‘Come on,’ he said, helping her up, ‘let’s have that cup of tea.’
He made the tea, guided through the process with instructional asides from her as she talked, where the cups were, the tea bags. There’d been a reception at a hotel, Rebecca talking about the people who were there before asking him where he’d gone after the service.
‘I went to lunch.’
‘With that girl you were talking to?’
He liked that she’d seen him, that he hadn’t been completely invisible.
‘Natalie, yeah. She was at college with us.’ He put the cups of tea on the table in front of her and sat down, the place where Rob had sat a couple of weeks before, not that it mattered or was significant.
‘So that’s who she was - your ex?’ He nodded. ‘She looked really devastated during the service.’ He was surprised, thinking she’d been pretty composed afterwards. She’d been a little erratic too though, like someone only just holding it together, the same person who he felt was still too deeply in denial about the past to cope particularly well with fresh traumas. Rebecca sipped at her tea and said, ‘You’re not very emotional yourself, are you, Alex?’
‘How do you mean?’
‘I watched you at the funeral. I was pretty impressed at first but I don’t know, it was almost like you didn’t feel anything at all.’ He nodded thoughtfully, and a moment later she said, ‘Oh Jesus, that sounded terrible. Sorry, I didn’t mean to...’
‘No, you’re right, it’s what I was thinking myself, that I wasn’t sure if I felt anything at all. The guy next to me was crying and I couldn’t, just, I don’t know. I couldn’t understand what he was feeling that would make him cry like that. I want to feel like that, but I can’t.’
‘You’re not missing much. I suppose it didn’t help either, that the two of you had only just met up again.’
‘No,’ he said, refusing her excuses. ‘It makes me angry that we wasted ten years. But nothing had changed, you know. I loved him, I really did. Nat was my girlfriend. Will, he was a good friend, but he was almost like the stray we took in. Rob and Matt and me, I think we had something pretty special.’
She smiled, looking warmed by the thought, but said then, ‘So what happened?’
‘Life happened. Life and death, and before you know it you’re sitting at a funeral wondering why you’re not upset.’ It wasn’t much of an explanation, but then there weren’t many adequate explanations for what had happened to their friendship.
She smiled, rubbing his arm as she said, ‘You shouldn’t worry about it too much. Jesus, you’re probably in shock. I could tell the way you and Rob felt about each other. He was so bloody excited that you were coming down. Seriously, I might as well have been at uni with you - I know everything that happened.’
He laughed, a quiet internal voice still correcting her, that she didn’t know everything. They talked about college though, about Rob, satisfying a need they both had to recall him and then it was time for him to leave.
She walked out with him and stood on the step, the sky still blue but edging darker, the sun lost somewhere over the rooftops.
‘Thanks for coming round.’
‘I wanted to come.’
She kissed him on the cheek and said, ‘Well, if you’re ever in town, you know where I am.’ He nodded and there was a moment of silence; they both knew they’d probably never meet again. Alex couldn’t even keep the people in his life who were meant to be there, always pushing them away despite himself. She looked up the street and said, ‘You taking the tube?’
He looked at his watch.
‘No, I’ll probably flag a taxi. There’s a train in half an hour so I’ll try to make that.’
‘Okay, take care Alex.’
‘You too.’ He walked down the steps but turned then, suddenly acutely aware that he knew almost nothing about her. She looked more informal now, still in the dark suit but physically relaxed, an easy attractiveness. ‘What do you do, Rebecca? I can’t believe I haven’t even asked.’
‘I’m a doctor.’
‘Oh.’
She acknowledged his surprise by laughing, saying, ‘What, you assumed I probably had some chick job? Clothes shop attendant, publicist, something like that?’
‘Red-handed,’ he said, adding, ‘My brother’s a doctor, in Edinburgh.’
‘I know. I thought you were, too.’
‘Except I don’t make people better.’
‘You help them sleep. I’d say that was making them better.’
‘I don’t do that anymore. It’s not even why I went into this field.’
She smiled.
‘So why did you?’
‘I don’t know. Maybe it’s just where I want to be.’