by her expression, adding, ‘Or just a good Psychology Department. I persuaded one university to let me set up a sleep research programme, and that was before I had a reputation.’
She stepped back in from the window, waiting for him to do the same before closing it.
‘Alex, if I thought for one minute that you were serious.’
‘I’m serious,’ he said, becoming more enthused because she was cautious and hadn’t laughed. ‘I’m thinking on the hoof here, but I’m serious. I need to make a break with the past. And you know, maybe us being apart has been good, made us see what we had.’
‘I always knew. You were the one who... I don’t know. If I hadn’t known better I’d have thought you were cheating on me. That’s how it was, like you were with me physically but your mind was somewhere else.’
He could see how close he was; all she wanted was a commitment to the present, to what was before him.
‘I know I was like that, and that’s part of the reason I’m here, this trip to see Matt.’ He walked over and sat back down, picking up his wine, taking another comforting sip, the soft blackcurrant taste filling his mouth. She sat down too and he said, ‘I’m putting my life right. It sounds pompous but it’s true. I’m putting everything right and I’m moving on.’
For a moment it looked like he’d lost her as she said, ‘I don’t suppose you want to enlighten me at all?’
He didn’t answer the question but said, ‘I should never have let you go, Kate. That’s the only part that matters.’
She smiled and said, ‘We’re not sleeping together. If that’s what this is all in aid of, you’re wasting your time.’
He laughed at the accusation but looked around then and said, ‘You have two bedrooms?’
‘You can sleep in the bed with me but you know what I mean. You hurt me, Alex, not intentionally maybe, but you still hurt me and I don’t intend to invest in this relationship again until I know you’re serious.’