“Music to my ears,” Kieran said. “Link coming atcha,” and he hung up.
Pat’s thread on the home-and-garden site started the same way as his Wildwatcher thread: a rundown of the facts, quick and neat, the kind of rundown I would have been pleased to get from any of my floaters. Where the Wildwatcher thread had ended, though, this one kept going.
I’ve checked for scat a few times but no dice, the thing must be going outside to do its business. I put down flour to try and get paw prints but no joy there either, when I went back up to check the flour was sort of smudged and brushed around (can post pix if that helps) but no prints. Only physical sign I’ve seen is about 10 days ago the thing was going nuts, so I went up in the attic + right under the hole were four long stalks w leaves on, still green (??looked like something off one of the plants from down by the beach? no clue, city guy here) + a piece of wood about 4in x4—worn down, w bits of green paint peeling off, like maybe a piece of plank out of a boat. Have no clue a) why any animal would want it or b) how it got it into attic, hole under eaves is only barely big enough. Again can post pix if they could help.
“We saw that lot,” Richie said quietly. “In his wardrobe. Remember?”
The biscuit tin, tucked away on Pat’s wardrobe shelf. I had taken it for granted they were gifts from the kids, saved for their sweetness. “Yeah,” I said. “I remember.”
Put out another trap that nite w piece of chicken in it but no joy. Have had people suggest a mink, marten, stoat, but all of those would go for chicken wouldn’t they? + why would they be bringing in leaves + wood? Would really like to know what’s up there.
He caught the board’s interest straightaway, just like he had caught Wildwatcher’s. Within minutes he had replies. Someone thought the animal was moving in and bringing the whole family: Stockpiling leaves and wood could indicate nesting behavior. June is late in the year for that . . . but you never know. Have you checked whether any more nesting materials have been added since then?
Someone else thought he was making a fuss over nothing. If I were you I wouldnt worry about it. If it was a predator (in other words—anything dangerous) then it would of had to be something smart enough to stay away from free meat. I cant think of anything that would do that. Have you thought about squirrels?? Mice?? Or could be birds? Magpies? Maybe since your near the sea something like seagulls??
When he checked back in, the next day, Pat sounded unconvinced. Hi yeah, could be squirrels all right, but have to say from the noises it sounds way bigger. I’m not taking this as definite, cos the acoustics in the house are really weird (someone can be at the other end of the house + sound like they’re right next to you) but when its stamping around up there, sounds the size of like a badger to be honest w you—I know there’s no way a badger could get up there but defo bigger than a squirrel or a magpie + way bigger than a mouse. Not mad about the idea of having a predator that’s too clever to fall for traps. Also not mad about the idea of it nesting up there. Haven’t been up recently but guess I’ll have to go check it out.
The guy who had suggested mice still wasn’t impressed. You said yourself the acoustics are weird. Their probably just amplifing the noises from a couple of mice or something. Your not in Africa or somewhere that it could be a leopard or whatever. Seriously keep going with the mouse traps try different kinds of bait and forget it.
Pat was still online: Yeah that’s what my wife thinks, actually she thinks prob some kind of bird (wood pigeons?) cos pecking would explain the tapping noises. Thing is she hasn’t actually heard it—noises are always either a) late at night when she’s asleep (haven’t been sleeping great the last while myself so awake at odd hours) or b) when she’s cooking + I’d have the kids upstairs out of her way. So she doesn’t realize how loud + basically impressive it is. Trying not to mention it too often/make a big deal out of it cos I don’t want to freak her out but starting to get to me a bit to be honest. No I’m not worried its going to like rip us limb from limb but would be a big relief to just know what it is. Will check out attic + update asap, any + all advice appreciated.
The floaters were packing up, making sure to do it just loudly enough that I would notice how late they had stayed. “Good night, Detectives,” one of them said, when they were hovering in the doorway. Richie said automatically, “Safe home, see yous tomorrow;” I raised a hand and kept scrolling.
It was late the next night, coming up to midnight, before Pat got back online. OK went up to the attic and checked it out, no more nesting materials or whatever. Only thing is one of the roof beams is covered all over in what looks like claw marks. Have to say I’m kind of freaked out because they look like they’re from something pretty big. Thing is though, not positive I’d actually checked out that beam before (its way off in back corner) so they could have been there for ages, like even before we moved in—that’s what I’m hoping anyway!
The guy who had suggested nesting was watching the thread: within a few minutes of Pat’s post, he was on with another suggestion. I assume you have a hatch going up to the attic. In your situation I would leave the hatch open, mount a camcorder pointing at the hatch and I would press Record just before you go to bed or before your wife begins to cook dinner. Sooner or later the animal will get curious . . . and you will get footage. If you are worried that it will come down into the main house and be dangerous if trapped then you can nail some chicken wire over the opening. Hope this helps.
Pat came back fast and buoyant: just the thought of having the animal in his sights had lifted his spirits. Brilliant idea—thanks a mill! At this stage its been in + out of the house for like a month + a half, so not too worried it’ll suddenly decide to attack at this point. Actually wouldn’t mind if it did, I’d give it something to think about, if I can’t take it down then I deserve whatever it can dish out right? He followed that up with three little emoticons rolling back and forth, laughing. I’d just like to get a good look at the thing, don’t mind how, just want to see what I’m dealing with. Also kind of wondering if my wife should see it—if she sees its not just a bird I figure we can get on the same page + work out what to do between the 2 of us. Also would be nice not to have her worrying that I’m losing the bit I have! Camcorder is a little out of our budget at the mo but we’ve got a video baby monitor I could rig up. Can’t believe I didn’t think of it before—actually even better than a camcorder cos it does infrared so no need to leave the hatch open—I’ll just rig it up in the attic + away we go. I’ll give my wife the receiver to watch while dinner is on + keep my fingers xd. She might even let me do the cooking for once!! Wish us luck! And a small yellow smiley face, waving.
“‘Losing the bit I have,’” Richie said.
“It’s a figure of speech, old son. This guy kept his head when his best mate fell for his future wife: dealt with the situation, no drama, cool as a cucumber. You think he’d have a nervous breakdown over a mink?” Richie, gnawing on his pen, didn’t answer.
And that was it from Pat, for a couple of weeks. A few of the regulars wanted updates, there was some sniffiness about blowins who came looking for help and never said thank you, and the thread tailed off.
On the fourteenth of July, though, Pat was back, and things had gone up a notch. Hi guys, me again, really need a hand here. Just to update, I’m trying the video monitor but so far no good. Tried setting camera to catch different bits of the attic but still no go. I know the animal’s not gone cos I’m still hearing it like every day/night. Its getting louder—think its got more confident or else maybe its grown bigger. My wife still hasn’t heard it ONCE, if I didn’t know better I’d swear its deliberately waiting til she isn’t around.
Anyway here’s the update, this aft went up to the attic to see if any more leaves/wood/whatever + in one corner were four animal skeletons. Not an expert here but they looked like rats or maybe squirrels. Heads were gone. Maddest thing is they were lined up really neatly, like someone had arranged them ready for me to find—know that sounds crazy but I swear that’s what it looked like. Don’t want to say anything to my wife in case she freaks out but guys this IS a predator and I NEED to find out what kind.
This time the regulars were unanimous: Pat was out of his depth here, he needed a professional and fast. People posted links to pest control services and, less helpfully, to sensationalist news stories where small children had been maimed or killed by unexpected wildlife. Pat sounded a little reluctant (I was kind of hoping to deal with this myself—don’t like getting people in to fix stuff I should be able to sort), but in the end he handed out thanks all round and headed off to ring the pros.
“Not cool as a cucumber there,” Richie said. I ignored him.
Three days later, Pat was back. OK so pest control guy came out this morn. Took 1 look at skeletons + said can’t help you out man, biggest he deals w is rats + no way is this a rat, rats don’t line up bodies like that + rats won’t take the head off a squirrel + leave the rest—he’s pretty sure all 4 skeletons are squirrels. Never seen anything like it he said. He said maybe a mink or could be some exotic pet that some idiot had to get rid of + let go into the wild. Possibly something like a bobcat or even a wolverine, he said you’d be amazed the tiny spaces these things can slip through. He said could be specialists that would deal w it but I’m not keen on spending loads of dosh to have someone else come out here + tell me not his problem either. Also at this stage starting to feel kind of like its personal—this house ain’t big enough for the two of us!! Those little faces again, rolling and laughing.
So am looking for ideas on how to trap it/flush it out/what to use for bait/how to get proof it exists for my wife. Night before last thought I had it, was giving my son a bath + the thing started going nuts right over our heads—at first just like a few scratches but gradually built up till it sounded like it was spinning round in circles trying to scratch a hole in the ceiling or something. My son heard it too, wanted to know what it was. Told him it was a mouse—never lie to him normally but he was getting scared and what was I supposed to say?? Legged it downstairs to get my wife to come hear it, by the time we got back upstairs the noise had totally stopped, not another peep out of the little bastard all night. Swear to God it was like it knew. Lads I NEED HELP here. This thing is scaring my son in his own home. My wife looked at me like I was some kind of total looper. I need to get this fucker.
The desperation rose off the screen, hot fumes like tar smoking in ruthless sun. The scent of it stirred up the board, turned them restless and aggressive. They started jostling Pat: had he shown the skeletons to his wife? What did she think about the animal now? Did he know how dangerous wolverines were? Was he going to call in the specialist? Was he going to put down poison? Was he going to board up the hole under the eaves? What was he going to do next?
They—or, more likely, all the other things crowding in on his life—were getting to Pat: that level-headed ease was fraying at the edges. To answer your questions no my wife doesn’t know about the skeletons, I scheduled pest control guy for when she was going to the shops w the kids + he took them away. I don’t know about you but I believe its my job to take care of my wife not scare the shit out of her. Its one thing for her to hear scratching, totally other deal showing her skeletons w heads gone. Once I’ve got my hands on this thing then obviously I’ll tell her everything. Don’t exactly like her thinking I’m going mental meanwhile, but I’d rather that than have her petrified every time she has to be in the house on her own, hope that’s OK w you but if not basically tough shit.
About specialist etc: haven’t decided yet but no I’m not planning on boarding up the hole + I’m not planning on poison. Sorry if that’s not what you guys would advise but again tough, I’m the one living with this + I am GOING TO find out what it is + I’m going to teach it to fuck w my family, THEN it can bugger off + die wherever it wants but til then I’m not gonna risk losing it. If you have an actual helpful idea then yeah please feel free to contribute I’d be delighted to hear it, but if you’re just here to give me hassle for not having this under control then screw you. To everyone who isn’t being a shit thanks again + I’ll keep you updated.
At this point someone with a couple of thousand posts to his name said: Guys. Don’t feed the troll.
Richie asked, “What’s a troll?”
“Seriously? Jesus, have you never been on the internet? I thought you were the wired generation.”
He shrugged. “I buy music online. Looked stuff up a few times. Message boards, though: nah. Happier with real life.”
“The internet is real life, my friend. All those people on here, they’re as real as you and me. A troll is someone who posts bollix to stir up drama. This guy thinks Pat’s messing about.”