“Here’s some water.” Tom.
I close my eyes and take a really slow deep breath. And another. In my mind I picture the sea, crashing in and rolling out, crashing in and rolling out. And, slowly, my body stops shaking.
“Penny, what just happened?” Mum says. She’s looking so concerned it makes me want to cry again. But I’m too scared to cry in case it brings the panic attack back, so I just keep focusing on my breathing.
“Are you OK?” Dad says. He’s still holding my shoulders tightly. It feels nice. Like I’m anchored in place.
“Shall I tell them?” Elliot asks softly.
I nod. And as I keep on focusing on my breathing, Elliot explains about the panic attacks I’ve been getting since the car accident.
Mum and Dad both look ashen-faced.
“I’m sorry,” is the first thing I’m able to say.
Dad looks at me and shakes his head. “What? Why are you sorry?”
“You should have told us,” Mum says.
“I didn’t want to worry you. And anyway, I thought it would get better, you know, once a bit of time had gone past.”
“Shall I make some tea?” Tom asks, and we all stare at him in shock. Tom never offers to make tea. I smile at him and nod.
“OK, first things first,” Dad says, putting on a businesslike voice. “We’re going to get you some help, to try to get these panic attacks under control.”
“Yes, there are lots of things you can do,” Mum adds. “I know some great breathing exercises from when I used to get stage fright.”
“You used to get stage fright?” I ask in disbelief. It’s hard to imagine my mega-confident mum being scared of anything.
Mum nods. “Oh yes—it was terrible. Sometimes I was actually physically sick before a show, but I managed to get it under control and you will too, honey.”
“That’s right,” Dad says, smiling at me. “And I’m going to call the school and tell them you’re off sick.” He takes hold of my hand. “I think you should stay off till the new year—give this all a chance to blow over. There’s only two days of term left.”
I give him a weak smile. “Thanks, Dad.”
“And thirdly,” he says, glancing at Mum, “we want you to come with us to New York.”
Elliot sighs.
I look at Dad, alarmed. “But I—”
“And we want Elliot to come too,” Dad interrupts.
“Oh my God!” Elliot’s mouth drops open so wide I can practically see his tonsils.
“We were planning on asking you both today anyway,” Mum says with a smile. “But now that this has happened, it’s even more reason for you to come.”
“It’ll only be for four days,” Dad says. “We’ll fly out on Thursday and come back Sunday, Christmas Eve.” He looks at Tom and smiles. “So we’ll still all be able to have Christmas Day together.”
I look at Elliot. He’s now grinning like he just won the lottery.
“I think it will do you a world of good to get away,” Mum says. “It’ll give you the chance to properly get over the accident—and this stupid video nonsense.”
“Yes, by the time we get back, it will be Christmas and it will have all blown over,” Dad says.
“He does have a point,” Elliot says to me, right before his phone goes off. He looks at the screen and frowns before taking the call. “Hi, Dad . . . I’m next door. Where else would I be? . . . OK, OK, I’ll be there in a minute.” He ends the call, looking at us apologetically. “It was my dad, wondering if I’m going to school today. I’d better get going.” He turns and grabs both my hands. “I know you were nervous about going on a plane, Pen, but we can all help you with that, can’t we?” He looks at my parents and they start nodding like those toy dogs people put in the back windows of their cars.
“Of course we will, darling,” Mum says with a smile.
“We’ll all be there for you,” Dad says.
Elliot’s phone starts ringing again. “Hello, Mum . . . I just told Dad . . . I’m next door . . . I’ll be back in two seconds.” He puts his phone in his pocket and sighs. “I swear, my parents never talk to each other about anything!” He suddenly looks really worried. “Oh, I hope they let me come with you. What if they say no?”
“Don’t worry, darling,” Mum says. “I’ll go round and have a word with them later. I’m sure they won’t mind—especially as our clients will be paying for everything.”
Elliot nods and grins. Then he turns and looks at me hopefully. “So, what do you reckon, Pen?”
I take a deep breath and smile. “I reckon we’re going to New York!”
20 December
Facing Your Fears
Hey, guys!
Thanks again for all of your comments on my blog about friendship. I know it sounds weird as I haven’t actually met any of you or anything but I really do think of you all as my friends—you’re always so lovely and kind and your support means so much to me.
So, most of you will probably remember my recent post about the panic attacks I’ve been having since the car accident. Well, this week I had a bit of a Glass Slipper Moment.
A Glass Slipper Moment is the name Wiki and I give to things that happen that are really bad at first but that actually end up leading to something really good—like when Cinderella loses her glass slipper but it ends up reuniting her with Prince Charming.
Earlier this week, something really, truly, hideously horrible happened to me and it caused me to have another of my stupid panic attacks. But I think/hope it’s all going to lead to something really good.
I’m going away somewhere this week and I’m going to have to go on a plane.
This is making me feel really anxious but I’m hoping that if I can do this—if I can face my fear—then it might make it go away for good.
When I was little I used to think that a witch lived under my mum and dad’s bed.