NINETEEN
I SLEPT THE SLEEP of the damned, tossing and turning as if I were lying in a bed of smoldering coals.
Whenever I did manage to doze off, my mind was filled with tattered dreams: Dogger, standing atop a hill, his white hair and his gardener’s apron flying and flapping in a wicked wind; Feely and Daffy as little children, watching a Punch and Judy show in which all the puppets—except the Hangman—had blank, formless faces; Harriet floating on an iceberg, paddling furiously with her hands to escape an Arctic tidal wave.
I jerked awake to find myself sitting bolt upright, a strangled cry in my throat. My mouth tasted as if a farmer had stored turnips in it while I slept.
I looked round in panic, for a moment not knowing where I was.
It was that hour of the very early morning when all the world has begun to float to the surface of sleep, but has not yet really come awake. I cupped my hands behind my ears and listened for all I was worth. The house was in perfect stillness.
As I swung my feet out of the warm bed and onto the cold floorboards, my brain came instantly up to full throttle.
The will! Harriet’s will!
I had shoved it into the coal scuttle and put it out of my mind.
I had to retrieve it—and there wasn’t a moment to lose!
I was dressed in a flash and creeping as stealthily as a cat burglar towards the west wing. Dogger, who had difficulty sleeping, would soon be up and about. Not that I wanted to hide anything from him—no, far from it.
What I did want to do was to shield him from blame. There are a few instances in life where, in spite of everything, one has to swallow one’s heart and go it alone, and this was one of them.
I had left the torch in Harriet’s boudoir and would have to rely on the weird half-light that was coming in through the windows at the end of the hall. Sunrise, I judged, would not be for another three quarters of an hour.
Soundlessly I crept along the passageway, giving praise at every silent step for the invention of carpets. The soles of my bare feet could feel the grit left behind by yesterday’s parade of mourners, and I made a mental note to get out the carpet sweeper before breakfast and give the rug a jolly good cleaning. It was the least I could do.
At the entrance to Harriet’s boudoir, I put my ear to the door and turned up the sensitivity.
Not a sound.
I put my hand on the knob and—nothing.
It didn’t budge.
The door was locked, and the keys were inside.
For a brief, crazy moment I thought of fetching a ladder and scaling the outer wall, but I remembered that every one of the boudoir’s windows was firmly shut and locked.
The only other way into the room was through Father’s bedroom. I would need to slip in without knocking, tiptoe to the door which connected to Harriet’s boudoir, then enter and leave without a sound.
I retraced my steps in perfect silence. At Father’s door, I inhaled as much air as my lungs would hold.
I turned the knob and the door opened.
I stepped inside and began my long trek across the room.
As my eyes became accustomed to the lesser darkness, a lighter patch in the corner showed that Father’s pillows were untouched—his bed was empty.
I froze in my tracks and let my eyes move slowly round the room.
He was nowhere to be seen.
Had he gone to his study?
This was, after all, the morning of Harriet’s funeral. Perhaps he hadn’t slept and had gone downstairs to console himself among his collection of postage stamps, which to him, I suppose, seemed all that he had left.
His wife was gone, his house and estate as good as gone.
None of us were so simpleminded as to think that the moment the funeral was over, the anonymous buyer who had made the sole humiliating offer for our estate would not be pounding at the door.
We would be homeless.
For the first time in its long history, Buckshaw would not be in the hands of a de Luce. It simply didn’t bear thinking about.
I was now at the connecting door to Harriet’s boudoir. I put my hand against the green baize and pushed softly.
The door swung open without a whisper.
Inside, a single candle flickered at the head of the catafalque.
Father was kneeling on the prie-dieu, his face buried in his hands.
Dare I?
Putting each foot down as if I were treading on broken glass, I began making my way across the room.
As one always does in dangerous circumstances, I counted my steps: One … two … three … four—
I stopped. If Father lowered his hands and opened his eyes I would be plainly visible. The flickering light made my shadow dance faintly on the velvet hangings, black on black.
Five … six …
I reached out and touched the pall, squatted.
My knees gave off an alarming crack.
Father’s fingers dropped and his eyes shot open. He was looking to the right of where I was now crouching. He cocked an ear, turned his head towards the door, then evidently decided that the noise had come from the candlewick. Or perhaps cracking wood.
He gave a heartrending sigh and lowered his face again into his cupped hands.
He began whispering something, but I could not make out his words.
Was it the Lord’s Prayer?
I didn’t wait to find out. His own whispered words would be masking whatever small sounds I might make.
I stuck my hand under the hem of the pall, moved it ever so slowly from side to side, feeling with my fingers for the coal scuttle.
A slight click from my nails told me that I had found it.
I made my fingers walk like spider legs, up the side of the scuttle, over the lip, and down into its depths.
I stifled a sigh of relief as my fingers touched the oilcloth packet.
It was still there! The men from the Home Office had obviously been so preoccupied with their task that they hadn’t wanted—or hadn’t thought—to search the room.
Slowly—ever so slowly—I lifted the wallet clear of the metal coal scuttle, taking great care to not make the slightest scraping. I pulled it out from under the velvet drape and, concealing it with my body, began creeping like a slow crab towards the door.
But wait! The alarm clock!
I could hardly leave the thing behind in the coal scuttle! One coal scuttle was as anonymous as another, but the brass alarm clock was uniquely mine.
Back I crawled, delving again in the near-darkness into the scuttle’s depths. If I touched the wrong thing and the alarm went off, I was done for.
It was like defusing an unexploded bomb. I had to rely on my sense of touch alone.
Slowly … painfully … carefully I raised the clock from its tin tomb.
The silence was so excruciating I wanted to scream.
But a few moments later, I was on my way to the door again.
If Father discovered me now, I decided, I would pretend I had just come in to keep him company. He could hardly object to that.
But he didn’t move a muscle. When I looked back from the doorway, he was still on his knees, his back ramrod straight, his head bowed, and his face pressed into his hands.
It was a picture of my father that I would never forget.
I closed the door gently, passed quickly through his bedroom, and slipped into the hall.
Moments later I was back in my bedroom.
The clock showed 4:18.
It had taken me just sixteen minutes.
Sixteen minutes? It had felt like sixteen hours.
Somewhere a WC flushed and the ancient water pipes gurgled and clanked like chains in a distant dungeon. Buckshaw was coming awake.
In precisely ten hours, I would be arriving at St. Tancred’s with my family for my mother’s funeral.
It seemed incredible.
For as long as I could remember, I had lived in a world in which a missing mother was a somewhat exotic fact of life. But all of that was now about to change.
From this day forward, I would be a girl—and presumably someday a woman—whose mother, like everyone else’s who has ever been bereaved, lay in the village churchyard.
Nothing romantic about that.
I would be just another quite ordinary person.
And there was nothing I could do about it.