Her thoughts refused to stay in line. She sat there for what felt like an hour, trying to figure out whether to be upset or amused, wondering if she should pretend she hadn’t seen a thing. Every mother has the miraculous ability of momentary blindness. Surely, Avis could summon the power of erasing memory the way one would wipe clean a crude picture drawn in chalk.
But before she could figure out how to handle any of it, her thoughts veered off in an altogether different direction, leaving her with a queasy, twisting ache in the pit of her stomach. Because if Deacon and Noah were sleeping with Lily and Robin—sleeping together rather than as exclusive couples—what did that mean when it came to Clover and Gypsy, to Sunnie, to Jeff, whose bed she was frequenting on a regular basis? She wanted to believe that she was special, that she was his and he was hers. She had assumed exclusivity. But as she sat there clutching Brave New World in a tight roll of soft pages and tattered cardboard, she realized that her assumption had been wrong. Maybe that was why Maggie was hanging around so often. Maybe, despite trying to forget how easily her best friend was able to capture attention, that same friend was going behind her back, sleeping with Jeffrey while Avis worked in the garden, told Avis how good she looked to keep her off track.
No, she wouldn’t.
Avis’s stomach heaved.
That bitch!
The book tumbled to the floor.
She threw herself at the wash sink that stank of borax and bleach. Her breakfast splashed against the metal bottom of the basin like abstract art. Tears streamed down her face from the effort. For all she knew, Jeff was sleeping not just with Maggie but with all the girls. The fact that it had taken her so long to figure it out was probably some sort of inside joke, so utterly obvious that it marked her as an idiot. A stupid, worthless, infantile fool.
How long will she think she and Jeff are a thing? they had likely wondered. When will she catch him in the act, and who will the lucky girl be?
Office pools had been started over less.
You moron. That self-deprecating voice reared up from the cobwebbed corner of her mind, louder than ever. You stupid little girl. Why don’t you just kill yourself? Spare yourself the embarrassment. They’re better off without an idiot like you around. Because really, how could you be so fucking dim-wittedly dumb?
She crumpled back into her seat beside the machine and sobbed. The humiliation and betrayal crashed over her in debilitating waves. She felt obtuse enough to stick her head in the washer and drown herself. Her brain made an immediate leap to the medicine cabinet upstairs—the master bathroom had once held relief. Under Jeffrey’s orders, Avis had continued to pick up Audra’s pills at the clinic. But they were confiscated as soon as she stepped out of the facility. Jeff would pour them out the open car window or crush them under his boot heels, grinding them into the pavement. The fact that her source of help was gone only made her burst into another fit of hysterical tears.
Avis would have been happy to live out the rest of her life in the laundry room, but Kenzie slunk inside and quietly took a seat on the floor beside her. He watched as she wiped at her face with someone’s dirty T-shirt. When she finally gathered up enough courage to look at him, he gave her a pensive smile.
“It’s always strange the first time,” he said, doing her the favor of not asking what was wrong. He’d figured her problem out on his own. Hell, for all Avis knew, they were laughing at her as she wept behind a closed door. Was she still Avis if they were all snickering behind her back? Was Avis the type of girl to be the butt of someone’s jokes? She shook her head and tried to put on a miserable smile. Kenzie reached out and placed a long-fingered hand on her knee for comfort, then scooted a little closer. His hand drifted down her leg to cup her calf. “When I first found out, I walked in on Clover and Gypsy,” he said. “Thought they were gonna kill me.” He cracked a widemouthed grin, then barked out a jarring laugh at the memory.
She soaked up spit and tears with cotton that smelled of sweat.
“It’s our way, see? We gotta love each other. Being this way, it makes us stronger, more unified. You know, like a team.” When she didn’t respond, he gave her a quizzical look. “Don’t you feel closer to Jeff after you two started sleepin’ together?”
Her heart jumped into her throat, nearly escaping in another spasm of sickness. Did everyone know that she and Jeff were having sex? She squeezed her eyes shut against the sudden pounding in her head. There’s something very wrong here, she thought. This isn’t the way it’s supposed to be.
“It’s no big deal, Avis,” he said. That name. “You don’t gotta be embarrassed. Everyone belongs to everyone. Monogamy is selfish, like ownership. You don’t want to be owned, right? That’s slavery.” He glanced over his shoulder, then leaned in, motioning for her to bring her tear-swollen face closer to his. Audra wasn’t interested in secrets. She’d had her fill. But she moved closer anyway. “Even so, we still have our favorites.”
She pulled away from him, feeling sicker than ever. “Oh.” The single syllable came out flat and hollow. Was being a favorite good enough? Could she handle the nonexclusivity if somewhere, in the back of her mind, she knew she was Jeffrey’s top choice?
Kenzie backpedaled. “What I mean is . . . look, I’ve been around for about three years now. I haven’t ever seen Jeffrey spend as much time with one girl as he’s been spendin’ with you. I’m telling you, you’re the one.”
Was she? A guy like Jeffrey would have never gone for Audra Snow, but if she was his favorite, maybe she had transformed into someone new after all.
Avis—Audra?—blinked at the awkward, gangly boy in front of her. He was daddy-longlegs tall and skinny as a twig. His legs were bent every which way in the small amount of space the laundry room provided. She hardly ever saw him anywhere other than beside the living room stereo, flipping through the record crate.