“You guessed right,” Roland said. He opened the card, which contained a one-hundred-dollar bill, and read it aloud.
“I lost a part of myself the day I lost my father. Luckily I found it again when I looked in the eyes of my children. Your father lives on in the love you all have for each other. Thank you for taking good care of Allison.
My deepest condolences,
Cooper McQueen.
P.S. Use the hundred to buy bourbon—Bulleit Barrel Strength if you can find it. It’s what we call ‘drowning your sorrows’ bourbon.”
No one spoke at first. Allison blushed a little as Roland put the card back in the envelope.
“Flowers and booze money?” Deacon said, nosing through the massive bouquet. “You must be a fantastic lay, sis.”
“Deacon, I swear to God,” Thora said.
“He’s not wrong,” Roland said. Allison elbowed him in the ribs.
“I’ll take these,” Thora said. “They’re going on the mantel out of the way of Brien’s reach.”
“What about the booze money?” Deacon asked.
“I’m keeping that out of your reach,” she said.
Thora walked away with the flowers, scolding Deacon all the while and leaving Allison and Roland alone in the dining room.
“That was nice of him,” Roland said. She didn’t argue—it was very nice of McQueen. She hadn’t told him anything about what she’d learned other than that Dr. Capello had died and she was certain now she was safe. He hadn’t pressed her for more. She had a good feeling these flowers would be the last time she heard from him. And that was okay. It really was.
“Once or twice every year he remembers he has a conscience.” Allison picked up a loose carnation from the bottom of the florist’s box and twirled it in her fingers. “Today’s our lucky day.”
“The day you came home was my lucky day. The first time and the second time.” Roland took the flower out of her hand and tucked it behind her ear. “And it’ll be my lucky day again when you come back for the third time. If and when you come back.”
She looked up at him.
“What?” he said. “I can read you pretty well by now. You are leaving, aren’t you?”
She smiled weakly.
“I was thinking of doing what I told myself I came out here to do. See the coast. All of it. Drive down the 101 until I hit the ocean or Mexico.” She hadn’t given away all of McQueen’s money. She had plenty left for a long trip.
“Sounds like a nice drive,” Roland said. “Want some company?”
She’d been afraid of that question.
“Yes,” she said. “But...”
“Right,” he said.
“I think I need to be alone,” she said. “I’ve always been afraid of that, you know. I should get over it.”
“Why?” he asked. “Seems like being alone is something worth being afraid of.”
“You were a monk, remember?”
“And I lived with forty other monks. Monks aren’t hermits. I’m scared of being alone, too. We can be scared of being alone together if you want.”
“I signed up for six years of McQueen last time I got scared I was going to be alone in the world.”
“Didn’t turn out that bad, did it?”
“You’re defending my ex?” she asked.
“He sent us flowers and bourbon money,” Roland said.
“I guess he’s not so bad,” she said. “And we did have fun those sex years.”
“Six years?”
“You heard me,” she said.
Roland laughed. The laugh didn’t last long, but it was a good laugh while it lasted.
“So...” he said, perching himself on top of the dining room table. A no-no in the old days but the old days were over. “You’re leaving tomorrow morning?”
“That’s the plan,” she said.
He sighed. He didn’t look surprised but he didn’t look happy, either. Simply resigned.
“And you?” she asked. “Back to the monastery?”
“I suppose,” he said. “But not right away. I don’t want to leave Deac and Thor alone to clean up all the messes. Dad had money, lots of it. Lots of paperwork when there’s lots of money.”
Allison wondered what they would find when they went through the paperwork. Would he find out about the dead kids? The kids who hadn’t been so lucky? Not likely. Dr. Capello had burned all the evidence.
“You all rich now?” Allison asked.
“We have trust funds,” he said, and the tone implied they were substantial but not enormous. “But Dad’s also donating a big chunk of his money to a few children’s charities. He left a separate trust fund just for upkeep on the house, which is nice. I’ll have more than enough money to buy your bookstore if that’ll keep you here.”
“Nice try,” she said.
“Had to do it. Dad would have wanted me to.”
“You want to,” she said, raising a hand to his face. “Because you are the nicest boy in the world.”
It was a teasing compliment but Roland took it hard. He lowered his head and stared at his hands clasped across his lap.
“Am I?” he asked.
“I think you are,” she said.
“I didn’t used to be.”
“You used to be a kid. Now you aren’t. Now you’re a grown man, and a very handsome one at that.”
She stepped between his knees and wrapped her arms around his shoulders, and she sensed him flinch.
“What?” she asked.
“You hit my sore shoulder,” he said. “See?”
He pulled the collar of his shirt down and Allison saw the black bruise that mottled his entire shoulder. She stared at it, long and hard, and realized she hadn’t seen him shirtless since the night before Dr. Capello died. And this was why.
“I thought you used the ax.”
“I tried, but it was taking too long,” he said. “Brute force did the trick.”
“You plowed through a locked door with your shoulder.”
“I heard you scream,” he said. “What else was I going to do?”
Far more gently this time, Allison put her arms around Roland and held him to her.
“Thank you for saving my life,” she whispered.
“Don’t go,” he said into her ear. “Tomorrow, I mean.”
“Roland...”
“I know I’m making it harder for you. But I let you go the first time without a fight, and I’m not going to do that again. So let me fight.”
Allison pulled back to face him and gave him a weak smile. “Okay, fight me then.”
“I lied to you about one last thing.”
“Huge surprise,” she said. “What about?”
“Chopping wood. I told you I was chopping so much wood because it was relieving my stress about Dad. That’s not why. I couldn’t stop thinking about you being here this winter, and winter in Arrow Cape is why fireplaces were invented. I wanted to keep you warm all winter. I pictured you and me on the sofa in the living room with the fireplace going. I was dreaming about how I was going to read to you every night before bed, the fireplace roaring in front of us and you’d be lying in my lap half asleep. And I was dreaming about how you would hide with me under the covers when it rains. And it rains a lot out here so that’s a lot of hiding. And I know you’re leaving because we had to lie to you and you had to lie to us...but you lie when you love someone and you don’t want to hurt them. Maybe those lies don’t have to be a wall between us. Maybe they can be a bridge. Anyway, the truth is I chopped so much wood because I want to keep you warm forever.”
It was the most beautiful thing anyone had ever said to her. How could she say anything back that was worthy of his confession?
“I...” she began.
“It’s okay,” Roland said. “I know you’re still going. I just wanted to get it off my chest.”
“I love you,” she said.
His eyes widened.
“You can’t say stuff like that to a monk,” he said.
“Let’s go have sex all night long.”
“You really can’t say stuff like that to a monk.”
“I guess I can’t,” she said. “Too bad.”
She started to drop his hand and found that she couldn’t because a monk with a ponytail was hanging on to it.
“Maybe you can,” he said.
“No, you were right. You’re a monk and you’re going back to the monastery.”
He pulled her a little closer to him, a little closer still. He took the flower from her hair, McQueen’s flower, and tossed it on the table.
“But not tonight.”