V’s eyes opened wider, as if she could see something denied to the rest of us. ‘It was like the whole world had fallen in on me. It still feels like that now. When I wake up in the morning it’s like I have a wall of concrete on my chest. I’m scared of everything. I find it hard to concentrate or think straight. I miss Angus every single second of every minute of every hour of every day.’
And there it was. The admission of what I had already worked out. Those were the words she used to say to me when she was ill before, how she couldn’t concentrate or think straight. It was like she was talking directly to me. It wasn’t Angus she missed every second of every minute of every hour of every day, it was me.
Petra shook her head. ‘Were you surprised at the violence Mr Hayes showed?’
‘I never thought anything like this would happen,’ V said. ‘But in hindsight I suppose I’m not surprised. It doesn’t feel like something Mike isn’t capable of.’
‘So you believe Mr Hayes to be a violent and dangerous man?’
‘I do,’ V said, looking straight at me as her tears fell silently. ‘I should have stopped him when I had the chance.’
Xander got his chance with V after lunch, although she didn’t look as if any sustenance had passed her pale lips.
‘Mrs Metcalf, I am interested in your dismissal of the game you played with Mr Hayes, this Crave.’ V looked up at him wearily and her head looked heavy for her neck. ‘You called it a bit of adolescent fun, even though you were both in your twenties. Is that correct?’
‘Yes. I probably shouldn’t have used the word adolescent.’
‘And maybe you shouldn’t have dismissed it as a bit of fun. I suggest it meant much more to you than a bit of fun.’
V looked at the spot I knew Suzi to be. ‘But that’s all it was, a bit of fun.’
‘Sexually charged fun in which you manipulated a stranger and Mr Hayes to make you aroused.’
‘It was hardly manipulation. And it aroused us both.’
‘Did you ever play this game with Mr Metcalf?’
I had known the question was coming but still my heart lurched like I was on a rollercoaster.
‘No,’ V said, and the definiteness of her tone reassured me.
‘Why not?’
‘Because I didn’t want to.’
‘So you discussed it with him?’
‘No, I don’t think I did.’
‘Were you ashamed of it? Embarrassed to talk to him about it?’
‘No, absolutely not.’ V leant her weight on to the witness box, but then stood straight again. ‘I didn’t want to do anything like that with Angus. Our relationship wasn’t like that, it was more than that. That game was just a childish stupid thing. It didn’t have a place in the relationship Angus and I had.’
The room felt swimmy, as if we had been suddenly transported to the jungle and the humidity was high. But I had to remind myself that she was only doing what she mistakenly thought was the right thing for us.
‘That’s quite a sudden dismissal of something you had played for many years, something others would find quite hard to comprehend.’
Verity looked up and her skin seemed tight across her face, like she had been wrapped in cellophane. ‘You’re making too much of this. No one ever got hurt, or even involved beyond a bit of mild flirtation.’
‘Except the girl in America,’ Xander said and I saw his chest puff out as he spoke.
V looked like she had been slapped. Petra also sat up straighter and I knew V hadn’t told her, which proved there were parts of us she was holding back, parts of the Crave she wanted to keep just for us.
‘Is it true that you and Mr Hayes picked up a girl in a bar when you were on holiday two years ago whom you took back to your hotel room and had sex with while Mr Hayes watched?’
Petra stood. ‘Objection, my lord. As far as I’m aware Mrs Metcalf is not being tried for her sexuality.’
‘Overruled,’ said Justice Smithson.
‘For the record,’ Petra said, ‘it is also no longer a criminal offence to be a sexually active woman.’
‘Sit down, Ms Gardner,’ Judge Smithson said. ‘You are being ridiculous.’ He stared at Petra from his stand, his anger clearly radiating off him. Petra’s cheeks coloured and she opened her mouth, but then sat heavily back on to her chair.
‘Please answer the question, Mrs Metcalf,’ Xander said. ‘Did you pick up a woman and have sex with her whilst Mr Hayes watched?’
‘Yes.’ V jutted out her chin, her jaw set tight.
‘And whose idea was it to do that?’
‘Mine. I was curious about having sex with a woman but I didn’t want to do it without Mike being there.’
‘Why were you curious, Mrs Metcalf? Was it something you’d never done before?’
‘Yes.’
Xander looked down at the papers in his hands. ‘That’s strange because I have statements from an Angela Burrows who says you and she had a sexual relationship for three months in the first year of university.’
I looked between Xander and V.
I saw V’s shoulders rise, but then they dropped again. ‘Yes,’ she said.
‘Yes what?’
‘Yes I had a sexual relationship with Angela.’
‘Did Mr Hayes know about it?’
‘No.’
I can’t remember Angela Burrows but next time I am allowed on to a computer I shall look her up.
‘So, when you asked him to watch you having sex with a woman because you were curious, you were lying?’
‘Not exactly. I was curious. I was curious about it in that situation.’
‘But you chose to lie to get your own way.’
‘It was hardly a lie.’
Xander tipped his head to one side. ‘We will have to disagree about that, Mrs Metcalf. Either way, however, it seems fair to say that you and Mr Hayes were involved in an intricate, highly sexual game which went on for many years and which few other people knew about?’
‘That’s unfair. You’re twisting things and making them sound different from how they were.’
I wanted to tell her to stop looking so angry.
‘Could you tell us about the Kitten Club, Mrs Metcalf,’ Xander said.
I felt my body pull upwards at those words and I saw V do the same. She held her hand to her face and appeared to wobble slightly.
‘Mrs Metcalf, are you all right?’ Justice Smithson asked, leaning over his bench.
‘I feel a bit faint,’ V said.
‘Can someone get Mrs Metcalf some water. And a chair,’ the judge said and I was aware of movement. I leaned forward, screaming at V in my head, and she must have heard because she looked up, her eyes pools of misery. We have another signal, one we learnt when we wanted to let the other know that we hadn’t told someone anything. Because we had so many secrets, so many pacts and stories which existed between us, it was sometimes dangerous to be in conversation with other people. As soon as I knew she was looking I opened my eyes wide and turned my head to the right so she could be sure that I hadn’t discussed this with Xander and she could tell the truth.
‘Are you able to continue?’ Justice Smithson asked when V had been seated on a chair with water at her side.
‘Yes,’ V said, ‘I’m sorry.’
Xander stepped forward again. ‘You were about to tell us about the Kitten Club.’
‘It’s a private members’ club.’
‘A private members’ club which specialises in fulfilling sexual fantasies,’ Xander said. ‘I believe in layman’s terms they organise orgies. Is that correct?’
‘It is.’
‘And you and Mr Hayes were members?’
‘We only went once.’
‘You paid five hundred pounds and you only went once?’
‘We realised it wasn’t for us when we got there. We didn’t even take part the one time we went.’
‘What made you think you’d enjoy it at all?’
‘I don’t know.’
‘It was just the sort of thing you and Mr Hayes were into then?’
‘Well, it turned out not to be.’
‘But it wasn’t out of the question that you would do something like this?’
‘I don’t see how this is relevant in any way.’ V turned to look at the judge, but he kept his eyes on the papers in front of him.
Xander ignored her as well. ‘One more thing about this Kitten Club,’ he said, sounding as if the words tasted bad on his tongue. ‘I believe when you register you have to provide names. They call them code names. And they advise you not to use your real names. Perhaps you could tell the court the names you and Mr Hayes used.’
V looked straight at Xander. ‘Truth and Lies.’
Xander looked at the jury. ‘Truth and Lies,’ he repeated and I thought I heard an intake of breath somewhere.