‘One of each.’ He shifted his weight and I noticed how pale and clammy his skin looked. I let what we were both thinking hang in the air and looked back at my computer screen and started tapping away until he left. Kaitlyn waved at me on the way past my window at lunchtime and I felt myself blushing, ashamed at what she would think of my behaviour the night before.
At two o’clock a note flashed up on my screen: Your appointment with Dr Lucas Ellin is in one hour at 3 p.m. I groaned loudly, sure that there was a good excuse for me to cancel the appointment. But if there was an excuse it eluded me as I found myself waiting outside Dr Ellin’s office an hour later, my suit feeling a little tight and sweat breaking out across my palms.
It was I suppose a credit to Dr Ellin that I hadn’t known of his existence at Bartleby’s until the moment the chairman had mentioned him but somehow I found this disconcerting. His room was very different from all the other offices in the building: it was a pale blue and his desk was glass, so I could see his whole body stretched out on his chair. He only had one computer and it was pushed into a corner, as if it was a minor irrelevance. And the chair I was supposed to sit on was a plush wingback, with a cushion in its centre. There was a large fern in one corner and a bookcase stuffed with books and papers.
He stood as I entered and extended his hand to me across the desk, which I shook as firmly as I could.
‘Sit down, Mike,’ he said. ‘I’m glad you came.’
‘I didn’t realise it was optional,’ I said, sitting on the edge of the large chair.
Dr Ellin laughed as he too sat. I didn’t think he could be much older than me. ‘So, do you want to tell me what brought you here?’
‘The chairman.’
He laughed again, but I wasn’t sure why what I’d said was funny. ‘Yes, but I mean the incident.’
‘I shouted at one of our clients.’
Dr Ellin pulled his glasses down from the top of his head and consulted some notes in front of him. ‘I believe you called Daniel Palmer a fucking useless waste of space of a man who needed to get some balls.’
I felt my colour rising. ‘Yes, it was very rude of me. I don’t know what happened.’
‘Do you often find it hard to control your anger?’ Dr Ellin leant forward over his desk. His feet I noticed were crossed at the ankles. I had a sudden urge to punch him in the face, an answer if ever there was one. ‘What do you find amusing about my question?’
I drew down the smile I hadn’t realised was there. ‘Sorry, nothing. And of course I don’t.’
‘Our chairman, Lord Falls, has noticed that you have seemed distracted recently. Your performance at Schwarz was exceptional, but you haven’t got off to such a good start here, would you say?’
I thought it was probably a trick question. ‘Well, I closed the Hector deal and we’re close with Spectre.’
Dr Ellin nodded. ‘Perhaps you’re finding the adjustment of moving countries hard?’
‘No,’ I said, hearing my tone had risen. ‘London’s my home. I wanted to come back. If anything I found New York hard.’
‘How do you find making friends, Mike?’
I wanted to ask if I had to go on sitting here, but I knew I couldn’t. ‘Fine. In fact I was out with a few of the guys from here last night.’ I wondered what Dr Ellin would think if I told him about where we’d been. Probably he would laugh again and think nothing of it. I knew in this world I was the one who was considered strange for shouting, but George’s behaviour at the club would be considered rational. I thought of Kaitlyn suddenly and how she’d told me that we were both outsiders. I longed for V to explain it to me and help me understand.
‘It says in your notes that you were brought up in care,’ Dr Ellin said, placing the tips of his fingers together in front of his face.
‘How do you know that?’ A familiar streak of shame ran through me like a piece of glass.
‘We like to know who we employ at Bartleby’s. I’m not saying it as a judgement. Just trying to get a clearer picture of where you’re at, Mike. We just want our employees to be as happy as possible.’
I felt like I was looking at Dr Ellin from underwater. ‘I was with my mother until the age of ten, then in a home for a couple of years, then I went into permanent foster care until I went to university.’
‘That must have been hard.’
I was sure Dr Ellin had no idea what hard was. He had probably been to the same school as George and the chairman and half the bloody office. ‘Not really. I was lucky. My foster parents, Elaine and Barry, were great.’
‘Why were you taken into care?’
I looked over Dr Ellin’s shoulder to the window and told myself I could just turn and walk out. I could have walked out of the whole building. ‘My mother had a problem with alcohol.’
He didn’t say anything, waiting for me to give him more, but I stayed quiet. It was none of his business.
‘Did she ever get violent?’
It’s amazing that people like Lucas Ellin get paid to make such obvious connections. ‘No.’
‘And what about your foster parents? How was your relationship with them?’
‘It was and is great. I was there for Sunday lunch just a few weeks ago.’ I shifted in my chair. ‘Look, I’m not sure what relevance this has to anything. I mean, I lost my temper and I’m sorry; I know I behaved badly.’
Dr Ellin held me with his stare. ‘Have you ever spoken to anyone about your childhood?’
‘Only my girlfriend.’
His eyebrows raised slightly. ‘Oh, you have a girlfriend? Do you live together?’
‘Yes. At least, she’s not living with me at the moment.’
‘You’ve separated?’
‘No, not exactly.’ The chair felt lumpy, like a bad approximation of what it should be.
‘Do you know that how you spoke to Mr Palmer is unacceptable? That you can’t always just say what’s on your mind?’
It was my turn to laugh then. ‘Of course I know that. I was having a bad day and he irritated me, if you must know. A grown man sitting there blubbing.’
Dr Ellin’s fingers were tapping against each other. ‘A grown man who was losing a company he had created, a grown man who felt responsible for all the people who were about to lose their jobs. It’s interesting that you find that show of emotions irritating.’
This felt as close to hell as I ever want to get: sitting in a fake-friendly doctor’s office giving the wrong answers. I knew I needed to find the words that would make him shut up. ‘If you want to know the truth, it had nothing to do with Mr Palmer. My girlfriend had moved out the day before and I was in a bit of a mess. But I’m fine now. We’re fine.’
Dr Ellin relaxed at that. He would, after all, have something tangible to report back to the chairman. ‘And of course being left is particularly hard for you, isn’t it, Mike? I expect it stirs up feelings you would rather forget?’ I would have laughed in his stupid face if the need to get out of his office hadn’t become imperative. So I made do with looking down and nodding. ‘I think you might really benefit from us meeting regularly.’
‘I’m not sure about that.’
‘There are also some pills I could prescribe you, to help you relax. Do you have trouble sleeping?’
‘No. And I don’t need pills.’
But Dr Ellin was already writing something on a pad. ‘There’s nothing to be ashamed of. Half the people in this building are on one type of pill or another.’ He waved the prescription at me and so I leant forward and took it, folding it into the inside pocket of my jacket. ‘And you know, because I am a private doctor this is a totally private meeting. What I mean is that none of this goes on your records, if that’s what you’re worried about.’
I couldn’t really understand what Dr Ellin was trying to say so I didn’t answer.
He looked down at his diary. ‘Shall we do same time next week?’