He could tell she was going to cry and he was willing her not to. He’d have to comfort her if she did and he didn’t want to build that bond any further. Again, he kept imagining how she’d look at him if it came out in a few weeks’ time. He couldn’t stand that, and would rather not get to know her at all than run the risk of it happening, having to see the accusation in her eyes.
Sure enough though, she started to cry, apologetically, trying to fight it, putting her hands up to cover her face. He put his arm around her and she cried into the front of his coat but didn’t put her arms around him in return, a distance he was thankful for.
His own thoughts were going into free-fall. As much as he liked this girl’s company, as much as he was attracted to her, he wanted desperately to be away from her. He wanted to be away from everybody. Maybe that was it with Will too, that he simply found it easier to be alone because other people made him think more about it.
Yet Will hadn’t even done anything wrong. That was why Matt should have gone to the police as soon as it had happened, to take the burden off the others and bring it into the open. He was the one who’d killed her, and maybe it hadn’t been his fault but he’d turned himself into a guilty person by not owning up, guilty of something sordid and dishonest and cowardly.
Susie pulled away again, wiped her eyes, blew her nose.
‘Sorry,’ she said.
‘Don’t apologise. Jesus, your friend died; you’d have more reason to be sorry if you didn’t cry.’
She nodded.
‘It’s stupid, I know, but I keep feeling guilty, because I let her leave that stupid party and because...’ She stopped, fighting back another run of tears, swallowing hard like there was food stuck in her throat. When she spoke again she had to struggle to get the words out. ‘It’s because I didn’t really appreciate what an amazing person she was, not until it was too late. I took it for granted, we all did. She was such a beautiful person and none of us noticed. Not enough.’
‘I know,’ he said. ‘That’s the trouble with great friendships. You often don’t realize they were great until they’re gone.’
She looked up at him, her eyes searching his as she said, ‘Are you okay? You seem sad yourself.’
‘I am a little sad today, but I’m okay.’ He smiled as if to prove the point and said, ‘Shall we walk back?’
They followed their own footsteps back to the path. As they walked up the hill again Matt glanced back, the lines of footprints making it look as though a handful of people had walked across to the trees, not just the two of them.
‘So you’re going back to the library now?’
‘Yeah, I guess I should,’ he said.
‘Maybe I’ll see you later then. We’ll be in the bar tonight.’
She sounded hopeful and he couldn’t resist asking, even though he was determined not to be there.
‘Kirkby Bar?’ She nodded. ‘Well, maybe I’ll see you in there. I have like, a whole year’s work to do but hey, everyone needs a night off.’
She smiled and it made it easier to say bye, because she thought they’d be seeing each other again in a few hours. He went back up into the library and did one more sweep looking for Will before going back to his own booth. He’d been there twenty minutes or so before Alex came along and popped his head over the partition.
‘Hey,’ said Matt. ‘I’ve only just sat down. I had a coffee downstairs, you know.’
‘Sure.’ Alex looked around. ‘Is Will in here?’ Matt shook his head and noticed the concern on Alex’s face. He was glad he wasn’t the only one worrying. ‘Look, forget coffee. Come up later and we’ll have a few drinks.’
‘Sounds good,’ said Matt. He thought of Susie and added, ‘I don’t wanna do a bar crawl though.’
‘God, no, we’ll just stay in Balmer.’
‘Okay, I’ll see you later then.’ Someone nearby tutted and sighed loudly, irritated by the talking. Alex smiled and put his finger to his lips before walking away again.
He met them later, Rob and Alex and Natalie. Rob had finally managed to speak to Will on the phone and said he’d sounded fine except he was losing it over how much work he had left to do. Matt didn’t believe it for a minute but it looked like the others did, because Will had always worked too hard.
The mood was better, almost the way it had been before. The unease was still there out on the edges of their conversation though. He noticed Natalie looking distant a couple of times, Rob more belligerent than usual, fired up, subtle differences. Alex was the only one who looked like he’d come to terms with it. Maybe that was just appearances but then Alex was that kind of guy, someone who dealt well with a crisis.