‘Brian?’ I fight to keep the quiver out of my voice. ‘Brian, please. I need your help.’
He raises his head from his hands and slowly tilts back his head to look at me. His expression is blank, his eyes as fixed and dark as they were as we careered into oncoming traffic.
‘What do you want, Susan?’
‘I …’ I hold out the slippers but I can’t do it. I can’t tell him that James sent them to me. There’s no note, no purchaser details, no gift card – nothing at all to prove who sent them. And besides, Brian looks like someone just hollowed out his soul.
I perch on the edge of a wooden chair near the door. ‘I’m sorry, Brian.’
My husband doesn’t say anything but I can tell he’s listening, that he wants me to continue.
‘I’m sorry I told you there wasn’t anything to worry about in Charlotte’s diary. There is.’
‘What?’ Brian is no longer slumped back in his chair. He’s sitting up straight, the tips of his fingers splayed on the desk, his eyes fixed on mine. ‘Tell me.’
‘She …’ I can’t do it. I can’t ignore my gut feeling that I shouldn’t. Not with Charlotte’s safety at risk. ‘Why did you lie about going to the pool, Brian?’
‘What?’
‘Last week, when you took the morning off, you told me you went shopping and swimming.’
‘And?’ It’s just one word but I can hear the irritation behind it.
‘The Prince Regent has been shut for renovations for the last two weeks.’
Brian doesn’t so much as blink. ‘I didn’t go to the Prince Regent.’
‘Where then?’
‘Aquarena.’
‘You went all the way to Worthing for a swim?’
‘Something wrong with that?’
‘Brian, you haven’t been for a swim for months.’
‘Which is why I fancied a dip.’
‘Stop lying.’ I stand up. ‘Please, just stop lying.’
My husband sits back in his chair. ‘Lying? I think we’ve established who the liar is here, Sue. Or would you like to take back your apology from five minutes ago?’ When I say nothing a small smile plays on his lips. ‘What did Charlotte write in her diary?’
‘Where have you been going at the crack of dawn every day?’
Brian says nothing.
I say nothing.
We stare at each other, eyes locked, neither of us willing to back down.
Ding-dong.
The sound of the doorbell makes me jump. A split second later I’m out of the study, relieved of the excuse to escape. I think I hear Brian call my name as I hurry down the stairs but I don’t turn back.
‘Coming!’ I call as I cross the hallway, pass through the kitchen and walk into the porch. Milly follows me, nudging her empty food dish with her nose as I open the front door.
I can’t see anyone through the glass pane so I open the door and peer outside, half-expecting to see someone strolling down the driveway, but it’s empty. Whoever rang our doorbell must have sprinted away the second their finger left the buzzer.
‘What’s that Milly Moo?’ I turn back to find the dog gnawing on something in her bed. I take a step closer and crouch down. It’s a brown padded envelope.
‘Where did you get that?’ I distract the dog with a well-chewed tennis ball, slip the parcel away from her and sit down with it at the kitchen table. My name is written on the front in blue biro but there’s no address and no stamp. I turn it over. Nothing on the underside either, just a strip of brown packing tape holding the flap closed. Whoever rang the doorbell must have pushed it through the letter box.
I peel off the tape and slip a finger under the flap to open it. I can barely breathe as I upend the envelope and tip the contents onto the table.
Something pink and glittery lands on the cotton tablecloth with a clunk.
Charlotte’s phone.
Saturday 21st October 1990
I didn’t hear from James for three days after the incident with his mum.
He finally rang yesterday. I’d expected him to be contrite but he acted like nothing had happened and asked what my plans were for the weekend. I said I’d been invited to have dinner with some mates and he was welcome to join us if he liked. I said how much I’d like him to meet my friends. It was, after all, nearly two months since we’d met and he still hadn’t met anyone I was close to.
‘Helen and Rupert?’ he repeated down the phone, after I told him whose house we were going to. ‘The same Rupert you fucked at uni?’
I hated that, the way he said ‘fucked’ like it was something dirty that I should be ashamed of.
‘No. Rupert my very good friend who I happened to have sex with a very, very long time ago. Not that that matters.’
‘It matters to me.’
‘Well, it shouldn’t. It didn’t mean anything then and it certainly doesn’t mean anything now. Helen’s not bothered so why should you be?’
‘Helen’s not in love with you.’
‘Oh, for God’s sake. Don’t come then.’
‘And leave you alone with some guy who fucked you once and would probably love to fuck you again? No chance.’
‘James!’
‘What?’
‘I’m going to put the phone down now.’
‘Don’t. Suzy, I’m sorry. That all came out wrong. I’m still smarting from what happened on Tuesday. Forgive me darling, please. I’ll be very well behaved at the dinner party.’
‘You promise?’
‘Of course.’
James was drunk when I met him at Willesden tube. So drunk he could barely stand, never mind speak. I took one look at him and told him he should go home. He refused.
‘I’ll be the entertainment,’ he said. ‘I tell really good jokes. What’s brown and sticky?’
I couldn’t help but laugh and he was being very good natured and affectionate. Maybe it’ll be fun, I told myself. At least he won’t be uptight about meeting Rupert.