At one point Natalie said something about getting back to normal, the only time the accident was mentioned even indirectly. Alex looked confident and said, ‘Don’t worry, within a few weeks you won’t even be asking that question. A few years from now you’ll probably never think about it.’
Matt nodded in agreement, just to bolster Natalie, but he wasn’t so sure. He thought of Susie, imagining her sitting now in Kirkby Bar. He wondered if she was looking out for him, hoping he’d show. He liked to think so. The thought of her wouldn’t shift then. He checked the clock behind the bar, just after nine, and seizing the moment, he downed the remainder of his drink.
The other three looked at him and he said, ‘I have to love you and leave you. I have work to do and parents to call.’ They made a token effort at persuading him to stay for another drink but he was insistent and they gave in quickly. He wasn’t sure if Rob looked suspicious but calling his parents was a pretty good excuse.
He walked out of Balmer and along the central spine to his own college. Kirkby Bar was crowded, much busier. He walked in but made a point of not looking out for her; he wanted it to look almost like he’d forgotten she’d be in there. He went to the bar, got a drink and talked to a couple of guys he’d played rugby with in the first year.
He hadn’t been there long though when someone tapped him on the arm. It was Susie. She’d obviously been home since earlier in the day because she’d changed and was wearing a thin sweater now with a cropped jacket over it. She smiled and said, ‘Why don’t you come over. We’re sitting in that alcove over there.’ He looked where she’d pointed, noticing the girl who’d been comforting her earlier in the day, a couple of other girls, two guys.
‘Sure, I’ll be over in a minute. Can I get you a drink?’
‘No, thanks.’ She went to walk away but said, ‘Oh, I didn’t want to say anything in front of the others, but thanks for earlier.’
‘Don’t mention it. I’ll see you soon.’
She walked away and Matt took the banter from the rugby players. He stood with them for another five minutes or so, arguing in his head as to whether he should go over or not. It was bad enough drinking with Susie but the rest of them were probably friends of Emily Barratt too.
And yet wasn’t that why he’d come down to Kirkby in the first place? He’d come because he was attracted to Susie, and as much as it disturbed him, the connection with Emily Barratt made that attraction stronger somehow. There was something wrong in what he was doing but, even so, he downed his drink, got another and walked over to join them.
Susie introduced him. He noticed the other girl who’d been in the library looking at him quizzically, maybe wondering where she’d seen him before. The others were friendly though, asking him about America, what had made him come to England to study, all the usual questions.
He was sitting next to Susie and she spent quite a lot of time filling in the blanks of the conversation for him. They talked about more general stuff then, and increasingly the two of them were talking to each other rather than to the whole group. No one mentioned Emily Barratt.
When they rang time behind the bar, he said, ‘You’re welcome to come back to my room for coffee. Your friends too.’ A discussion followed, the outcome falling the way he’d hoped, Susie agreeing but the others heading back into town. A couple of the girls, still feeling guilty maybe, wanted assurances that she’d be okay getting home on her own, and then it was done.
They walked back through the college to his room. He switched on the desk lamp, took his coat off, put the kettle on. Susie took her jacket off, then kicked her shoes off and sat up on the bed, cross-legged. He liked that she was comfortable there.
‘Actually,’ she said, ‘I don’t really feel like coffee. Do you have anything to drink?’
He switched the kettle off and looked around the room. He already knew the answer though, and said, ‘Strange as it may sound, I have a bottle of Cointreau.’
She smiled and said, ‘Perfect.’ He felt pretty good, not drunk but that feeling of alcohol in his veins. He guessed she was a little drunk too. He poured a couple of drinks and then sat on the chair facing her.
They sipped at their drinks and sat in silence for a while and then she said, ‘Why were you sad today? You said you were a little sad.’
‘I’m not sure.’ How could he even begin to tell her that he was sad because of the way things were with the others?
Emily Barratt had run in front of his car. He’d hit her and they’d left her there dead in the road, and in the process, somehow, their own friendship had been fatally injured too. It was unavoidably apparent whenever he saw them, that things weren’t the same between them, would never be the same.