With someone a little more experienced he might have suggested she fill the form in and he’d simply sign it, job done. But Kelly was new. It wouldn’t be fair to ask her to stretch the rules she was still learning.
‘Please?’ She let her chin fall and batted her lashes. He hesitated and her lips morphed into a flickering smile of confusion. That would have been his chance. There, with that little flicker. He could have told her why he hesitated and why he couldn’t help. But a paramedic pushed through between them, brusquely excusing himself, and Hawley’s chance evaporated, the moment lost. He was caught now with no way out. Despite all the promises he’d made to himself and stuck to for years, he heard himself say, ‘OK.’
Kelly beamed. ‘Oh, thanks. I know I’m being a pain, but she’s such a sweetie.’
She was already turning, leading the way across the frantic department, towards the paediatric cubicles. He heard a name as Kelly turned to deliver it, but only vaguely. The noise of shouted orders and bleeping alarms competed with the dull buzz in Hawley’s ears. He felt a prickling in his fingers and clutched his cold hands together. They crossed a corridor and the noise changed. The volume dropped away and instead of cacophony, here were muffled voices and the miserable wailing of a sick baby. Kelly pulled back a curtain and smiled brightly.
‘Hi, Ashlee.’
A student nurse in lilac scrubs stood sentinel at the bedside, the relief at Kelly’s return obvious in her anxious face. The little girl looked tiny on the trolley, her dark skin stark against the yellow sheets. A grey sling held her right arm flexed. Kelly kept eye contact, her dazzling smile not faltering for a second.
‘Where’s Mummy, Ashlee?’
‘She’s taken Efren to the toilet.’
‘Poor Efren,’ she made a joke of it, dropping her voice in a conspiratorial whisper. ‘Look, I’ve brought Dr Hawley to make you better.’
Ashlee whimpered.
Kelly turned to the student. ‘Lucy, pop to the loo and tell Ashlee’s mum the doctor’s here.
Lucy nodded and hurried off.
‘I want Mummy,’ Ashlee said.
‘No, it’s OK, Ashlee. All Dr Hawley wants to do is look. All he’s going to do is look at your poorly arm.’
Hawley watched the exchange from the foot of the bed.
‘Will you let him have a peep if I hold your hand, Ashlee?’
Ashlee gave a solemn nod.
Hawley didn’t move. He looked at the little girl. She was scared and vulnerable. He felt saliva pooling on the root of his tongue. He tried swallowing, but his throat felt tight and narrow, forcing a noisy gulp.
‘Hi Ashlee,’ he said, his voice cracking.
Ashlee said nothing.
‘Show me,’ Hawley said. He moved to the side opposite the sling. Kelly, confused, waited.
‘Just lift the sling a little,’ Hawley ordered.
Ashlee’s arm was resting on her abdomen. Carefully, Kelly lifted the bandage. Hawley leaned forwards and peered. The swelling above the wrist looked like a barn door diagnosis. He’d put money on it being a Colles’ fracture.
‘Yeah, that needs an X-ray.’
‘Good. I’ll get the form…’ she froze with one hand raised and sent him a manic smile, ‘which I’ve left on the desk. I’ll be two seconds.’ Before Hawley could respond, she swept the curtain back and exited, leaving him alone with the little girl.
He turned back to look at her.
She watched him, her eyes huge, brow furrowing, sensing at last that something was off-kilter.
He almost laughed at the thought. Off-kilter was putting it mildly.
Hawley forced a breath, steadying himself. He ought to say something. Reassure his patient. But he didn’t trust Ashlee. More importantly, he didn’t trust himself. That was why he avoided seeing children whenever he could. It was difficult. Sometimes impossible. And when it became absolutely essential and unavoidable he would. But always with a nurse present and with a parent. There was good reason. That was the sort of world it was these days. Hawley knew that only too well.
It was why he never saw children alone, like this. It provided far too many opportunities for misunderstandings.
He didn’t say anything to Ashlee. He merely turned away and swept out of the cubicle, not wanting to let thoughts, dark thoughts, crowd in on him again.
He almost collided with Kelly, beetling back around the corner.
‘Dr Hawley?’ Concern tipped the last vowel of his name up an octave.
He held out a palm, willing her to stop and be quiet as he recovered.
Kelly ignored him. ‘What’s wrong? Is it Ashlee?’
She brushed past him, opened the curtains. Hawley heard her voice, in control, soothing. ‘Hello sweetie. Won’t be a minute. You OK?’
Hawley waited until Kelly emerged from behind the curtain.
‘Whatever’s the matter?’
Hawley was shaking his head. ‘You should never…’ he blew out air. ‘Never leave a kid that age unchaperoned.’ He sucked in a breath through his nose. ‘Never alone…’
Not with me.
Kelly stared at him. ‘I only went to get the X-ray form.’
Hawley squeezed his eyes shut and then opened them. ‘Never.’ He shook his head.
‘But you were—’
‘Never.’ It came out through gritted teeth and made her flinch. ‘Never fucking ever…’
Kelly flushed.
Hawley closed his eyes again, knowing he was going way too far. This girl wasn’t responsible for his baggage. Baggage that had fallen open again here in this busy A and E, spilling out all its dirty laundry for her to see. But she had to know. That much she had to realise. He picked up a clipboard from a desk and grunted. ‘Give me the form.’
Kelly handed him the slip. He filled it in, signed it, gave it back, not meeting her gaze when he said, ‘Get someone else to look at the X-ray.’
She took it and said to his departing back, ‘Have I done something wrong?’
He stopped, half turned. ‘Kids are… You can’t be too careful. Get Goran to review her.’
Kelly nodded, tight-lipped. ‘You sure you’re alright?’
In his head, he could hear a shrill voice laughing maniacally. He was far from alright. He quelled the voice and said, ‘Fine.’
As he walked away, he could sense her eyes on him.
Sometime during this shift, she would speak to Goran about him. He had a good idea of how that conversation would go. Goran would sigh and explain how it was such a shame. That Hawley was a good doctor, an asset to the unit whenever he did a shift. But that there was something no one could quite put a finger on. And when Goran would ask why Kelly wanted to know, she’d explain about Ashlee, and Goran would bare his teeth in a grimace of pained understanding. Dr Hawley avoided kids. Would swap the crappiest file, even see to a constantly retching food poisoning case or debride a putrid gangrenous foot, anything so long as he didn’t have to see any kids. The other staff were only too happy to help him out. And Kelly would ask why. And Goran would reply with a faraway look and explain that no one really knew but it must have been something bad. Maybe he’d lost one along the way. A meningitis, or an Addison’s. Something that had left deep and unhealed wounds. And Kelly would nod and look sympathetic and feel sorry for him.
* * *