“Fine,” he said quietly. He straightened up and rubbed his hands against the side of his face, pulling at his eyes and then tugging at his hair. He let out a quick burst of air through his nose and spit out his gum. “I’m jonesing for a smoke so hard, you have no idea.”
I didn’t say anything, just observed him calmly, feeling like he was going somewhere with all of this.
“The truth is…” he said slowly, carefully, watching me with each word that left his mouth. I stared back at him, as emotionless as possible.
“I’m not bipolar. I mean, I guess I am…a bit moody. But I don’t think I’m bipolar. I just explain to my doctors what has been happening to me, my past, and they give me medication. Sometimes it’s bipolar stuff. Sometimes they give me meds for schizophrenics. Because it makes things go away. Do you understand?”
I nodded. It was what I thought. It was still shocking to hear him admit it.
“I tell doctors that I see dead people. Just like that kid from The Sixth Sense. Whatever happened to him, anyway? Whatever. Sorry. So I tell them that. And they prescribe me antipsychotics. Because they think I’m crazy. And I let them think I am, even though I know I’m not. And sometimes the medication doesn’t work. So I go to a new doctor and they give me something else. So far I’ve got a combination that seems to work…or at least it did.”
I looked down at my feet at that, paying extra attention to the cracks in the grainy, damp sidewalk. “That doesn’t seem fair, Dex.”
“It’s perfectly fair,” he said, surprised. “I don’t want to see them. That’s why you’re here. To see them for me.”
My head jerked up at him.
“Well, it’s true,” he explained, fumbling for words. “I mean, it was true. At the beginning. That’s why when I saw you in the lighthouse and you heard the things I heard and seemed to believe what was going on…I thought you could just see everything for me. You could take the brunt of everything and I could walk away, sanity intact.”
I glared at him, not able to take everything in at once. Angry heat rushed to my face. “You used me?”
“No!” he cried out and grabbed my hand. “Not at all. We saw everything together…”
“You weren’t…you weren’t attacked by Roddy, you weren’t strangled by kelp and held out of a window, almost killed, you weren’t almost raped by-”
“I know! I know, Perry, I know but that was just…what happened. You were there. It could have happened to me too, it was just as likely. It wasn’t about you instead of me. You…just don’t understand.”
“No, I obviously don’t,” I snarled and whipped my hand out of his.
“This is why I’ve been lying to you. I knew how pissed off you’d be if you found out. I was just trying to protect you.”
“Oh!” I said, throwing my hands up and waving them at the sky. “Look at Dex Foray being all big and noble again, as usual. My knight in shining fucking armor!”
“Perry please,” he said and grabbed at me again.
“Don’t touch me,” I whispered.
He did the opposite and brought me closer to him, his hand around the small of my back, raising my body into his. Though they barely registered in the moment, I could tell the passing people on the street were staring at us, worried.
“Perry,” he breathed hard, his brown, fathomless eyes looking deep into mine. “You don’t understand. It’s not just Abby. I have a past that I can’t run away from. Just as you do. I know you do. I can see it on your face, after a bad night’s sleep. You’re haunted in your dreams. I’m haunted in my everyday life. Now part of it has come back and I would do anything to keep her away. I’m not as strong as you are. I wish I was. I would do anything to have your strength, Perry.”
Now would have been the perfect time to tell Dex that I fucked with his meds. He was bound to figure it out on his own anyway. But I couldn’t bring myself to say anything. I felt like I had that rare upper hand again. It was a sick, sad thing to want but I couldn’t help but grab at it. With Dex, you never knew how long it would be until the rug was pulled out from under you again. As I had just found out.
I hate you, I thought, my eyes turning narrow and bitter.
“Maybe I should go on meds too,” I said while trying to get out of his grasp in such a subtle way that it wouldn’t cause attention on the street.
He released his grip a bit but kept his head down and close to mine. “Do you remember in Red Fox. When I had been off the meds and I told you how…alive I felt. That I really felt something?”
I nodded, keeping my breath controlled.
“That was the truth. Because the medication does some funny things to you. When it shuts down one part of your brain, it has a ripple effect. It keeps you from seeing with all your eyes. It sucks away your creativity. It hampers your soul. It keeps you from how you really, really feel. Deep, deep inside. For once, I felt everything. And the biggest thing I felt was the way I felt about you. That was like a hammer to the heart.”
I was speechless. I looked into his eyes, which were so close to mine. He was sincere. Sincere, worried, ashamed, scared and so many emotions. And I could see he was feeling something, whatever it was. Despite the damage I had done, I had freed him somehow, even if he didn’t know it. Even if it came with terrible, terrible consequences.
“What are you saying?” I said softly.
“I’m saying that you’re like my best friend,” he said. “You are my best friend, and I could never let pills take away what makes you, you. Your heart. And your beautiful soul.”
Oh. It was wonderful to hear, because I had come to think of him as my best friend, as twisted as that was. But...
And then his motherfucking phone rang. He kept my gaze for a few more moments before letting go of my waist and fishing out his phone.
I didn’t know how many best friends held each other like that.
He glanced at the display and answered it, looking excited. “Hello, Dex speaking.”
He smiled at me as the other person talked. It broadened and for the first time that morning, he looked truly happy.
“Thank you so much. We’ll see you then.”
He hung up and stuck the phone back in his pocket.
“That was Doctor Hasselback.”
“I figured.”
“He said we’re all set to film Block C tonight,” he said, clapping his hands together and wiggling his fingers. An entirely crazed look overcame his eyes, which made me think that he was at least, naturally, a bit manic when it came down to it.
I was still mad at him though. And at one glance at my face, he knew this.
“Look. I know you think I’m a pretty shitty guy after what I just told you. But you have to know that I’m constantly looking out for both of us. I care about me. And I care about you. In the end, I care about you a lot more.”
Well at least he admitted it wasn’t just one way.
“But I’m being honest. I really am. That’s all there is. And now you know it.”
I did have to commend him for actually coming clean when he didn’t have to. It took a lot of guts and a dip in his pride, which I knew didn’t happen too often. I could have come clean too. But I didn’t.
I just nodded. “So I assume Doctor Hasselback didn’t have a problem with us poking around the other night? I was a bit worried about the lights on the second floor, thinking he’d blame it on us.”
I was also worried that after I showed him Dex’s pills, he’d think twice about letting us in.
“No, he didn’t mention it. Doesn’t matter, we’re in.”
He raised his hand to high five me. I returned it half-heartedly. With everything that was going on, returning to the institute kinda seemed like the worst idea on earth.
He clasped my hand in his and gave it a quick shake. “I’m sorry, kiddo. I’m sorry I wasn’t honest with you earlier. I really am. I hope we can just…tell the truth with each other from now on.”
I gave him a tiny smile. There was nothing I wanted more, I just knew on my side it wasn’t going to be too easy. Then again, Dex was here, functioning, and aside from seeing Abby, he seemed to be doing OK. He seemed…alive, as he would put it. Maybe everything would be fine.
We turned and headed back to the apartment. I let that last thought drift behind me and get caught up in a dirty breeze. Of course, things never end up being fine.