He shakes his head. ‘Still proud to be a slag I see. Twenty years and you still haven’t learnt.’
‘Did you love me, James?’
He jolts, as though mentally disarmed by the question, then steadies himself with one slow blink. ‘Of course I did. You were the love of my life.’
‘No, James.’ I slide the top drawer of the bedside table open and spider my fingers, searching for a biro, a letter opener, a syringe, anything sharp I can use as a weapon but all I find is an unopened box of tissues and something smooth, square and leathery. ‘I wasn’t. If you’d really loved me you’d have accepted my past. Instead you made me suffer because I couldn’t live up to the idealized woman you wanted me to be.’
His mouth narrows in disgust. ‘You tricked me, Suzy. You let me think you were different – that you were special, a beautiful angel – but you were the same. You were like every other dirty slag in London. You weren’t special enough for me.’
He inches closer to Charlotte, runs the back of his index finger over her cheekbones then touches the crown of her head and strokes her hair from root to tip, then does it again. His eyes are intense and staring and he’s breathing deeply in and out through his nose.
‘Is that what your mother told you?’ I say when he rests the tip of his index finger on one of her closed eyes. ‘That her special little boy deserved a good girl? That God would send Jamie an angel who’d saved herself especially for him?’
‘I saved myself for you.’ His hand leaves Charlotte’s face and he lunges at me across the bed. I dart backwards as his fingers graze my neck but then step forward again. If I can’t get help I need to get him away from my daughter, use myself as bait.
‘No, you didn’t, James. You lost your virginity to a prostitute.’
‘And how proud do you think I am of that? Something that should have been a beautiful meeting of souls was instead a dirty fumble with a whore.’
‘That wasn’t my fault.’
‘No.’ His eyes fill with tears and he reaches for Charlotte’s hand and presses it to his lips, his head bowed. ‘No, it wasn’t.’ A single tear rolls down his cheek. ‘I’m sorry, Suzy. I’m so sorry for what I put you through. You’re not a slut or a slag. You’re a beautiful, kind, tender-hearted woman. I never felt I deserved you. That’s why I was cruel to you. I was trying to push you away.’
I stare at him in astonishment as another tear follows the first, then another and another. We stare at each other, neither of us saying a word, until the silence is broken by the excited chatter of two female voices in the corridor. I look towards the door. Do I shout? Run? But running would leave Charlotte with James. It would be too dangerous. Shouting it is then. I open my mouth and—
SNAP! There is a sickening crunch like a chicken bone being bitten in half by a dog and I spin round. James is holding Charlotte’s right hand around the wrist. The little finger of her right hand is bent backwards at ninety degrees, the nail brushing the back of her hand.
‘Hello Mummy,’ he says in a little girl’s voice as he waggles my daughter’s hand at me, mimicking a wave, the broken finger flopping limply from side to side. ‘Look at my wibbly, wobbly finger.’
‘Leave her alone!’ I launch myself towards them, clambering onto the bed with one knee as I throw myself at James in an attempt to knock him away from my daughter but he’s too quick and knocks me sideways so I topple on top of my daughter instead. I struggle to right myself but James grabs my right forearm and, as he twists it so it’s lying across Charlotte’s throat, the oxygen mask over her mouth is knocked free. There is a deep rumbling gurgle from within her chest and she gasps for breath.
‘Leave her alone?’ James says as he digs his fingers into my arm, his face millimeters from mine, my cheek pressed against Charlotte’s ribcage. ‘Like you left my Mammy alone? She died, Sue. No, you didn’t know that, did you? You didn’t know because you ran away and left her to rot in a hospital ward. You didn’t just abandon me, Sue. You abandoned her too.’
‘I didn’t know,’ I whisper, ‘I had no ide—’
‘Shut up. I’m sick of the sound of your whinging, whining voice. Make one more noise and I will break the rest of Charlotte’s fingers, one by one, while you watch and then I will wring her neck. Do you understand?’
I nod silently.
‘Now get up.’
I try to stand but James grabs me by the hair. He drags me, bent double, towards Charlotte’s feet then yanks me around the end of the bed so I’m bowing in front of him. A jolt of fear courses through me as he tightens his grip on my hair and presses down on my head so I fall to my knees.
Nothing happens for several seconds. The only sound in the room is the bleep-bleep-bleep of the heart monitor in the corner of the room and the deep rasp of Charlotte’s unassisted breathing. I close my eyes and steel myself for a blow, a kick, or worse but nothing happens. Finally there is the squeak of chair legs on linoleum and James speaks.
‘It broke my heart when I realized where you’d gone,’ he is speaking softly, his voice barely a whisper and I risk a glance up at him, through my hair. He is sitting on the chair next to Charlotte, his head in his hands. ‘I’d been to the florist during my lunch break and bought you flowers and then, on the way home from work, I spotted a children’s clothes shop on the High Street that I’d never noticed before. The window display called out to me and I couldn’t resist going in. Do you know what I bought?’
I don’t move a muscle.
‘Do you know what I bought, Suzy-Sue?’
I shake my head.
‘A dress. A beautiful red dress with tiny white daisies embroidered on the skirt. It was tiny, Suzy. For nought to three months old. I’d never seen anything so exquisite in my life and I couldn’t wait to show you. I knew you’d be as excited as me.’ He clears his throat. ‘I told you I’d always wanted a daughter, didn’t I?’
I nod.