I shook my head and struggled for words. “I don’t know what to say.”
“Saying yes would be a start.”
“I need to think about this…”
“Please, don’t think long.” His voice had dropped another register and was laced with a kind of urgency that made my skin feel tight.
He reached over and grabbed my hand and I let him. I looked down at it, at his long, strong fingers wrapping around mine, feeling like his hand was different in some way. But that was crazy. It wasn’t. He was still cocky, self-assured Dex…asking me something I never, ever dreamed possible.
I knew my choices but I didn’t have to like them. If I went with Dex, I knew I’d be safe. But would my heart? How could I ever trust him again? How could I think that living with him, even as his roommate, even for a short while, wouldn’t be emotionally damaging in some way? After everything that had happened to me, I was sick of my heart being stomped on and would do whatever I could to prevent that situation from happening again.
But then there was Maximus. He was less messy for my emotional well-being. But let’s face it, it’s not like there was nothing between us. I had sex with the man. Several times. And no, I wasn’t really in my right mind when I did it, but it still happened. It still made things awkward. It still put another well-hung elephant in the room. Not to mention that I didn’t really trust Maximus. Sure he bailed out Dex, but that only made me question why? At times he seemed to be my greatest supporter yet he could rat me out to my parents in a heartbeat. I just didn’t know where I stood – with either of them.
Dex squeezed my hand hard, bringing me back to earth.
“Don’t you dare move in with Maximus,” he warned, his eyes shining dangerously.
“What?” I exclaimed. Could he hear me thinking? “Why did you say that?”
“Because that’s your only other option, unless you have a million bucks hidden in your barista tip-jar.”
“I could go with Rebecca,” I told him, not knowing if that would work either.
He shook his head. “She and Em are having some problems. Otherwise I’d suggest it.”
I narrowed my eyes thoughtfully. “Would you really?”
He sighed and let go of my hand. “Look, I know things are kind of awkward right now.”
I scoffed.
“OK, fine, really fucking awkward. I know that. And I know we have a lot to talk about-”
“We have nothing to talk about,” I shot in.
His nostrils flared and he was trying hard to compose himself. “Fine. I guess we have nothing to talk about either. But for one second can you just accept the fact that despite what has happened between us, I still care about you. More than you’d probably want me to care about you. And that I’m going to do everything in my power to make sure you’re going to be OK. I know I failed many times before…but you just have to believe me when I tell you I’m going to do everything I can now to make things right.”
I studied him carefully, trying to ignore the sincerity in his words. He was buzzing with a sort of energy that I associated with our sexual encounters. I didn’t know what it was, there was nothing really sexual about what he was saying or the way he was acting toward me. But it was there all the same. It was a buzzing, vibrant aura that represented sex and power and something else I couldn’t put my finger on.
“There’s something different about you,” I said, squinting at him.
If he seemed annoyed at my avoidance of the topic, he didn’t show it.
“There’s something different about you,” he replied. “But you’re a woman and you change every five minutes.”
I frowned. “Is that it?”
He returned the look. “I don’t know, is it?”
I threw my hands up and went to go open the door.
“Wait,” he cried out softly, putting his hand on my arm. “Please, please don’t go like this.”
“Like what?”
“Like not making a decision,” he explained. “Can’t you see the urgency?”
“Dex, you’re asking me to move in with you. You. You of all people in this world.”
He looked away, tugging at his hair again.
“I’m sorry,” I went on, “I know it’s urgent. I can feel that too. But this choice for me might end up being just as dangerous as staying here with my parents. I’m sorry.”
Dex continued to look away but I saw the wince. I saw the strange cloud of despair over his eyes. I took in a deep breath, steadying my nerves, and opened the car door. Outside, the street was quiet and cold and my feet echoed loudly when they hit the ground.
“I’ll let you know, OK?” I told him. He wouldn’t even look at me.
I shut the door and walked away feeling like I had shut a window on a lifeline I was going to need desperately. Every step away from the Highlander felt like I was walking knee-deep through mud. And the closer I got to my house, all cheerily lit up against the darkness, the more I felt like I was heading into a dark hole. My pride was soaring inevitably high but as much as I enjoyed saying no to Dex, I knew it would crash-land later in a smoldering wreckage.
I stopped near the driveway and looked up at my bedroom window. It was hard to believe how close I had been to losing my life, to losing my very soul. If it hadn’t been for Dex…I wouldn’t have been burdened with the choice I currently had.
I exhaled, wiggled my fingers anxiously, then turned and jogged back to the Highlander that was still waiting at the roadside.
I rapped on the glass and Dex quickly undid the window.
“Hey,” I said uneasily, peering into the car. “I was wondering if you could stop by here before you leave tomorrow.”
He nodded coolly. “OK. What for?”
I could see the walls going up around him as well. They sure weren’t there before.
I smiled shyly. “I don’t want to be alone when I tell my parents I’m moving to Seattle.”
There was a pause as he took it all in.
Then his grin filled the whole car.