Somehow, Gary was able to ask, without even looking at the doctor’s face, how long Sarah would be staying in the hospice. It sounded, even to him, as if he was asking how many nights she’d been booked at a hotel.
“It’s always hard to predict these things, but I’d say three, four days, at the outside. The hospice time is chiefly used to treat the pain and afford the patient a chance to say good-bye to loved ones.” The doctor put a consoling hand on Gary’s shoulder as the TV segued into a blaring car commercial. “It’s been a long road,” he said, “and I can’t tell you how sorry I am that we have wound up here. But I think you’ll be surprised. This stage of the journey can really be a very peaceful and healing one.”
Gary could do without the New Age spin.
Giving his shoulder a gentle squeeze before continuing on his rounds, Dr. Ross said, “I’ve left word at the nurses’ station. Once you’ve talked to Sarah, they can take care of everything.”
Gary remained on the sofa. The TV anchors were reporting a multicar collision on the Dan Ryan Expressway. His hand mechanically fished his cell phone out of his pocket and he hit the speed dial for David. There was no excuse for delaying any longer; David would have to know what was up and get back to Chicago on the double. Standing up, Gary moved to the far corner of the room, where the TV couldn’t be heard. As he waited for the phone to connect, he stared out the window at a view of a frozen parking lot. A guy was madly scraping the ice from his windshield. His call went straight into voice mail, and for a second Gary wasn’t sure how to say what he had to say. Finally, he just told him that even though they were doing everything possible to keep Sarah pain-free, the situation looked very bad. “If you want to say good-bye, you’re going to have to come back. Fast.” Then, for good measure, he called the last hotel that David had reported in from—someplace called the Crillon in Paris—and left pretty much the same message on the automated service there.
Returning the phone to his pocket, he went back through the double doors into the ICU. This was one trip he wouldn’t miss. Everywhere you looked, through parted curtains, you saw people in terrible trouble; every sound you heard was either a suction tube, a beeping monitor, or a visitor softly murmuring hollow words of encouragement.
Sarah’s head was turned toward him as he came in, and he realized that he had forgotten to consciously compose his features, as he always tried to do, into a more upbeat expression. But what would that even look like now? he wondered. How did you put a good face on this?
As he drew the plastic chair to her bedside and closed his hand over hers—God, her skin was cold—Sarah said in barely a whisper, “You talked to Dr. Ross?” and he nodded. Her eyes, once as bright and brown as buttons, were sunken into the hollows of her face, and her eyebrows and lashes, as well as her lush brown hair, were long since gone. She reminded him, disconcertingly, of the Visible Woman model he’d had when he was a kid. She was so wasted away she was almost transparent.
“Good.” She closed her eyes, took a shallow breath, then said, “I could use a change of scene.”
Gary wondered if he would have been brave enough to be making a joke—any kind of joke—if he were the one lying in that cranked-up bed, with the IV lines running in and out of his arms.
“I hear it’s nice over there,” she said. “And I don’t want this to be the last place Emme ever sees me.”
“Then I’ll tell the nurses we’ve agreed, and we’ll get you moved.”
Her head nodded almost imperceptibly on the pillow. At least that was settled.
“How’s Emme holding up? Yesterday was awfully hard on her.”
“Mom’s keeping her busy. I think they went to a movie today. With Amanda.”
Sarah nodded again. “As soon as I’m settled into the hospice, bring her over there. I hate having her see me like this, but I also don’t want to just disappear into thin air, the way that they made my own mother disappear.”
Gary knew that the loss of her mom had haunted her all her days. How could it not? Sarah had always felt that she had been kept in the dark for too long, and that, in a well-meaning attempt to shield her from some of the trauma, the medical establishment had wound up leaving her with a more unhealable wound.
“And besides,” Sarah said, “I’m selfish.”
“You’re about the least selfish person on the planet.”
“I want every second with her that I’ve got left.” She looked as if she might cry, but her body seemed incapable of generating a tear. Every ounce of energy she had in her was being mustered in the fight for survival.
There was only one big question still hanging in the air, and Sarah finally asked, “Have you talked to David?”
Gary told her that he’d left him a couple of messages and expected to hear back any minute.
“Where is he now?”
“France.”
“France,” she said, with a wistful smile. “I’m glad one of us got there.”
“He’ll be home as fast as he can get here.”
“Good. Good. But the longer it takes, the better.”