He would laugh if things weren’t so dire—because on cue, Prince Iver Daring appeared at the top of the stairs, ready to make his descent to his chair beside the king and queen.
As he did, moving slowly down the procession aisle, his coat gleaming under the light of the torches, his hair pulled back from his face in an ebony ponytail, it wasn’t until he was just a hair past them when all three women gasped.
And that was when Nina grabbed him by his shirtfront, lifting him high in the air, her face a mask of anger as she yelped, “Who the fuck are you, Jon Doe?”
Chapter 15
Long fingernails scraped beneath her chin, their tips digging into Toni’s flesh as she tried not to wince. She lifted her chin, looking up and asked, “Queen Angria, I presume?”
The queen stepped backward a few feet and tossed her crowned, inky-black head on her shoulders, laughing again, that same bone-rattling masterpiece of a cackle she’d screeched just before she’d waved her spidery fingers in the air and glued Toni to the chair she was now unable to move from.
The queen’s razor-thin black eyebrow rose haughtily, the high collar of her silk gown just grazing her pointed chin. “My name precedes me, eh?” she asked, her voice husky, her words precise.
She swept back across the room, the tail of her black and deep-purple dress following in her wake, to stand before Toni, searing her with her gaze.
Toni lifted her chin, her eyes narrowing as she tried to peek over the enormous skirt of her dress. Yet, she wasn’t afraid. Why wasn’t she afraid?
“Well, your henchmen do, anyway. You sure don’t kid around when you want something, do you? Dragons and Starbucks and truth fairies and smelly guys with glowing eyes. Heh. That rhymes. Anyway, it was a lot. Just so you know, you have the market cornered on creepy employees. Anyway, let’s cut to the chase. What do you want from me? I never got to the part where I had a conversation with any of your bad guys so we could discuss your terms. It was all rawr, and hiss, and poof, you’re now the Truth Fairy.”
“Your head, of course,” she drawled long and low, as she ran a fingertip over the surface of a shined-to-perfection tabletop next to the chair Toni was pinned to, dragging her hand as though she were deep in thought.
“Because?”
“Because I was told just this day by a spy here in the castle that you, my interfering guttersnipe, are the face of the prince’s one true love!”
Toni squinted in confusion, blowing the material of her bell-shaped skirt out of her face as it rose again. So this wasn’t about the shoes? And hold the damn phone. The prince didn’t even know her, and she sure as hell didn’t know him. This was ridiculous. Again, more piss-poor miscommunication.
“You Shamalotians need phones so this won’t keep happening.”
“A what?”
Toni rolled her eyes in otherworld frustration. “It’s this thing you talk into. You dial it, it rings, someone picks it up on the other end and you communicate without all this back-and-forth nonsense. I think everything would go much more smoothly if you could just give each other a call. For instance, you could have just called me and told me what all this was about.”
“’Twould not matter if I called you on this phone or sent a message by horny toad. The answer would still be the same. You are the prince’s true love!” she screamed in outrage.
“Horny toads carry messages? Is that like Shamalot’s version of carrier pigeons?”
“Shut up with your endless prattle before I behead you here and now and watch your blood spill at my feet!”
“Whoa, Nellie. Easy there. Now, just say that one more time. Because I think I missed the impact of the statement. I’m the prince’s what?” she asked, still absorbing this new information.
“The prince’s one true love, moron!” she bellowed with agitation, gripping the sides of her lush gown in white-knuckled fists. “The Great and Wonderful Roz saw your face in her mirror, and that soft-in-the-middle King Dick took her advice. I have it on good word it was you the prince will spend the rest of his days with. The king sent my Resplendant away as though we’d never bartered at their births to merge our lands via marriage!”
The Great and Wonderful Roz? Priceless. Really. This predicament was priceless. And she’d laugh, because one of the only things on her body she could move was her lips anyway, but she had a sneaking suspicion she was going to die if she went too far.
Instead, she attempted to sympathize with the queen. “And who’s the Great and Wonderful Roz? Is she the authority on true love? Did she perfect the art of matchmaking and I missed it?”
“She’s the king’s advisor, his oracle, and whatever that crony says, he does. Without thought!”