‘Would it have made any difference?’ Kim asked, trying to fight the intrigue she felt.
‘Not to me,’ she said, honestly. ‘I am what I am, and a label wouldn’t have made me act any differently, but it might have persuaded my parents that the last thing I needed was more hugs, love and understanding. These were just more tools for my manipulation toolbox.’
Kim was grateful for the woman’s honesty, despite how uncomfortable it made her. It was a side of Alex she’d never seen.
The woman’s eyes suddenly fixed on a spot above her head.
‘Self-knowledge is a wonderful thing,’ Alex said wearily, as she travelled somewhere Kim couldn’t follow. Alex swallowed deeply. ‘But it doesn’t help when your parents gaze at your sister with uncomplicated adoration and view you with suspicious wariness. Do you have any idea what that does to a child?’ she asked, with a catch in her voice.
Kim shook her head. Her own mother had hated both her and her twin equally. But it was only Mikey in which she had seen the devil.
‘Sweet little Sarah got it all,’ Alex continued, as a tear formed in her reddening eyes.
Kim raised an eyebrow doubtfully, but Alex wasn’t even talking to her any more.
‘I knew as soon as Sarah was born that she was going to be the favourite. I could see it in my parents’ eyes. She was warm and sweet and loving: everything that I wasn’t.’
She wiped away the tear and another formed instantly.
‘From that point on I was excluded from everything. My parents had their perfect little daughter, the one they’d always dreamed of, and the imperfect one, the broken one, was cast off and ignored, classed as weird, strange. Maybe if they’d just tried a little bit…’ her words trailed away as she stared down at the table.
‘Would that have made any difference?’ Kim asked.
Alex raised her head. Her eyes were amused and clear of all emotion. ‘Of course not but look how quickly you were willing to believe it could have done.’ Alex appeared frustrated, as though Kim was a pupil that had not paid attention. ‘With all that you know of me and what I’ve done your own feeble emotions fail you and influence your logical mind. I don’t have that failing. You want to believe that there’s a part of me that can be reached. Even you, as emotionless and remote as you are, have the exploitable weakness of hope.’
Kim shook her head. ‘You are unbelievable.’
Alex smiled as though she’d just been complimented. ‘I learned very young that if I stared at a spot for long enough without blinking my eyes would water.’
Kim felt frustrated at her own willingness to believe there was an ounce of humanity or regret in the woman.
‘The trouble is that you want to believe there is a part of me, however small, that craves normality. I didn’t want family bonds. I didn’t want to be part of a family. You got that and look at the good it did you,’ she said, pointedly. ‘You carry around guilt and hurt that has shaped every decision you’ve—’
‘Alex,’ Kim warned.
Alex pulled a face. ‘Jesus, you really meant it when you said there was nothing in this for me, didn’t you?’
Kim raised an eyebrow.
‘Okay, but do you get it? You’ve got to stop thinking that everyone can be saved. It’s what gives people like me even more power to manipulate you.’
‘So, what should I be looking for?’ Kim asked.
‘A child that is disengaged, withdrawn from relationships with parents, family, peers, teachers. They may be socially isolated by choice. Little attachment and impervious to punishments.’
Kim began to think of the people she’d met over the last few days.
‘But bear in mind, that if they have come to terms with who and what they are, some of these traits might be hidden.’
Kim opened her mouth to respond when her phone vibrated the receipt of a message.
She took out her phone and read it.
She put the phone back and met Alex’s quizzical gaze.
‘Someone special?’ Alex asked.
‘No one you know,’ Kim said, pushing herself backwards from the table. ‘And I now find that I can stomach you no more. You truly are as deplorable as I thought.’
‘But now you understand that it’s not my fault.’
Kim thought for a minute before answering.
‘What you are doesn’t let you off the hook, Alex. You’re here for the things you’ve done. As you just explained to me, all your decisions have been conscious choices. They have been your actions. You understand the difference between right and wrong and still do it anyway. So, it is your fault, Alex,’ she said, walking away.
‘You’re not ready, you know,’ Alex shouted after her.
‘For what?’ Kim asked, turning.
‘Whoever sent you that text message. I saw the smile on your face that you didn’t even feel forming. I don’t know who it was from, but I can tell you now that you’re nowhere near ready.’
‘Fuck off, Alex,’ Kim said, not bothering to explain that the text message had been nothing like that.
It had been a request to meet at the Waggon and Horses for some urgent information.
And the text had come from Joanna Wade.
Sixty-One
Kim turned into Cradley Heath High Street and headed towards the Waggon and Horses.
She would give Joanna five minutes before heading back home. Alex had given her a lot to think about.
The sound of a siren reached her ears. She checked her rear-view mirror but saw no lights. She motored through the traffic lights at the four ways intersection, onto Reddal Hill Road. Despite the darkness she could see a huddle of people in the middle of the road and a woman waving at her to stop. Right outside the pub she was heading for.
Kim screeched to a halt and kicked the stand out to park the bike. She was off, and her helmet removed in a second.
‘Police officer, what’s happened here?’ she demanded as she pushed through the crowd.
‘An accident,’ someone said.
‘Hit-and-run,’ another voice offered.
‘Let me through,’ Kim cried as the siren of an ambulance grew closer. The feeling of dread in her stomach jumped into her throat as she reached the centre of the circle and her worst fears were realised.
The person on the ground was Joanna Wade.
‘Get away from her,’ Kim shouted, as she bent down and appraised Joanna, who was lying on her back.
The woman’s left leg was bent at an impossible angle, and Kim suspected at least two fractures. The left arm appeared to have been dislocated from the shoulder, and a couple of fingers were broken too.
Kim’s immediate concern was that Joanna was far too quiet.
No, no, no, her mind screamed.
None of the injuries she could see were life-threatening, but they were all agonisingly painful. She should have been screaming the place down.
‘Joanna,’ Kim said, gently, touching the unbroken arm. She fought to keep the emotion from her voice.
The eyes fluttered open and a slow smile spread across her face.
She swallowed, and her voice was barely more than a whisper. ‘You came.’
And that’s when Kim saw what she’d been missing. The blood from underneath Joanna’s head was pooling at her left ear like an oil stain.
She wasn’t crying out with pain because she was beyond it.
Kim swallowed down the building emotion in her throat as she took Joanna’s hand in her own.
‘Of course, I came,’ she said, gently rubbing her thumb across Joanna’s wrist.
Their eyes met, and Kim prayed that Joanna could not see the truth there.
Joanna licked her lips before speaking again.
‘Kim, look in…’
Her words trailed away as her head lolled to the side and her eyes stared unseeing into the crowd.
Kim allowed the paramedics to extricate her from the woman and move her away.
There was nothing more that she could do.
Joanna Wade was dead.
Sixty-Two
Kim took a deep breath before she started speaking.
‘Okay, so you all know that Joanna Wade was killed in a hit-and-run accident last night.’
The room silently acknowledged her words with solemn nods.
‘But what you don’t know is that she was probably waiting outside for someone to arrive. And that someone was me.’