It was the hole Peter had skirted all his life. It had grown into a chasm and still he’d avoided it, taken the long way round so as not to look in, to fall in. And now it had opened up right in front of him. Yawning and dark, and everywhere. Instead of going away it had simply grown.
He could have lied, he knew. But he was tired.
‘I did.’
For most of his life he’d wondered how this moment would feel. Would he be relieved? Would the admission kill him? Not physically, perhaps, but would the Peter he’d carefully constructed die? The decent, kind, gentle Peter. Would he be replaced by the wretched, hateful thing that had done that to his sister?
‘Why?’ asked Gamache.
Peter didn’t dare stop, didn’t dare look at him.
Why? Why had he done it? It was so long ago. He could remember sneaking into the stall. Could remember the clean, green metal door, the disinfectant smell that still made him gag. He’d brought his magic marker, and with that marker magic he’d done. He’d made his sister disappear. And he’d changed all their lives for ever with five simple words.
Julia Morrow gives good head.
‘I was angry at Julia, for sucking up to my father.’
‘You were jealous of her. It’s natural. It would pass.’
But somehow the reassurance made it worse. Why hadn’t anyone told him that decades ago? That there was nothing wrong with hating a sibling? That it would pass.
Instead, it stayed. And grew. The guilt had festered and turned rotten and had eaten a hole deep inside him. And finally, now, he could feel himself falling.
‘Did Julia realize what you’d done, Peter? Is that what she was about to tell everyone?’
Peter stopped and looked at the Chief Inspector. ‘Are you suggesting I killed my sister so she wouldn’t tell?’
He tried to sound incredulous.
‘I think you’d do just about anything to keep that secret. If your mother had found out that you were responsible for an act that left your family ridiculed and ruptured, well, God knows what she’d have done. Might have even written you out of her will. In fact, I think that’s a distinct possibility. That mistake thirty years ago could cost you millions.’
‘And you think I care about that? My mother’s been throwing money at me for years and I send it all back, all of it. Even my inheritance from Father. I want none of it.’
‘Why?’ asked Gamache.
‘What do you mean, why? Would you keep accepting money from your parents well into your adulthood? But, no, I forgot. You had no parents.’
Gamache stared at him, and after a moment Peter dropped his eyes.
‘Be careful,’ Gamache whispered. ‘You’re making hurting a habit. Spreading it around won’t lessen your pain, you know. Just the opposite.’
Peter raised his eyes, defiant.
‘My question stands, Peter. This isn’t a pleasant chat between friends. This is a murder investigation and I’ll know everything. Why do you refuse your mother’s offers of money?’
‘Because I’m a grown man and I want to stand on my own. I’ve seen Thomas and Mariana tug their forelocks and bow and scrape for money. Mommy bought Thomas his home and gave Mariana the seed money for her business.’
‘Why shouldn’t she? She has the money. I don’t understand the problem.’
‘Thomas and Mariana are slaves to it, slaves to Mommy. They love luxury and ease. Clara and I live hand to mouth. For years we could barely pay for the heating. But we’re at least free.’
‘Are you? Is it possible you’re as obsessed with money as they are?’ He held up his hand to stop Peter’s angry interruption. ‘If you weren’t you’d accept it now and then. Thomas and Mariana want it. You don’t. But it still runs your life. She still does.’
‘Oh, and you’re one to talk. Look at yourself why don’t you? How pathetic is it to be a cop, to carry a gun when that was the one thing your own father refused to do? Who’s compensating now? Your father was a coward, a famous one, and his son’s famous too. For courage. At least my mother’s alive. Your father’s long dead and still he controls you.’
Gamache smiled, which angered Peter even more. This was his coup de grace, the final thrust he’d kept in abeyance to be brought out and used only if things got desperate.
Now he’d dropped his bomb but Hiroshima remained, untouched, even smiling.
‘I love my father, Peter. Even if he was a coward, he was still a great father, a great man, in my eyes if in no one else’s. Do you know the story?’
‘Mother told us,’ he said sullenly.
‘What did she say?’
‘That Honore Gamache rallied the French Canadians against the Second World War, forcing Canada to hesitate before entering and convincing thousands of young Quebecers not to sign up. He himself joined the Red Cross so he wouldn’t have to fight.’
Gamache nodded. ‘She’s quite right. Did she tell you what happened then?’
‘No, you did. He and your mother were killed in a car accident.’
‘But there were many years in between. Near the end of the war the British Army marched into a place called Bergen-Belsen. I’m sure you’ve heard of it.’
The two men were walking again, down the shady lane, through the sweet summer air.
Peter said nothing.
‘My father was with the Red Cross division assigned to go into newly liberated prisons. No one was prepared for what they saw. In Bergen-Belsen my father saw the full horror of what man was capable of. And he saw his mistake. He met it in the eyes of the men and women who’d waited for help that didn’t come. From a world that knew what was happening and still didn’t hurry. I was eight when he started telling me the stories. He knew as soon as he walked into Bergen-Belsen he’d been wrong. He should never have spoken against this war. He was a man of peace, that was true. But he also had to admit he’d been afraid to fight. And when he stood face to face with the men and women of Bergen-Belsen he knew he’d been a coward. So he came home and apologized.’
Peter kept walking, the smug smile plastered on his face. Carefully kept there to conceal his shock. No one had told him this. His mother, in relating the story, hadn’t told them Honore Gamache had changed his mind.
‘My father got up in churches, synagogues, in public meetings, on the steps of the Assemblee Nationale, and he apologized. He spent years raising money and co-ordinating efforts to help refugees rebuild their lives. He sponsored a woman he’d met in Bergen-Belsen to come to Canada and live with us. Zora was her name. She became my grandmother, and raised me after my parents died. She taught me that life goes on, and that I had a choice. To lament what I no longer had or be grateful for what remained. I was fortunate to have a role model that I couldn’t squirm my way around. After all, how do you argue with the survivor of a death camp?’
Gamache actually chuckled, and Peter wondered at this man who’d lived every nightmare and was happy while Peter had every privilege and wasn’t.