Audra turned away from the sink, sat hard on the closed toilet lid, pressed the heels of her palms into her eyes, and sobbed—something a strong girl like Avis would have never done.
She heard Jeff drop the bottle of lithium pills into the sink along with the others. For a moment, she was sure he’d leave her in the bathroom to cry it out. Perhaps, by the time she got up the nerve to set foot outside the master bedroom, she’d find their things gone. Empty rooms and haunting quiet. Her old life and old identity would be back just as quickly as it had disappeared.
She gasped for air between sobs, tried to compose herself. Eventually gaining the upper hand on her emotions, she smeared tears across her face and let her hands drop to her knees. But Jeff hadn’t left. He was standing in the same spot, one hand on the lip of the sink, his gaze fixed on her shuddering shoulders.
“Doctors who prescribe pills are paid to flatline your thoughts,” he said. “They’re paid to brainwash you. Who’s paying your doctor, Avis? You?”
“My father,” she whispered.
“The enemy,” he corrected. “The man who is responsible for breaking your spirit. Do you truly believe he has your best intentions in mind? He’s a politician, Avis. He’s a liar.”
Her father had kept her under his thumb all her life, all while her mother shot daggers of judgment into her back. She’d never felt good enough for them, never managed to be as perfect as her mother had hoped she’d be—pink-frosting dresses and a sugar-sweet smile. To them, Audra was a failure, a medicated misfit they’d all but forgotten existed. It had been her idea to move to Pier Pointe, so what reason did they have to make sure she was doing okay on her own?
“He’ll know I stopped taking them,” she told him. “He’s obsessed with paperwork. They show up on our health insurance bill.” If she stopped her meds, her father would know. It would give him a reason to call, to see what was going on. Because no matter what she told herself about her parents, nothing could convince her that they wanted her dead—at least not in Pier Pointe, not in their summer home. It would be a scandal, all over the papers. The congressman didn’t need that kind of publicity.
“Then you need to keep picking them up from the drugstore,” Jeff said matter-of-factly. “Just because he pays for the poison doesn’t mean you have to swallow it.”
Of course Jeff was right. If her father did suspect, he’d appear on the doorstep and discover Jeffrey and his friends and force her to leave with her new family. How would a group of ten people ever find a place big enough, or a person kind enough to take them in? If Audra’s father came to Pier Pointe, if he knew what was going on here, it would render them all homeless. Hungry. Cold in the rain.
“Avis.” Jeff squared his shoulders. “Get up.”
She did as she was told, her head throbbing with the beginnings of a headache, care of her crying jag.
Jeff flipped up the toilet lid, watching her expectantly.
If she did what he wanted, she was risking her health. Her sanity. But if she refused, he would take his family and leave. She’d then be welcome to gorge herself on handfuls of medication, because what would be the point of going on? She would fill up the tub, put on a record, take them all at once.
“Do you want to be loved?” Jeff asked, his dark eyes questioning her devotion. She struggled to reply. “Then love yourself first.” He handed her one of the bottles out of the sink.
She stared at the bottle for a long moment, the name that she no longer wanted printed in black across the label. Audra Snow is gone, she reminded herself. She may as well be dead. That was when it dawned on her—she was saying that she was Avis, but she was continuing to take Audra’s pills, and the pills kept Audra alive.
If she truly wanted to be Avis, she had to let Audra go.
Unscrewing the cap, she tipped the bottle above the toilet. Slow-rolling pills plopped into the water, sinking to the bottom like overboard men. Jeffrey handed her bottle after bottle, not leaving a single mood elevator or stabilizer to maintain balance.
Do you want to be loved?
She did.
Can you love me if I lose my mind?
He would. She had to believe he would.
With the tipping over of the final bottle, she convinced herself of that.
And as if to prove it to her, he caught her by the forearm and pulled her out of the bathroom after she had flushed the last of the pills. He pressed her onto the mattress that had once been hers, his mouth hot against her skin. And as he worked the button of her jeans loose, she knew he was finally rewarding her for her faith.
Things would be okay now.
She loved him, and he loved her, too.
She was no longer Audra Snow. She was Avis Everybody.
But she started crying again despite herself. He eased her jeans down past her hips, and she wept, her eyes wide and staring at the ceiling overhead, her tears pooling in the delicate creases of her ears.
She wept, and she told herself it was joy.
21
* * *
VEE TRIED TO sleep, but her efforts didn’t last long.