Brandon stared at her, perplexed. “Huh?”
“I’m not stupid. I know those rumors came from you. And I know you told everyone in our group to ignore me—to freeze me out! Because you were sore that I dumped your sorry ass.”
“God, Regan, you’re so paranoid,” Brandon replied casually. “And hostile.”
“If I’m hostile, it’s because you made me that way,” Regan spat. “Please move. I’ve gotta go to work.”
“Look,” Brandon said, jumping in front of her. “I’m sorry about everything that’s happened. You don’t have to believe me, but it’s the truth. I mean, after seeing what happened to Hannah, I realize that things need to change.”
“I don’t even know what that means.”
“Things around here need to change,” Brandon said.
“What things?”
“The way people are treated,” he clarified.
Her eyes bugged out of her head.
“I know I’m partly to blame—”
She opened her mouth.
“Let me finish,” he said quickly. “Please, just let me finish.”
She clamped it shut.
“I know I’m a popular guy and I have a lot of power. People look to me as an example.” He paused and scratched his buzzed head. “They expect me to lead them.”
Regan tapped her foot impatiently.
“I don’t know that I ever wanted to be in that kind of position,” Brandon said. He eyed her expectantly.
“And why’s that, Brandon?” she asked, humoring him.
“The pressure. I . . . I don’t think I’ve performed well under the pressure of it all,” he replied.
Regan waited, slightly intrigued.
“I admit it,” he went on. “I bullied people while we were dating. I tried to keep it from you as much as possible.” He shook his head. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me. It’s like the more people shoved me into this leader role, the more I came undone. I never wanted to be that guy. I think I was mad about it, so I just took it out on losers.”
“I don’t like that word,” Regan said.
Brandon sighed.
“I don’t know that I’m buying any of this,” Regan said, “but I’ll tell you this: You had potential. You could have been a great leader for this school. I’ve witnessed your kindness. I’ve seen your humility. I remember you when you were so very near the turning point. When you almost went to the good side. And I don’t know what stopped you other than a really evil heart. It made you try to change me. It made you go after people all over again—people who did nothing to you. It inflated your ego and encouraged you to strike me—”
“Regan, that was an accident,” Brandon interrupted.
“I just can’t believe you, Brandon,” Regan said. “I won’t ever believe that was an accident.”
He looked at her helplessly.
“You could have been someone really awesome,” Regan went on. “But whatever hatred was inside of you ruined everything.”
Brandon scowled. “So what? Now you’re teaching me a lesson by dating that guy?”
“Dating Jer has nothing to do with you,” Regan replied calmly.
“He’s messed up, too, Regan. All you did was go from one messed-up guy to the next.” The words should have sounded malicious, but it almost seemed like Brandon was trying to warn her.
She drew in her breath. “We’re all messed up to a certain extent.”
“Oh, you’re so wise,” he said flippantly.
“Will you let me finish?”
He shrugged.
“We’re all messed up, but I know the difference between a good guy and a bad guy.”
Silence.
“I’m so bad, huh?” Brandon asked. “How about this? I’m the guy who’s submitting an anti-bullying policy to the student government next week.”
Again, big bug eyes. Brandon was encouraged.
“Yeah, that’s right. You think I’m such an asshole. Well, assholes can have coming-to-Jesus moments, too, you know.”
She narrowed her eyes. “What’s in it for you?”
He reared back, shocked.
“Don’t do that. I don’t buy it,” Regan said. “Tell me right now. What’s in it for you?”
He dropped the false pretense and sneered, leaning in close to whisper in her ear.
“I get to be the hero.”
***
Ping!
There it went again, like a chime singing in the center of his heart. It started going off at random intervals that morning as he readied himself for school. It continued on his drive. It sped up when he saw his girlfriend waiting for him by his locker. It turned to frantic clanging when she stood on her tiptoes and kissed his lips.
Joy. That elusive feeling. He remembered a long time ago lying in bed the night Regan visited with cupcakes, thinking he felt it warm his heart. He wasn’t certain then, but he knew he felt it now—like his heart finally mended after years of abuse, years of torment.
His father no longer posed a threat. The students didn’t seem to either. His life was changing, his purpose . . . changing. The opaque image of his future self no longer stood at the end of the hallway bearing a rifle in one hand, a pistol in the other. He stood empty-handed because he’d already laid down his weapons.
The mission he lived for turned futile—the clear, detailed plan confused by happiness. Happiness altered everything. It pushed the hair out of his eyes. It plastered a goofy grin on his face. It grew a confidence he never before possessed—a confidence he had to check on occasion. It was too easy to turn into a cocky asshole because he had the girl. He had a running car and a brand new snowboard and a future. He had a good life.
Oh, what the hell? He was gonna be an asshole. He thought he’d earned it after years of suffering at the hands of that buzz-headed douchebag.
He strolled down the hallway at a leisurely pace, well aware that Brandon was behind them, watching Jeremy’s arm hang comfortably over Regan’s shoulder. Her arm wrapped his lower back, and she leaned into him as she walked, using him like a crutch. A love crutch.