“No need to fear,” Dannan said affably, as though he wasn’t easily ten feet tall with feet the size of fishing boats. Leaning down, he peered at Toni. “Whass yer name, lass?”
“Inedible?” she asked with a wince, nipping at her lower lip.
He chuckled, light and airy and remarkably like he’d sucked a balloon full of helium. “You’re frightened, are ye, maiden?”
Toni shivered, not just because she was scared, but because he’d used the word “maiden” in conjunction with her—which was utterly laughable. “Should I speak the truth?”
“Please do.”
“Ye is petrified.”
With one finger, he patted her shoulder, the heavy weight of it not unpleasant. In fact, it was soothing and gentle. “I understand completely.”
“Absolutely no insult intended.”
He bounced his round head covered in spikes of snow-white, bushy hair. “Duly noted.”
Nina was the first to approach him, and even she did so with caution. “So, where are we again, Papa Smurf?”
“It’s—”
“Yeah, yeah. I heard you, Dannan The Ogre. Now where the hell are we?”
“Shamalot, o’ course. Ye be deep in the heart of the Not So Sherwood Forest.”
Duh.
Nina rolled her tongue along the inside of her cheek. “And we got here how, Blue Man Crew?”
“Again, I remind ye, pale lady, ’tis Dannan The Ogre. And I know not how ye came to be, but I think one of ye merry wenches wished yerself here. That’s usually how it works. In the process, ye have managed to effectively end the drunken adventures of the Mildly Irritated Witch of the East.”
Toni’s finger shot up in the air as she stared skyward, still unable to look at the body Dannan pointed to. “Are there any flying monkeys in this scenario?”
Dannan cocked his enormously round head, the trumpet-like ears on either side of his face fluttering. “Flying what, lass?”
Wanda The Soother, as Toni was secretly beginning to refer to her, smiled up at Dannan. “Can you explain the ‘wishing ourselves’ here you mentioned? Because I can’t remember ever wishing myself to a place like this. A quiet, padded cell sans my friends Nina and Marty? Yes. A warm, tropical beach—just me and my man all alone with nothing but the sound of the surf? Absolutely. But a place called Shamalot in a dress so tight my eyeballs are bulging and my ribs have realigned themselves to fuse with my spine? Never.”
Wished yourself here. Dannan’s words plucked a memory in Toni’s brain.
The one where she wished she were anywhere but the outlet mall?
No. Nuh-uh.
Crap, crap, crap. She really was responsible for them landing here.
But there was no time to dwell on how horrible she was for the boom of thunder and the sharp crack of lightning.
“Aye, lass, ye’ve done it now,” Dannan mumbled at Toni as a streak of pink and white light crisscrossed through the sky.
Panic raced up Toni’s spine. “Done what?”
Dannan’s blue face was somber with a hint of irritation. “Brought upon us the annoyingly cheerful hospitality, sprinkled with pecan dust and just a hint of fried goose, of Bren—”
“Haaay, gurls, hay!” A southern drawl, lilting and sticky-sweet, touched Toni’s ears just as a beautiful woman floated to the ground—right from the sky. From. The. Sky.
She landed lighter than a feather, gliding to a full stop, her white, bell-shaped skirt wafting down around her in a cloud of dreamy glitter. She, too, had wings, just like the trio of women, but hers were enormous and gorgeously complex, as though they’d been embroidered with silk threads.
With a wand of glowing silver in her hand, her platinum locks blowing behind her and teased to a mind-blowing mound at the back of her head, she grinned and winked at them.
Toni fought a hysterical scream and moved in closer to Wanda—who still remained outwardly unfazed. Even though, compared to Dannan anyway, this new addition looked harmless, the pile of oddities was finally ganging up on her.
“Howdee and welcome to Shamalot, y’all! I’m Brenda, the Good Witch of the South, and I’da baked a pie had I known you were payin’ a visit to my neck o’ the woods! So, let me be the first to welcome you ladies as honorary members of the League of Fairy Godmothers! We’re an esteemed group of women hell-bent on spreadin’ love and happily-ever-afters like soft butter on a pecan muffin!”
Now Marty tilted her head as the snow pelted her face and the cold left her cheeks rosy. “League of Fairy Godmothers? Is that like a bowling team? Do we get matching shirts?”
She didn’t know how to bowl. Shit. She was sunk. Toni’s breathing shuddered as her panic rose again, but Wanda gripped her fingers tighter and patted her arm.
Nina was the first to actually approach Brenda, and this time, unlike meeting Dannan, she wasn’t even a little hesitant.