‘I went for a walk along the beach instead. To clear my head.’
‘For three hours?’
‘Yes, three hours.’ There’s something about his tone that irritates me. ‘My mother just died for God’s sake, Brian! Is there a time limit on grief? Was there a motion passed in Parliament that you didn’t tell me about?’
It’s unfair but lashing out is easier than lying, even when it’s not deserved. And I’m so close to finding out what happened to Charlotte.
Brian says nothing for a very long time and I’m just about to take the phone from my ear to check whether he’s ended the call when—
‘Tell me where you are and I’ll come and collect you.’
He may as well have offered me the other cheek.
‘There’s no need. Really. I brought the car.’
‘Then I’ll join you. We’ll get a coffee. Have a talk.’
There’s a cough to my left and I remember that I’m not alone. Ella is tapping away at her phone like her life depends on it but I can tell by the hunch of her shoulders and the fact her body’s angled away from me that she finds this whole situation hideously awkward. And who can blame her? I asked her to come along to convince Liam to tell me the truth, not to bear witness to my marital problems.
‘I don’t want any company, Brian,’ I say and then I realize that’s exactly why he’s checking up on me. He’s not trying to control me, he’s worried. My mother has just died, he thinks I’m suffering from depressive anxiety and post-traumatic stress disorder and I’m insisting he leave me alone. He probably thinks I’m about to do a Sylvia Plath and walk into the sea.
‘I’m sorry,’ I soften my voice. ‘I know you’re just trying to look after me but this is something I need to get through on my own and—’
‘But—’
‘Not forever, just today. I just need to get through today on my own. I’ll be back by this evening. Please, Brian. Please trust me.’
‘Of course I trust you, Sue. I just don’t want you to—’
‘I’m not going to do anything silly,’ I say, even though I know there’s every chance I might do the opposite, depending on what Liam has to say. But I don’t feel silly. I feel like I’m regaining control of my life, twenty years too late. ‘Please Brian, I need to do this.’
‘Okay,’ he says. ‘I understand. Just … please don’t stay out too late. Don’t make me worry unnecessarily.’
My heart twists in my chest. He is a good man. Despite everything he’s a good man and I’m lucky to have him in my life.
‘I love you, Brian.’
Ella squirms in her seat but I don’t care.
‘I love you too, Sue. Take care of yourself, okay and I’ll see you later.’
I end the call but I don’t immediately turn to Ella. Instead I stare out of the windscreen, at the thin blue line of sea on the horizon and I say a small prayer. Not to God, the Universe or anyone in particular but I ask for strength, courage and protection for my family. I ask for a twenty-year nightmare to be over.
‘Can I put the radio on,’ Ella asks, reaching towards the CD player, ‘if you’re just going to sit there and be weird. I can’t stand it when it’s quiet.’
I smile. ‘No need. We’re going to go and see Liam now and I hope you’ll do the talking.’
If Liam’s older sister was surprised to see his girlfriend’s mum and ex-best friend standing on the doorstep, she didn’t let on. Instead she pointed in the direction of Lewes Road and told us that he and Last Fight, his band, were rehearsing. She didn’t know what time they’d finish but suggested we wait in The Gladstone, the pub round the corner, where they always headed afterwards.
‘You didn’t have to get me a Diet Coke,’ Ella grumbles as we take a seat at one of the wooden tables in the back of the pub. ‘I’ve got ID you know.’
I raise an eyebrow. ‘Should you be telling me that?’
She grins and it strikes me how different she is from the first time we talked after Charlotte’s accident. The brittleness, the anger, the hurt – all gone. She’s like a little girl again, like the darling playmate Charlotte would bring home to bake cakes and decorate with fairy wings and sprinkles.
‘There he is!’ She points across the room.
Liam, surrounded by dark haired, similarly dressed young men, saunters across the pub, a guitar bag slung over his shoulder. He does a double take when he spots us.
‘Liam!’ I raise a hand and wave him over.
He nods then turns to his bandmates, says something I can’t make out and splits off from the pack.
‘Mrs Jackson.’ He looks at Ella and frowns questioningly. ‘Ella.’
‘She knows,’ she leans back in her chair and widens her eyes, ‘about you and Charlotte having sex at Mike’s house.’
‘What?’ He pales.
‘But she’s not angry,’ she adds quickly, pulling out the chair beside her. ‘She wants to know more about Mike. She thinks you might know something that could help Charlotte wake up.’
Liam glances at his bandmates, laughing and drinking, crowded around a table on the other side of the room.
‘Please.’ I force a smile. ‘I’m not angry. I promise. I just need to ask you a few questions.’
‘Okay.’ He reaches a tentative hand towards the chair next to me. ‘I can’t stay long, we’ve got band stuff to talk about.’
‘It was Charlotte’s idea,’ he says before I have chance to draw breath. ‘She was the one who pushed for us to have sex. I wanted to wait until she was sixteen and legal.’
I don’t believe that for one second but what Oli told us about the hotel room suggests that Charlotte was as keen as Liam, if not more.
‘Was she the one who suggested that you have sex in Mike’s house?’
‘No.’ He eyes our drinks. ‘Well, not straight away.’