I nodded. “I just…I think I’ll be able to move on. Or…get some closure in some way.”
“You don’t think Michael is there?”
“He could be,” I said. “I don’t know. Maybe that’s the closure I need.”
Her eyes were glued to mine, growing grave and hard. “And you don’t think you need to be afraid of him?”
I could see why she felt that way. I couldn’t blame her. I shook my head. “I’m not afraid of him until I have a reason to be.”
She stared at me for a few beats and if I concentrated hard enough, I could hear her thoughts. Just pieces of it. I hated doing it, so I always pulled back the moment I heard her.
You have all the reasons, she thought.
And yet I couldn’t quite agree. Not yet.
I sat back on my ass. “I think it’s just your mom who wants to see it for nostalgia sake.”
“You’re not going without us,” she said quickly, as if she had readied herself for that.
I eyed her neck and again felt like a hand had reached into my chest and ripped out my heart from the bottom. How was I even going to get on with the day with the knowledge that those marks were from my fingers, my teeth?
“Baby,” she said, and the purity of her voice brought me out of my spiral. “It wasn’t you, okay? I’ll be fine. Ada will lend me a scarf, no one will know.”
“Ada knows?” I spat out, horrified that her little sister knew what happened to her.
“My parents won’t though,” she said.
“And Maximus?” I asked, my nerves on fire.
She was reluctant to meet my gaze. “I turned to him first.”
I held her eyes with mine and let that sink in. She turned to him first. Another kick to my gut, a steel-toe going in deep.
I let out a puff of air, nearly doubling over again. I guess I deserved that.
“He has experience,” she said.
I frowned at her. “With what?” I cried out. “Being your shoulder to cry on?” And yet I realized how right my question was the minute I said it and how petty I was for even considering it.
“Yes,” she replied. “But also…” she trailed off and looked away.
“What?” I put my hand over hers and tried to ignore the fact that she jumped slightly from my contact. “What is it? What else could it be?” I felt like I was turning into more of a madman, spurred on by jealously that absolutely had no place here but here it was.
She gave me a frank look. “This isn’t news to you. But, he has experience with certain things.” I stared at her dumbfounded. She went on with a sigh. “When I had sex with him, a similar thing happened.”
Holy McFuck, I was going to vomit.
“Dex,” she said quickly. “Get past the sex part and think about what I’m saying. When we slept together, I was possessed and I did things to him that I would have never done sober.”
“I hope you kneed him in the balls,” I grumbled, trying to quell the jealously that was trying to rock through me. That was the last thing I needed to be reminded of but that was the last thing I needed to be worried about at the same time.
“He didn’t get off easy,” she said. “And neither did I.”
Crushing, crushing pain. I couldn’t even look at her anymore. “I wish…”
“It’s done,” she said with finality. “But I’m still going to marry you because I know the real you. We’re going to get past this. And if you need to visit the home you grew up in to do that, then you have my support. I’m going with you. We all are.”
I nodded even though I felt like she was flooding me with feelings I couldn’t quite absorb. My brilliant, beautiful Perry had been through so much already and yet here she still was, by my side while I was at my absolute worst. And considering I was Dex Foray, that was saying a lot.
***
An hour later, all of us were standing outside of the hotel, breathing in fumes of garbage and exhaust. Daniel and Ada had gone to get us coffees for the delightful journey back into my personal Hades.
Perry seemed to be handling everything well, despite the fact that she had a scarf peppered with giraffes tied tightly around her throat. But her mother only commented on what a lovely, elegant look that was. Ada and Maximus knew better and it was hardtop endure their glances. There wasn’t a moment that went past that I wasn’t beating myself up over it.
When we were all given a coffee, we took off down the street. I was in the lead, even though I didn’t really remember where I lived. Still, it only took a few blocks before instincts kicked in and I was remembering a route I used to walk a long time ago. It was weird to know that Perry’s mother might have walked the same route with Pippa.
Even though I had been close with Pippa as a boy, I didn’t feel like I had the same kind of relationship with her as Perry did. Ironically, our relationship had been while she was alive and Perry’s had been after her death, yet theirs was always stronger. Pippa had never come to visit me after she left her position.
I’d be lying if I thought that never bothered me. As overjoyed as I was that Perry found some love in her life, even if by the great beyond, growing up I had looked to Pippa more than I looked to my own mother. She was love while my parents were not.
You were loved, a voice rang throughout my head, ripe with bitterness.
I had no idea where it came from, but it was telling the truth. Pippa had loved me. And now, whether it was for me or Perry, she seemed to be gone forever.
As I walked down the street, my feet moving eagerly, I glanced beside me at Perry’s mom. We were leading the pack. She had staunch determination on her face, her thin lips pressed hard together, her brow furrowed in concentration. I wondered what was in it for her, what she was hoping to find. This was more than wanting a stroll down memory lane. She was being driven there much in the same way that I was.
But what were we being driven by?
It didn’t take long before the road started to become familiar and with that, the sense of urgency increased. I looked back at Perry. She was beside Maximus, both of their eyes trained on me, as if they had expected me to turn around and look at them.
The sight of them together riled up my caveman center but I ignored it and tried to give them a smile.
You’re all going to die, the thought jabbed into my brain.
And then everything went black. Time jumped and skipped.
The next thing I knew, I was standing in front of my childhood home and it looked exactly as I remembered, even down to the potted palm in the front, still half-wilted, its bright green leaves peppered with brown rot. After hearing my father wax on about how magical Hawaii was, I convinced Pippa, and through her, my mom, to get a palm for the front. It never really grew and kind of stayed dormant in this hunched over, sickly state.
And it was still here, the same cracked pot and everything.
For some reason that made me smile. I looked back at everyone else but I was surprised to see them staring at the house in concern and that Daniel was gone.
“Where did your dad go?” I asked Perry.
She gave me an odd look. “He decided to go to the Natural History Museum,” she said, as if I was stupid.
I nodded, like I understood but instead I was just aware that time had skipped by me again. I looked around and counted Maximus, Ada, Perry and Perry’s mom. So there were five of us now.
All of us believers, I thought. If that counted for anything.
“This is it,” Perry’s mom said, staring up at the windows. “Looks just like I remembered.”