“Yes, but I like you in my bed. You can follow me back.”
I looked up through the window of my cabin and felt nothing. There was nothing screaming in my ear to say no to him. The only hesitation I had was that I didn’t know if I was willing to give myself over to someone so fully and so quickly. Would I always just give in to the promise of life with a man because I couldn’t find happiness on my own?
When we’re young, we want so badly to connect with others that we end up reflecting them, losing ourselves in the process. Or at least I did with Jake. I love horses, I love the rodeo, but I loved the city, too. And before I met Jake, I did well in school. Being bilingual, I felt I had skills that were wasted because the moment Jake came into my life, his brightness muted all the color I had in me. His life became my life. All of his ideas became my ideas. Did I truly know if I wanted to go to college or not? I knew what Jake wanted for me, and that was it. I didn’t want that to happen again. I wanted to figure out who I was and who I wanted to become.
“Want to go for a ride instead?” I suggested.
He turned the truck engine off. “Okay.”
We saddled up Shine and Elite. Nate would have to ride Elite because Shine was still a bit skittish for his skills.
We rode out into the pasture. “You’re riding the horse that crushed Jake.”
“I know, Red told me,” he said. His calmness shocked me.
“You knew?”
“Were you trying to test me or yourself?” His demeanor was serious. As he began to trot Elite, he looked back at me. “Are you facing your fears by putting me in danger? Was that your plan?” He kicked her hard and off they went.
My heart raced. I sped up next to him and tried to reach over and grab the reins. “Oh no, missy!” He was smiling by that time. He jerked Elite to the right and took off in the other direction. We ended up at the top of the embankment near the hot spring. I watched Nate jump off the horse confidently and tie her to a tree.
I went as fast as I could to reach him but by the time I got Shine tied up, Nate was already halfway down the hill to the hot spring, leaving a trail of clothes in his wake. He disappeared behind a rock. I walked carefully down the brush-freckled hill until suddenly he popped out of a bush and grabbed me, pulling me back so that we were hidden behind a low-hanging tree branch. He was wearing his boxers and nothing else. I tugged my shirt over my head while he quickly unbuckled my jeans.
“We’re going to get poison oak in weird places,” I said, out of breath.
“It’s a good thing I’m a doctor.” He pulled me toward the hot spring. At the edge where the clear water met the rock, he swirled his index finger around, pointing at my bra and panties. “All of it. Take it all off.”
“What if someone comes up here?”
“I’ll take my chances.” His eyes were hooded and drowsy with desire.
I looked around; there was no sign of anyone. “You first.”
He quickly kicked his boxers off and then stepped into the hot spring, watching me the whole time. I ditched my bra and panties and stepped onto a rock that we used like a stairstep into the water. He reached up, his hands on my hips to guide me. I lost all sense of shyness and just melted into his arms as I kissed his neck.
“I want to talk to you,” he said.
“Talk? Now? Okay.”
“What happened to Jake was a terrible accident. That’s not going to happen to me. You don’t have to constantly prove to yourself or God that it can’t happen again. Frankly, it scares me a little that you want to test your theory.”
I pulled away from him and looked him in the eye. “I’m not testing the theory.”
“I feel like we get close and then you pull away.”
“I’m scared, Nate.”
“What are you scared of?”
“Not being good enough.”
He jerked his head back and squinted. There was surprise but also recognition in his expression. He nodded and then pursed his lips the way he often did when he was thinking. I ran my fingers through his hair, spiking it up with the water and then I leaned in and kissed him very sweetly. I explored his mouth, jaw, and neck with my mouth while he held me tucked against his chest. We were silent as the sun set behind the hill. It seemed like nature was unrealistically quiet, almost so much that I nearly dozed off in Nate’s arms.
“I am, too,” he said finally.
“What?”
“Scared of not being good enough.”
I smiled. “Did we just have a heart-to-heart?”
He laughed.
“What’s so funny?”
“Heart-speak is particularly hilarious to a heart surgeon.”
“Why is that?”
“Well, you have to think about it, literally. Bleeding heart, aching heart, and heavy heart all mean different things to me.”
I smiled and stood up on the rock with my hand on my hip. “Eat your heart out?”