She shook her head, regretful.
‘I probably wouldn’t have kept in touch with anyone. You know, after we split up,’ she laughed to herself, ‘after you let me go, I kind of didn’t want to hear reports of how you were doing, and they were all your friends more than they were mine.’
‘No they weren’t. We were all equals.’
She smiled, disagreeing but not bothering to argue the point, and said, ‘Well, the bottom line is, I was hurt, and like a wounded animal does, I hid myself away, in my work as it happens. Then Rob kind of tracked me down. We used to speak on the phone, which was funny because I never actually liked Rob that much back in college.’
‘You’re kidding?’ It had never occurred to Alex that any of them had disliked each other.
‘No, and we didn’t speak often on the phone, but he became a much nicer person after we graduated, and I got to liking him a lot.’ She paused and Alex wasn’t sure if she was upset about Rob or thinking about what she wanted to say next. Maybe it was a bit of both. ‘I always felt sorry for Will. Can’t say I knew him well considering we were friends for three years, but I felt sorry for him. I thought Matt was great, and I have to say I regret that I didn’t keep in touch with him. Which leaves you, and of course, I was in love with you. I tried so hard not to show how desperate I was for you to come to London with me, but even while you were telling me things were fine, it was like you were closing down on me.’ None of them had been good friends to each other, not the way they should have been, but Alex felt increasingly like he was the one who’d disappointed most, not just Natalie but all of them.
‘I’m sorry,’ he said, ‘I never realized.’
‘Something which was all too apparent at the time. I hope she was worth it.’ He was confused for a second, uncomfortable, but realized what she was saying then.
‘Nat, there was no one else. I was stupid, that’s all. I didn’t even realize I was letting you go; it just happened. But there was no one else, believe me.’
She smiled a little and said, ‘That might have been some consolation if you’d told me ten years ago. Still, it was probably for the best. I mean, really, what are the chances it would have survived anyway? Adult life and all that?’
She was dismissing it but the realization of the kind of friend and boyfriend he’d been was embedding itself now. Maybe if he’d made more effort then, the present situation would never have arisen. He couldn’t help but think he’d played the biggest part in allowing them all to become estranged the way they had.
‘I’m going to America,’ said Alex, saying the thought as it occurred to him, realizing only afterwards that it made him look cold, oblivious to what she’d been saying. ‘Sorry, I didn’t mean to change the subject. You’re right. If circumstances had been different I’d have come with you and I regret that things weren’t different, but maybe it wouldn’t have lasted anyway.’
She gave a cursory nod, distracted, and said, ‘What do you mean, you’re going to America? You mean, to work?’
‘No, I mean, I’m going to America this week, or as soon as I can arrange it. I want to see Matt, I want to speak to him for myself.’
‘You could telephone him,’ she said, her tone suggesting that a trip out there seemed like an overreaction.
‘No, I want to speak to him in person. I want to see for myself, to believe for myself, that he isn’t behind this. And I just want to talk to him about that night, about everything, things I should have told him ten years ago.’
She looked troubled by what he was saying, or confused perhaps, and said then, ‘What are you talking about? Things you should have told him ten years ago - what things?’
‘I just want to talk to him,’ he said, side-stepping the question.
She still looked uncomfortable and said, ‘I’m worried about this, Alex. I mean, if Matt is behind Rob’s death, and I still think that’s ridiculous, but if he is behind it you’d have to be crazy to waltz right into his own backyard like that.’
She was right about the last part but unlike her, Alex was beginning to see the possibility of Matt being involved in the deaths as scarily credible, not the Matt they’d known but the one who’d developed over the last ten years, driven by ambition perhaps, or family expectation. That was why he wanted to go, to stare him in the face and see for himself.
‘I agree, it’s crazy, but think about it, if Matt’s behind these deaths then he probably intends to kill us anyway. I’m sure he’ll find that easier at a distance than he would face to face.’
‘And if he isn’t?’
‘Then I get to see him and talk.’ He smiled at her and said, ‘Nat, I know you think I’m paranoid, but I need to do this, and I want you to do something for me.’