Not for a long time.
Rick lifted his bottle but did not drink from it. Battle fucking Mountain. What a shithole, Rick said. You know, when I first showed up there, you told me your dad was in the CIA. Do you remember that?
I didn’t say that.
Oh yeah you did, Rick said. Every fucking thing that came out of your mouth was a lie, right from go. Now your whole life is a lie.
What’d you want to talk to me about, Rick?
He shook his head. I’ve been up there to your little zoo, he said. I’ve seen all those animals in their cages. You’ve got yourself a little prison up there.
I’m gonna ask you this again and then I’m gonna leave. What do you want?
I want to know what you get out of that.
Out of what?
Out of turning your back on your people and coming up here to run a fucking zoo. Because I’ve been thinking about it for a long time and it doesn’t make any sense. I just can’t figure you out.
Rick’s skin looked both pale and gray simultaneously, as if he had grown old too quickly, his features carved into a thin membrane of flesh embossed upon a network of sinew.
There’s nothing to figure out, Bill said. They need someone to take care of them. So that’s what I do.
You let me rot in prison and let my mom die and turned your back on everything because you decided to take care of some fucked-up animals out in the middle of nowhere?
I made a life for myself.
Yeah yeah, Rick said, you’ve said that before.
Then I guess we’re done, Bill said.
He started to rise but then Rick leaned back in his chair, the beer in his hand. I think you’d better sit and listen to me so you know what’s coming next, he said.
Bill stood for a moment, watching him, and then lowered himself to the chair again. His jacket remained zipped and buttoned. Look, I know I did some things I shouldn’t have, he said, but it’s not anything I can change. I’ve already said I’m sorry.
A man with a feathered dart in his hand passed the table and seemed to survey both of them in turn as if sizing them up for a brawl. Hey, the man said, you two guys up for a dart game?
Not this time, Rick said.
Your loss, the man said, striding to where the dartboards hung on the wall in a slim alcove at the back of the bar. Someone closer to the door, behind Bill, burst into laughter.
I don’t know what else you want me to say here, Bill said. I’m sorry about what happened. I’m sorry you went to prison.
Yeah, everyone’s sorry, Rick said. He looked beyond Bill now, farther into the bar. Then he said, You know Susan wrote me a few years ago.
At the sound of her name, even after all these years, he felt his heart stutter in his chest. Oh yeah? he said.
Yeah, maybe four or five years ago. She married some guy out in Lemmon Valley. Had a couple of kids and everything.
Good for her.
That’s not the point. Point is, she told me about you and her when I was in prison the first time.
Me and her what?
Oh come on, man, Rick said. Now you’re just acting stupid.
The bottle on the table. The wet ring it made.
She said she just wanted to come clean about everything and that she was sorry but she had to get on with her life. So that was like the final piece of the puzzle, you know? I mean, you guys all just left me behind and didn’t even look back once. And here I am with shit-all to show for it. Everyone gets a fresh start and I’m left holding the bag? I don’t think so.
Bill lifted his beer and drank. He could taste nothing. Nothing at all.
Why’d you leave me there, Nat? Rick said.
He looked away for a moment and then looked back. I couldn’t have gotten to you in time, he said.
Bullshit.
I don’t know what else to tell you. It all went to shit so fast. There wasn’t any time to think.
You shouldn’t have had to think.
He sat watching him, the gray ghost that had once been his friend. Then he said, It just doesn’t matter anymore. You gotta move past it.
Doesn’t matter? It was twelve years of my life. Because of you, man. The whole fucking thing. That’s what I realized in prison. Everything that got fucked up in my life was all because of you.
I don’t know what to tell you, man. I really don’t.
Rick sat looking at him.
We done?
Fuck we are.
If you keep asking me the same thing I’m gonna keep giving you the same answer.
You fucked this up, Natty, Rick said. Just like you fucked up everything you ever touched. You really fucked this up.
You don’t know me anymore, Bill said.
Oh, I know you. You haven’t changed that much.
Yes, I have.
I don’t think so, Rick said. He smiled again, that thin shining line.
Bill sat looking across the table at him, his mouth dry, heart thumping away in his chest, Rick staring into his eyes. I don’t know what else to say, he said at last. I’m sorry for what happened. I’m sorry for how it worked out.
Not as sorry as I am.
Why’d you want to see me, Rick? Why are you even here?
I’ll tell you why, Rick said. His voice was cold now. I came up here to see what happened to the money but also to find out what happened to you. He shook his head slowly, dolefully.
This is what happened to me, Bill said. Now go home.
Rick looked up at him now, his eyes wet and clear. Go home? he said. I’m not done talking. He smiled now, his gray teeth shining in the bar’s neon signage. I gave you a chance. I want you know that.
A chance for what?
Redemption, he said.
What’s that supposed to mean? Bill said. His voice was steady but he felt as if he was shaking inside, his skeleton trying to loose itself of his skin.
It means I’ve been waiting twelve years to pay you back, Rick said. Now I’m the one done talking. Pay for my fucking beer. He stood quickly.