CHAPTER 30
LILA
It was like a punch in the stomach when Crete showed up at the baby shower. For a while I’d managed to pretend I wouldn’t have to face him again, but I knew better. He wasn’t through with me. Bastard, his scrap of paper had read. Not boy, like most of them, or girl, like Birdie and Gabby had written. From that moment, uneasiness festered, the sickness of waiting to see what he wanted and what he would do.
I was angry that the joy of Lucy’s birth was marred by thoughts of Crete. As soon as she left my body, I felt a fierce animal urge to protect her. Whether or not she was Carl’s—and I told myself she was—she was mine. All the doubts and the dark thoughts I’d had during my pregnancy dissolved when I held her. I’d been so worried that I wouldn’t love my baby. Birdie had told me not to fret if the love didn’t come right away, that it often took time but almost always showed up when the baby did. She winked at me as she wiped blood and goop from Lucy’s tiny body. She could see my love had arrived.
Birdie showed me how to nurse Lucy, how to bathe her, how to care for the stump of umbilical cord that stuck out from my daughter’s belly button, a potent reminder of her connection to me. I cried when the stump fell off.
Carl stayed home with me and Lucy for the first week, and then he had to go back to work. We needed the money. I was wiped out from lack of sleep and constant nursing, still wearing my nightgown when Crete showed up one afternoon. Carl wasn’t home, and I wouldn’t open the door.
“It ain’t locked,” he said. “That lock don’t even work.” I stood there, terrified, ready to run for a butcher knife if he came in. “I’m not here to do anything to you. I’m just here to talk. We both know that baby … that baby right there”—he pointed to Lucy, who, as always, was wrapped securely against my chest—“she could be mine. And you can’t keep her away from me. One way or another, we’re family. I’m gonna be in her life, whether or not you like it. That’s how it is. You can tell Carl anything you want, he knows what family’s all about. He’s tied to me. I drown, he drowns. You drown. All of us.” We stared at each other through the screen. “Or just you. We could get rid of you, and everything’d be fine between me and him. Up to you, really, how you want it to play out.”
I felt sick, being so close to him. Could it be true that he wanted to spend time with the baby? Be in her life? How could I allow that after what he’d done to me? How could I trust him around Lucy? I loved her more than I ever could have imagined. Maybe it was true, what Carl said, that being an uncle would soften Crete. Maybe it would change him. I doubted it. To me, he’d always be a monster.
I rode into town with Gabby one afternoon so I could drop off a thank-you note for Ray. The rocker sat by the window in the baby’s room, and I loved to look out over the hills as I cuddled Lucy in the chair, singing lullabies. Ray’s gift had been incredibly thoughtful, and I’d been too emotional at the shower to thank him properly.
“What a grand surprise,” Ray said as he ushered me into his office. He took Lucy’s carrier from me and eased it to the floor. “What brings you by?”
“I just wanted to tell you how much Lucy and I love the rocker. She quiets down every time we sit in it.”
“Warms my heart to hear it,” he said, gazing admiringly at Lucy. “That child is a living doll.”
I adjusted the baby quilt Ransome had made, tucking it under Lucy’s feet.
“How are you feeling these days?” Ray asked gently. “Are you getting enough sleep? You’re … You look awfully thin, my dear.”
“I’m fine,” I said. “The baby keeps me busy. I barely have time to sit down and eat.”
“Have you been to a doctor since the baby came?”
“Birdie’s been checking on me,” I said.
“I know she delivered Lucy, but the woman’s not a real doctor. Heck, she was never even a real veterinarian. She gets prescriptions illegally from the vet she used to work for, some relative of hers. Now, I have a friend in Springfield, Dr. Coates, I can get you an appointment for tomorrow—”
“I don’t need to go see a doctor,” I said, my voice rising. Lucy squeaked in her carrier, and I burst into tears.
“Oh, sweetheart.” Ray slid out of his chair and knelt beside me, taking my hand. I leaned over and sobbed on his freshly ironed shirt. He smelled comfortingly of dryer sheets and old-fashioned aftershave. “It’s all right. Everything’s all right. It’s completely normal to feel overwhelmed with a new baby. But you should really see someone, just in case.”
“It’s not that,” I said, my voice muffled by his sleeve.
“Then what is it? You can tell me. Maybe there’s something I can do to help.” There was genuine kindness and concern in his voice, and that made me cry harder.
“I can’t tell you. I haven’t told anybody. If I tell, it’ll just make everything worse.”
Ray pulled a crisp handkerchief from his pocket and handed it to me. His initials were embroidered on it with gold thread. “It’s Crete, isn’t it,” he said softly. “Did he threaten you somehow?”
I didn’t answer. I’d been warned not to tell, and I knew Crete wouldn’t hesitate to follow through on his threats.
“I was worried there might be some retaliation for breaking the contract.” Ray sighed.
I was confused. My work contract? I hadn’t thought about that in a while. Carl had told me not to worry about it, and I assumed Crete had let it drop. Though I should have known better than to assume Crete would let anything go.
“Most likely, he’s just bullying you for fun,” Ray said. “He has no reason to be peeved—Carl did everything he asked. Signed over the deed to the house and his share of the land to Crete, to buy you out. I tried to talk Carl out of it, told him the contract couldn’t possibly be enforced, but he insisted. He wanted to do it Crete’s way, make sure his brother was happy.”
I felt like I might throw up. Carl hadn’t told me that he’d sold everything to set me free. Or that Crete now had control over us, could kick us out of the house, off the land, on a whim.
“We could try to get a restraining order,” Ray continued. “You’d need to talk this all over with Carl. I understand you might not want to tell me what’s going on, but you’ve got to discuss it with your husband.”
“Not yet,” I said, still reeling at the news of Carl’s sacrifice. “I don’t know what to say.”
Ray sighed. “Well, honestly—unfortunately—restraining orders don’t work best on those who need them most; they rely on rational thinking and fear of the law. But you do need to protect yourself. You have to be prepared in case something happens and Carl isn’t there to stand between the two of you. I hate to say it …” He paused and looked down at Lucy, who drifted between sleep and wakefulness. “You need a gun. Do you know how to use one?”
I shook my head. I’d never even held one.
“You’re no match against him physically, and he knows that. If you had a gun, the game could almost be fair.”
Though I couldn’t see myself toting both a baby and a gun, what choice did I have? If a lawyer was sitting here telling me I couldn’t rely on the law?
“Ask Carl to teach you with one of his little handguns. If he won’t do it, I’ll teach you myself, but I bet you can talk him into it. Tell him you’re worried about snakes while you’re out with the baby; you want to learn how to shoot to protect yourself and Lucy. It’s not completely untrue.”
It was a lawyerish thing to say, a slippery way of viewing truth and lies. But I was already lying to Carl in my own way, by hiding the truth. This was no different. I wiped my eyes and nose on Ray’s handkerchief, careful to avoid the embroidery.
“One more thing,” Ray said. “Promise, if it’s anything more than big talk, you’ll let me know. If Crete ever lays a hand on you, you’ll tell me right away.”
“Promise,” I lied.