I’m back in L.A. and have been working non-stop on our house and at the hospital. Notice that I said “our house”? I hope that I’m not kidding myself. I told you I would stalk you but I want to give you your space, too. The other day when I lost it a little bit over you, I called Trish and made her tell me everything she knew.
She said you were in an accelerated nursing program. I’m proud of you! Fuck, I miss you.
I met one of our neighbors, Edith. She’s older than dirt but still totally with it. I keep telling her about you and yesterday she asked me if I had any pictures. I said no and she looked at me in a peculiar way. She told me I was good-looking enough to not have to make up an imaginary girlfriend. Are you real, Ava? I remember what you look like and how you feel, how you smell and the sounds you make. You must be real. God, I hope you’re real and I hope you come back to me.
Edith has a dog named Poops. He actually used to be named Carl but then he started eating his own poop so she changed his name to Poops. She said she got so mad at him for it that he wasn’t allowed to have a human name anymore. Now when people bend down to pet the little King Charles spaniel they say, “What’s his name?” and Edith says, “Poops, ’cause he eats his own damn poop.” Usually people pull back and avoid the lick on the face. It’s best for everyone, she told me. I think you’ll like her.
She sews these amazing quilts and then sells them on eBay for thousands of dollars. The quilts remind me of you but then again everything reminds me of you. Nate.
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December 14, 2010
Dear Ava,
I’m going to spend Christmas out at the ranch. Unbelievably, I’m taking a few days off. I’ve been working non-stop to keep my mind off of you.
Yesterday I lost a patient on the table. He was a young man with an underlying heart condition. We did everything we could but his heart just couldn’t take anymore. I had to tell his family and it was awful. He had a four-year-old son and an eighteen-month-old daughter. His wife was so devastated when I told her that she fell into my arms and cried. I let her sob against my shoulder for fifteen minutes and then all of a sudden she stopped, just like that.
She stood up straight and looked at her son, who was crying, too. She said, “Daddy went to heaven. It’s just us now.” It’s like there was this realization she had where she learned she had no power to change the outcome. How difficult that must be to face. I told the boy that he had to be the man of the house and to look after his mom and sister and he sniffled, wiped his nose, and nodded. It fucking killed me and took everything I had not to break down in front of the both of them. I always say that sometimes life begrudges us for no good reason. You know that better than anyone.
Our house is almost done. I hired a designer to come in and add all the fine details to make it look and feel like a home. The whole back of the house has floor-to- ceiling windows and doors that look out on the water. There’s a patio outside our bedroom and sometimes I leave the doors open so I can fall asleep to the sound of the waves crashing against the rocks.
I’m going to the ranch for the holidays because my parents are going on a cruise, and even though our beautiful house overlooking the ocean has all the fine comforts you can imagine, it won’t be a home until you’re here. Come back to me.
The smell of the flowers planted on the hill next to our house trails up to our bedroom when the doors are open and it reminds me of you, but then again everything reminds me of you. Nate.
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January 14, 2011
Dear Ava,
Happy New Year, baby. I wonder what you’re up to. When I was at the ranch over Christmas, Trish showed me a picture you had sent her. I couldn’t stop staring at it. You were in Venice with your mom and you both looked beautiful and happy. I’m glad to see you’re traveling around Europe and experiencing life.
Guess what? I’m going to be in two weddings this Saturday. Actually, one is more like a marriage ceremony that I’ve been asked to be a witness at. My friend and colleague, Olivia, is getting married. It was a shock because I didn’t think she would ever commit, but apparently she found her male counterpart. He’s a neuroscientist who’s really socially awkward but Olivia said she’s in love with his mind so nothing else matters to her. They met three months ago and soon after that she was living with him. She told me they have separate bedrooms. Weird, but whatever makes her happy. Then, later that day, my best friend, Frankie, is getting married to an eighteen-year-old candy striper from the hospital he works at. I could have predicted he would find someone barely legal to marry. He’s asked me to be the best man. I’m honored, honestly, I just wish you could be there with me for the slow dances.
I ate Chinese food for lunch with Frankie today and my fortune said, “You will soon be eaten alive.” I stared at it for like fifteen minutes while Frankie sat there quietly until finally he broke into a smile and started cracking up. He pranked me. I have to think of a good way to get him back.
I laughed about it for a while and then I thought of the fortune cookie writers and they reminded me of you, but then again everything reminds me of you. Nate.