They sat at the Peppermill café once again, waiting for Susan to materialize, eating club sandwiches that Rick had brought out from the kitchen at the end of his shift. Nat waited for her with a kind of nervous tension that he ascribed to the El Camino, to Mike and to Johnny Aguirre, to the entire situation he had found himself in, but he knew it was actually because of her. She had come to feel like a thin barbed hook inside him, something that he continued to tug at despite its stinging, its pulling and tearing, all the while telling himself that he was either Rick’s best friend or he was not. Not even a decision but rather a kind of creed to live by. When they were children there had been no one to take care of them but each other, especially after Bill died, Nat’s mother drinking herself into oblivion day after day on the tattered recliner, the television waffling between game shows and soap operas, and Rick’s mother a lifetime hypochondriac who was finally diagnosed with cancer the year after they moved to Reno. So they had taken care of each other. He knew that Rick was still taking care of him, or was trying to. As for himself, he had no idea what he was doing. No idea at all.
What he had come to understand, perhaps what he had always understood, was that Rick was a survivor, was like a wolf or a coyote, some canid that had come out of the desert fully prepared to survive, tooth and claw. He had been that way for as long as Nat had known him, since they were children, certainly since they were teenagers. It was his natural condition. But the metaphor fell apart when Nat tried to apply it to himself. He was no canid; that much was clear. But then what the hell was he? When he watched nature documentaries on Sunday afternoons in the apartment, he sometimes felt like he could almost see into some truth beyond any he had imagined: a kind of thread that was nearly visible to him. Each animal, each insect, built to serve a particular and specific function and each performing its function without question and seemingly without will or logic, even though the structures built by creatures he deemed the least intelligent—ants, wasps, bees, spiders—held within them a will and logic and beauty that he could hardly comprehend. What will and logic he possessed had led him to complete oil changes and lube jobs and gamble away all his money and fear for his safety everywhere he went. What use his will if this was where it would lead him? But then most of the time he did not feel like he had any manner of free will at all.
As if to punctuate this thought, from somewhere inside the casino one of the slot machines let out a shrill hard ringing and a loud excited voice called out, I won! I won! The sound of it turned in his chest, pulling at him, everything pulling at him, always.
Hey, so I talked to my mom earlier, Rick said. I told her we’d be there around two or three.
Yeah, that works, Nat said. How’d she sound?
Pretty shitty.
When do they want to do the surgery?
A couple weeks.
They can’t turn her away for treatment, he said. Even if you don’t have a way to pay them.
It’s not just that. Last time she went through this my cousin
Charlene came out from Elko to help, but she’s not gonna be able to do that this time.
Why not?
I don’t know, Rick said. She’s got a job or something I guess. It’s not her responsibility anyway. It’s mine.
So what does that mean?
Means I’ll either have to move back there or hire someone to take care of her.
Dang, Nat said. Move back there?
I don’t know what else to do at this point. I’m pretty much out of time.
It was silent for a long moment and then Nat said quietly, I can’t move back.
I’m not asking you to.
No, I mean, Johnny Aguirre told me that I can’t leave. He said if I leave he’d find me. And he knows I’m from BM.
How does he know that?
He asked me when he was giving me the first loan.
Rick looked out into the casino now. Christ, man, you really got yourself in it, didn’t you.
I didn’t mean to, he said. It just kind of happened.
I don’t get it, Rick said. I don’t get it at all.
I’m trying to pull it together.
Are you?
Yeah, Nat said. Totally.
Seems like you’re just digging yourself deeper.
What do you want me to say?
Rick shook his head. I’m done talking about it, he said. He looked up past Nat and called out, Hey, babycakes.
Susan had arrived and she slid into the booth next to Rick. How are the boys? she said.
Boys are OK, Rick said. He glanced over at Nat briefly. How is the girl?
The girl is tired of stupid video store questions, she said. Do you have that one movie about that guy who did that thing? Um yeah, we have that. It’s over there. She gestured vaguely around the room. I swear I’m going to shoot someone one of these days.
Did you get a video machine? Rick asked.
I tried, she said. Everyone wants one for the weekend.
Damn, Rick said. That’s too bad.
Yeah, well, the store’s pretty much picked through anyway.
Rick shrugged and then lifted his coffee cup and sipped at it.
I gotta hit the bathroom, Nat said.
He slid out of the booth and skirted the slot machines and then stood at the mirror in the bathroom, staring at his own reflection. There were no thoughts now, no guilt or fear, only his own face staring back, his eyes, his hair, his mouth. His hands on the edge of the sink. This is who you are. And no one can save you.
He turned on the tap and splashed water into his face and when he stood upright once more he thought the image of Johnny Aguirre staring back at him from the mirror was only his imagination. But then that reflected image spoke: You’re a hard guy to track down.
Mike stood next to Johnny. On the other side stood a large, block-shaped man Nat did not recognize. He felt himself go cold. His finger throbbed.
Johnny, he said, his voice wobbling. I was just thinking about you.
Were you?
Totally.
Turn around.
He did.
Behind them the door opened and Mike’s hand caught it. Bathroom’s closed, he said.
Uh … my friend’s in there, Rick’s voice came.
Who’s your friend?
Nat Reed.
He’s busy, Mike said.
Uh … I think I can help, Rick said.
Mike looked up at Johnny. That’s the dumbest thing I’ve heard all day, Johnny said. Mike smiled. The other man, the one Nat did not recognize, only stood there expressionless, his face mashed in like a gangster from some old black-and-white movie.
All right, Johnny said. It’s a party. Open the door.
Mike pulled the door open and Rick stepped into the bathroom, Mike frisking him quickly, Rick finding Nat across the room, their eyes locking for one single moment.
So who are you?
Rick Harris.
All right, so here’s the question, Rick Harris: Does your friend have money for me or does he not?
Rick had moved to stand next to Nat and now he looked back at the trio standing near the door: Johnny and his two bodyguards. Yeah he’s got money, he said. He just got paid on Monday.
That true, Nat? Johnny said.
Nat was silent for a long moment, his eyes on the floor.