She hid, too. She wasn’t as good as he was—being a rule follower and all—but she found a bit of brush that camouflaged her quite well, and pushed down the urge to give herself up: “I’m here! I didn’t mean it, guys! Was just messin’ around!”
The lights of the snowcats faded into the distance, far down the steep mountain, and she rejoiced. Now to find Jeremy and force a healing. It was absurd; she couldn’t demand he feel better. But she couldn’t stand the awkwardness between them, his blatant avoidance of her. If she couldn’t heal him, she, at least, wanted to share in his grief. But he wouldn’t let her do that. He hid away on the mountain, spending countless hours going up then down, up then down, up then down. Searching for his own healing, perhaps. An answer to why his life had to be so dramatic. A wish for something better.
Heart pang. She didn’t like that last thought: a wish for something better. Maybe he wished she would be better. Or different. Maybe more like Hannah—the girl whose company he so clearly preferred over hers.
“Jeremy!” she yelled into the white evening.
Nothing.
“JEREMY!”
He slid to a stop behind her, kicking up powdery snow on her pants.
They stared at each other.
“I’m out here, okay?” she said. “I almost peed myself trying to hide from ski patrol.”
He smirked.
“You know I’m a rule follower,” she reminded him.
He nodded.
“So, I’m out here,” she said again. “I’m trying my best. But I can’t keep crying over you in the bathroom. I don’t know what you want me to do. I don’t know what you want me to say. I’m so cut off from everything about you, and I know I’m not Hannah—”
“Huh?”
“I know I can’t make you feel the way she does. You guys have some sort of connection, or whatever. I don’t know. But I know you prefer to hang out with her. I get it. I do. But you’ve gotta understand how that makes me feel. I mean, just break up with me if you don’t wanna be with me anymore. That’s all you’ve gotta do. Yeah, I’ll cry about it. I’m a girl after all. But at least it’d be something other than you avoiding me all the time.” She paused. “I . . . I’m freezing up here.”
“I don’t wanna break up with you,” he said quietly.
“Then why are you treating me like this?”
“You want me to talk about my feelings, and I don’t want to.”
Silence.
“Seriously?” she asked after a moment.
He nodded.
“You’re avoiding me because you think I want you to talk about your dad?”
“Yes. Right after everything happened, you grilled me to death. You kept wanting to know how I felt. You kept asking me if I was okay. You smothered me.”
She blinked.
“Hannah doesn’t smother me. Hannah makes jokes and tells me to get over myself, that it’s just a killing. No big deal, right?”
Regan scowled.
“That’s what I need to hear. I need someone to not treat me like a fragile, little boy. I don’t want to be coddled. I don’t want to be wrapped up in hugs. I want someone to make fun of me and punch my arm.”
Regan clenched her jaw.
“Hannah does that for me. That’s just the type of person she is. You’re not like that, and I’m not saying she’s better than you. I’m just saying I needed her kind of compassion—”
“What compassion?” Regan snapped. “Jokes about your dead father? That’s compassion?”
Jeremy sighed. “See? I knew you wouldn’t get it.”
“Oh, that’s right. I’m just on the outside. I don’t fit in with yours and Hannah’s little clique—your clever, we’re-smarter-than-everyone-else club.”
“Regan . . .”
“I don’t know how to make inappropriate comments and act like a sarcastic bitch and share inside jokes with you!”
“Regan, please . . .”
“Why don’t you just go date her!”
“Because she’s gay!”
Regan’s mouth dropped open.
“And because I wanna date you,” he added quickly.
She snorted disdainfully. “Love being the second reason.”
“I didn’t mean it like that.”
“Yeah, I know,” Regan said.
Pause.
“Why didn’t you tell me she liked you?” Jeremy asked.
“Why would I?”
“Would have made it easier for me to understand the tension between you two—why she pulled away from me when you started hanging out.”
Regan said nothing.
“She’s been my friend for a long time,” Jeremy went on. “She’s helped me through a lot, even though I’m sure she doesn’t even realize it.”
Regan adjusted her hat. Jeremy wasn’t sure what else to say. He sensed her shutting down and searched for words that would force a response.
“I love you,” he said.
“Hmm.”
He bristled. “What does that mean?”
“It means I’m cold. I’m going down.” She looked at him a final time then exhaled softly. “See you around, Jer.”
She slammed her ski poles into the ground and pushed off with as much force as she could, securing her goggles as she picked up speed.
“What the fuck, Regan?” Jeremy shouted behind her.
She knew he’d come after her, and she squatted deeper, trying to pick up more speed.
“What the fuck was that?” he barked beside her.
How’d he catch up so quickly?
“Leave me alone!” she yelled back.
He leaned to the right, bumping her arm.
“Watch out!” she screamed. “That’s fucking dangerous!”
She swerved to her right, trying to put distance between them. He narrowed the gap once more.
“Get the fuck away from me!” she roared.
“No!”
He whipped out his hand and grabbed her arm at the exact moment he turned his board sharply to the left, breaking hard and fast. There was the slight possibility of ripping her arm out of socket, but it was the chance he’d take for love.
She fell. He fell. They tumbled several yards down the mountain, coated with snow like powdered doughnuts. When they came to a stop, she threw off her eyewear and leapt at him.
“You fucking idiot!” she screamed, pounding his chest.
“I’m sorry!” he replied, trying to grab her wrists.
“I could have died!”
He snatched her hands. “Stop being dramatic.”
She wriggled out of his grasp and continued her assault.