***
The next few days before Jenn came to get her stuff were an absolute write-off. Rebecca kept calling me and I kept thinking about calling Perry. I wouldn’t answer anyone’s calls, and Perry wouldn’t answer mine. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t shit. I drank myself into a stupor, and the only time I left the apartment was to take Fat Rabbit out around the block. The rest of the time, I just left the balcony door open and the little bastard did his business out there. I was too empty inside to care if our apartment was turning into Turd City.
I’m not one to wallow in self-pity, really I’m not. The last time I did that, I ended up in a mental institution on extremely strong drugs, pining after Abby, a girl who would later turn up dead. And then, years later, end up in my apartment. Still dead.
The funny thing was I expected to see Abby haunting me now that Perry and Jenn were gone. I expected to see her grotesque form gliding down the hallway or hanging suspended from the bedroom ceiling. I expected to see her standing amidst Turd City’s shitbrick buildings, beckoning me with her finger.
But Abby never came. And, to be honest, I was kind of disappointed. How fucking lonely was I, to be craving the company of a deranged ghost? No, this time I was so completely and utterly alone. I had no one but a smelly dog, and even he was starting to resent me for the deteriorating conditions.
I just didn’t see the point in anything. While my thoughts weren’t exactly suicidal, I entertained the idea of ending it all. I knew I would never do it, but I fantasized about how easy it would be. How no one would care. And how quickly the pain would stop. I didn’t want to die but I didn’t want to live either. Living, breathing, existing from day to day only added to the weight on my heart.
Shut the fuck up, man. Get over it. Shape up or ship out. Don’t think I wasn’t yelling those things in my head. But when the fuck did my head and heart get along anyway? They were mortal enemies now, sworn to rip each other to shreds.
I fucked up. More than I have ever fucked up before. I had the love of my life in my hands for one beautiful, exquisite moment before I ripped her apart and my heart bore the paper cuts. Perry…I’d never see her smiling face again. I’d never hear her melodic voice. I’d never be able to make her laugh or cringe or yell at me. God damn it, even if she would pick up her phone, scream at me, and give me eternal hell for the way I acted after we slept together, it would make me whole again. But there was nothing but silence. Nothing but darkness.
It took Jenn and Fuckface barging in the apartment while I was sleeping (okay, so it was the middle of the day), to bring me out of my first funk. Jenn ran in the room waving her arms above her head like a muppet, screaming at me over the state of the apartment, and threatening to call the SPCA for Fat Rabbit. I knew she was right. And when I heard the disappointed noises from Bradley in the living room, I realized I still had a smoldering coal of pride left in me. Abercrombie & Douche wasn’t going to get both my ex-girlfriend and a coat of self-righteousness.
“Jenn,” I said, sitting up in bed. She was looking around the room like I’d hidden shit everywhere. Literal shit. “Make this quick.”
“You’re disgusting,” she announced, flouncing over to a half-eaten pizza on the floor. “What the fuck happened?”
“You know what happened,” I said quietly, surprised at the embarrassment I was feeling, relieved that it meant I was alive. “I lost everything.”
She stopped in the middle of the room, slender hands on slender hips. “You lost nothing you didn’t already have.”
“How many negatives were in that sentence?” I asked, trying to count them.
She rolled her eyes, still managing to look disgusted. “You can’t lose something you never owned to begin with. Accept that and move on.”
“Whoa,” I said, shaking my head. “How fast you’ve gone to Bitch Town. Where’s the compassion I saw in you the other day?”
“I only have so much. You’ve used it all up.”
“So, this is how it’s going to be?” I asked, almost amused by her coldness.
“Jenn,” Bradley yelled from the living room, “maybe we should come back after we call the hazmat team.”
“Great idea,” I yelled back. “They can spray you both down for your crotch rot while they’re at it.”
“Real mature,” she sniped, edging toward the door.
“Someone has to be.”
Her green eyes narrowed into feline slits. “I’ll come back in two days, Dex. Noon. I expect you’ll not only be out of the apartment so I don’t have to see your dirty mug, but that it will be clean and all my stuff will be stacked by the door. If not, I really will call somebody about this.”
I didn’t know who she’d call aside from the SPCA, but I wasn’t going to risk it. I glared back at her as a way of conceding. I didn’t want to just do as she said—obviously—and that coal of pride was starting to flame. I’d show both of them.
I started by taking the longest shower of my life, followed by the longest jerk-off session of my life. I thought of Perry’s ample ass the entire time I was beating it, and I’m happy to say I didn’t shed a single tear. Of course, in my fantasy, none of this shit ever happened.
Then came the cleaning of the apartment, which I’m not sure how I handled. No wonder they were so disgusted—I’d seen better living conditions under the Pine I-5 overpass. Finally, I started answering my phone when it rang. I got one hell of a lashing from Rebecca once I told her what had happened between Perry and me.
She wasted no time in giving me that lashing in person.
Crack.
Rebecca’s hand flew across my face the minute I opened the door. She didn’t even look, she just walked in and smack. It was almost scary, like she had some preternatural slapping ability. Maybe all Brits had that.
“You fucking wanker!” she yelled at me, throwing her purse on the kitchen counter. “You piece of shit, good for nothing, pathetic excuse for a man.”
I stroked my chin and looked her up and down. She looked like some ‘40s femme fatale with her smooth black hair, red lips, and sculpted dress. She seethed like one, too.
“You’re quite attractive when you’re indignant,” I commented.
Smack. Again. Man, she was fast.
My cheek stung as I rubbed at it. I shot her a wary glance and backed away. “Are you done now?”
“No,” she said, folding her arms and tapping her pumps. “No, I’m not done. I’m just getting started. How dare you?”
“I know,” I mumbled and dragged myself over to the couch. Fat Rabbit glared at me as I sat beside him, still mad over the neglect.
She stood where she was, which made things a little less frightening. “You slept with Perry and broke up with her right after. I can’t think of a more…selfish, cowardly thing to do. What’s wrong with you?!”
“Okay, well first of all, we weren’t going out so I didn’t break up with her.”
“Semantics, asshole. Semantics and excuses. You knew how she felt about you.”
I pointed my finger at her, suddenly defensive. “No! No, I did not. She lied to me; she told me she didn’t love me.”
“And you believed her?”
I threw my hands up. “Of course I believed her! She’s my best friend. She was. We trusted each other. I asked her if she loved me, and she said no. To my face. She lied. Why wouldn’t I have believed her?”
She let out a puff of air as her thoughts ran amok. “I don’t know. Because it was so obvious to everyone.”
“Everyone except me! Why would I think she loved me anyway? And why would I assume she lied? When Perry tells me something, I believe her. I hardly think that’s the most jackassery thing I could do.”
She lowered her chin. “She loved you, Dex.”
Another fucking blow to my motherfucking heart. I was surprised it hadn’t been pulverized to dust by now.
“Maybe she did, maybe she didn’t,” I said, not wanting to think about it. “I guess it doesn’t really matter now.”
She walked over to me, heels clicking on the floor, and elegantly sat beside me. I caught a whiff of flowers.
“Dex,” she said softly, placing her delicate hand on my shoulder until I was forced to meet her eyes. “Do you love Perry?”
The thing I could no longer ignore. There was no point in hiding it now.
“Yes,” I told her, looking her straight on, my heart banging in my chest. “I love her, more than anyone should love anything. The kind of love that either fills you up or eats away at you. I love her at my own risk. I love her…dangerously.”
We elapsed into silence for a few loaded moments before she gave my shoulder a squeeze. “I know you do.”
“Then why did you ask?”
“Because I wanted you to say it. It’s not real until you do.”
“Also,” I went on, ignoring her, “if you knew she loved me, and I loved her, why didn’t you say something to us?”
She shook her head, not willing to take the blame. “It wasn’t my part. This isn’t high school. You’re adults. If you’re meant to come together it will be through your actions, not someone else’s.”
“Oh, how philosophical.”
“It’s the truth. And it’s not over yet between you two.”
“Right.” I laughed sharply. “Every email I send, every phone call I make, goes unanswered. She doesn’t even have her voicemail anymore. She probably changed her number. She’s cut me off and cut me off forever.”
“Maybe for now,” she said. “And maybe she needs to. But forever is more fickle than you think.”
Forget fickle, forever was a bitch.