Why did I spend six minutes of my life watching as a child, who could not yet sit up by himself, was brutally beaten by his mother? Because he suffered, and I didn’t want to turn my face away from his suffering. Some might say that you don’t need to see it to know it exists. And while that is true, I felt that if he was hurting, the least I could do was hurt along with him. Somehow, by watching his pain, I was also acknowledging it. I have to tell you, the images of her hand coming down on his skin are ingrained in my memory, probably for as long as I live. He was too little to know that he was not supposed to be beaten. His mother’s harsh cruelty was his norm.
I will not forget him. I will not forget that people hurt each other, or that children suffer for the sins of their parents, and their parents before them. I will not forget that there are millions of people crying out for help at this very moment. It makes me feel hopeless … like I’m not enough.
To cope with this very aggressive reality, I started typing. Because if I could not take vengeance on behalf of that small child, I would have Margo do it for me. Margo and her poetic vengeance. I killed them all in this book: the rapists who took from my friends, the rotting sadists who hurt children, the takers of life, the killers of hope. I killed them and I enjoyed it. And while that makes me equally as corrupt—a murderess in my own right—we are what we think, after all.
I want to make it clear that I believe in justice both in this life and the next. I believe we ought fight for the hurting, open our eyes to suffering. Not just our own, but the suffering around us. Sometimes, by saving someone else, you save yourself a little as well. By loving someone else and expecting nothing in return, we learn to love ourselves and expect nothing in return. Perhaps it is the simple act of doing for others that makes us feel more valuable in our own skin.
I want to implore you not to hurt yourselves. Not to cut your skin, or swallow pills, or drink to drown pain. Not to hand yourselves over so easily to men for validation. Stop feeling useless and worthless. Stop drowning in regret. Stop listening to the persistent voice of your past failures. You were that child once, who Margo would have killed for. Fight for yourselves. You have a right to live, and to live well. You’ll inherit flaws; you’ll develop new ones. And that’s okay. Wear them, own them, use them to survive. Don’t kill others; don’t kill yourselves. Be bold about your right to be loved. And most importantly, don’t be ashamed of where you’ve come from, or the mistakes you’ve made. In blindness, love will exhume you.
Love,
Tarryn
EATING DISORDERS HELP LINE: 1-800-382-2832
CHILD HELP USA—CHILD ABUSE REPORTING: 1-800-4-A-CHILD
SUICIDE HELP LINE: 1-800-SUICIDE
RAINN—RAPE SUPPORT LINE: 1-800-656-HOPE
RUNAWAY HELP LINE: 1-800-621-4000
NATIONAL TEEN GAY & LESBIAN HOTLINE: 1-800-347-TEEN
I’LL START WITH THE PERSON I DEDICATED THE BOOK TO—MY MOM. Who is nothing like Margo’s mother, I might add. I would have been a sociopath if Cynthia Fisher had not raised me. Thank you for teaching me kindness and what it means to love without the presence of self. If everyone had a mother like you, there would be less hurting in the world. My dad, who has very strange things in his marrow and passed them on to me.
My team of supporters—otherwise known as Tarryn’s Passionate Little Nutcases. Fierce and brave and frightening. I hope you’ve all seen the movie 300 because that’s what you remind me of. I wish I could thank you all individually and give you a hug. You girls truly brought me back to life.
Lori Sabin—my person. Simone Schneider, Tracy Finlay, Madison Green—people I love and wish I could see more. Nina Gomez and all of her alter egos. Some of my best times are spent with you. James Reynolds, for always encouraging, gifting, and giving that extra help when I need it. Rhonda Reynolds, for always being my mother.
Jenn Sterling, Rebecca Donovan, Tali Alexander, and Claire Contreras—Your encouragement and texts are always much appreciated. Alessandra Torre, for rescuing Mud Vein from Marrow! So grateful for that insight!
The bloggers who take the time to so eloquently review and support my books. Indie Solutions by Murphy Rae for the beautiful cover that encompasses everything Marrow is. Jovana Shirley at Unforeseen Editing—You always drop everything for me. Much appreciated.
Michelle Wang and Kolbee Rey—Thank you for sharing your stories with me. Human nature may have bullied your childhood, but you are tough and kind and full of light. I hope you never let other people’s mistakes dictate your worth. You are so loved.
Jonathan Rodriguez—You were aged in oak. Thanks for always being everything I need right when I need it and for making Knick Knack your favorite character. You get me.
Amy Holloway, my friend and muse, who inspired some of the deeper thoughts in this novel. You give me such peace. We are the color of BANG!
Madison Seidler, my editor, my business partner, but most importantly, my friend—I choose you! And then, Judah comes for a visit…and shit gets real scary.
Serena Knautz, my assistant and possibly the best human on the planet. Leader of the fierce gang. Rebel and out drinker. Loyalist. I would be lost and confused without you. Your love and unfaltering support carried my heart across dark places. I learn more about love every day from you. Olive you! Please don’t ever leave me (not even to go to France).
Colleen Hoover, who always gives me advice in the form of song lyrics. I’ve tried ten times to express my love and adoration for you, but I keep seeing you chase pigeons down Bourbon Street, and I get distracted. Baby, you crazy! I would kill for you. Seriously, I would. Just tell me who, and I’ll do it.
My little people, Scarlet and Ryder—Mommy is crazy, but everything I do is for you. (Yikes!)
OTHER BOOKS BY TARRYN
Mud Vein
LOVE ME WITH LIES SERIES
The Opportunist
Dirty Red
Thief
Never Never
TARRYN WELCOMES STALKING
BANG
book one in the Black Lotus series
A PSYCHOSEXUAL THRILLER WRITTEN BY
E.K. BLAIR
Preface