‘Different how?’
She sat up and her spine was ridged in her back as she curled her arms round her legs. ‘I want to sleep with a woman. Just once. And I want you to be there.’
I didn’t know how to answer at first. I was torn between the desire to do anything to make her happy and the repulsion at the thought of anyone else getting that close to V.
She turned round and I could see the need in her face. ‘It wouldn’t mean anything. It would just be sex. I just want to know what it’s like.’
‘OK,’ I said. And if I am being totally honest the thought was quite pleasant, desirable even. I knew how much V loved sex and what we made each other feel like and if she wanted to try something different then it was better that it was with me.
We dressed quickly, V looking all the more seductive for her bed-tousled hair and hastily applied red lipstick. We both probably stank of the sex we’d just had, but neither of us even applied deodorant.
The bars were like ones you see in films, dark and sordid, with loud rock music and pool tables. People stopped talking and looked at us when we came in and lots of them looked as if the beer had soaked right through their skin. The room smelt of farmyard and sweat and broken dreams. We drank neat whiskey for courage and its warmth spread through our veins.
We found what we were looking for at the third bar, sitting on her own at the edge of the room, on a high stool next to a high table which wrapped around a long wooden pole. She had frosted hair and smudged eye make-up. Her skin was pale and her teeth were yellow. Her skirt was short and her legs were dimpled and mottled and she wore what looked like a kid’s T-shirt bearing the emblem ‘Little Miss Trouble’. She said she was up for anything if we bought her a bottle of vodka.
She swayed on her walk back to the motel, and kept tripping over her feet, which both seemed to point inwards. She looked younger in the darkness, out of the lights of the bar, and she smoked with a defiance I had never seen before. V linked their arms and whispered something in her ear which made her giggle and I wondered if I would regret what we were about to do.
She stripped as soon as we got inside, before I’d even had a chance to shut the curtains, standing in front of us in cheap, grubby, once-white bra and pants. I sat in a chair, my head groggy and fuzzed, unsure of my role in the whole charade. I desperately didn’t want to have sex with the girl and my dick felt useless.
V walked towards her, removing her T-shirt as she moved. The girl spat her chewing gum on to the floor and then they were kissing. They fell on to the bed and I found I couldn’t stop looking at them, at how they fitted together, at how their bodies mirrored each other. Even when V arched her back and screamed, the girl’s head buried between her legs, still I looked, still I didn’t feel the need to rip them apart and beat my fist into the girl’s face. And of course I was so hard by then I stood up and my movement attracted V’s attention, so she beckoned for me and I went to her, moving straight for her mouth, kissing her fast. The girl sat backwards on to the floor and I heard the click of a lighter and smelt the enveloping smoke. But I didn’t care by then and neither did V, who was tearing at my jeans, rushing to get me inside her.
I had forgotten there were speeches at weddings.
Angus stood to loud applause. He wasn’t holding any notes and V was looking up at him, as were all the faces in the room.
‘Thank you all so much for coming.’ His voice was clear and confident. ‘It means so much to Verity and me to have you all here to share this special day with us and I know some of you have travelled pretty far to be here. We’re very touched.’ He droned on about how amazing Suzi had been with the organisation and how welcome she and Colin had made him feel. He said some sentimental crap about his own parents and his brother and his mother dabbed away a tear. He complimented the bridesmaids who just looked like generic little girls in white dresses to me.
‘But now, to the most important person,’ he said, turning to V. ‘My beautiful, amazing, clever, talented wife, Verity.’ He gazed down on her, but she had looked away and I saw her nervous blush begin to extend from her breastbone upwards. ‘I don’t need to tell you all how ravishing she looks today because you all have eyes. I don’t need to tell you how kind and clever she is because you all know her. What I do need to tell you all is how much she means to me.’ His voice broke slightly and he reached for his champagne, taking a sip.
‘I really cannot believe that we’ve only known each other for a year. In fact, we realised just the other day that we first met each other exactly a year ago last Saturday, which feels rather fitting. Not of course that we got together immediately because it took me a bit of time to build up my courage first to speak to Verity, then to ask her out, then to actually take seriously the fact that she might like me.’ Light laughter rang out and I wanted to stand on my chair and shout at everyone to shut the fuck up, so I didn’t miss a word. ‘So, it has amazingly only been ten months between our first date and this moment. Some might say that’s not long enough to know you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, but I knew after ten minutes. Verity is quite simply the best thing that has ever happened to me.’ He lifted his glass. ‘Can I ask you all to raise a toast to my wife, the most wonderful woman on the planet?’
I lifted my glass automatically, downing what was left in it. Ten months. A year. Ten months. A year. The words were like a steam train rattling through my brain. Verity and I had broken up at Christmas; it was now the middle of September. I counted down on my fingers even though I knew very well what the result would be. Nine months. I looked at Verity but she had stood up and was kissing Angus. My vision thinned to a small, white pin.
I endured Colin and the best man’s turgid speeches, only because I would have drawn too much attention to myself by leaving. I had to listen to how much everyone loved Angus and how Verity had had to overcome some difficulties, which was news to me, but was so happy now. I even had to hear Angus described as ‘the most eligible man in London’, a plainly absurd moniker for someone like him.
They finished in the end, as everything does, and the music began, so I was able to slip out into the now darkened night. Someone had lit a million candles and the garden seemed to sway with them. I stood by the side of the marquee and breathed deeply, letting the air expand my chest until I couldn’t hold any more, concentrating on the movement alone. The night was clear and the stars were sparkling, dotted across the sky like a message.
A woman was walking towards me, her steps small and her gait unsteady. Only when she got closer did I see it was Louise. She had a cigarette in her mouth, which she took out and waved at me. ‘You don’t have a light, do you?’
‘No,’ I said. ‘I don’t smoke.’
She laughed. ‘Of course you don’t. You couldn’t possibly have the strength to grow those muscles if you had a disgusting habit like this.’ She had stopped but her body was still rocking and her speech was slurred. ‘They’re about to have their first dance. You should go and watch.’
‘No thanks.’
‘Do you still love her?’
I looked over but it was dark where we were and I couldn’t make out all her features. ‘Why do you say that?’
‘Because you always loved her too much.’
‘How can you love someone too much?’
She laughed. ‘In the same way you can love someone too little. It’s like the three bears’ beds, it’s very rare you get it just right.’
I felt lost in the conversation. I didn’t know if she was trying to tell me something, maybe even something V had asked her to tell me.
‘You shouldn’t waste your time,’ Louise said. ‘Verity and Angus have got it just right and the rest of us can only marvel at their brilliance.’