“It’s not you,” she said. “I’m not angry with you.”
“That’s good to hear,” I said. “Although since you just called me ignorant and stupid, you can understand why I wonder if you’re telling me the truth about that.”
Jane reached out a hand to me. “Come here,” she said. I walked over to the table. She put my hand on it.
“I want you to do something for me,” she said. “I want you to hit the table as hard as you can.”
“Why?” I asked.
“Please,” Jane said. “Just do it.”
The table was standard carbon fiber with the veneer of printed wood: cheap, durable and not easily breakable. I made my hand into a fist and brought it down hard on the table. It made a muffled thump, and my forearm ached a bit from the impact. The table rattled a bit but was otherwise fine. From the bed, Babar looked over to see what idiocy I was up to.
“Ow,” I said.
“I’m about as strong as you,” Jane said, tonelessly.
“I suppose,” I said. I stepped away from the table, rubbing my arm. “You’re in better shape than me, though. You might be a bit stronger.”
“Yeah,” Jane said, and from her sitting position hammered her hand down on the table. The table broke with a report like a rifle shot. Half the tabletop sheared off and spun across the room, putting a divot in the door. Babar whined and backed himself up on the bed.
I gaped at my wife, who stared impassively at what remained of the table.
“That son of a bitch Szilard,” she said, invoking the name of the head of the Special Forces. “He knew what they had planned for us. Stross is one of his people. So he had to know. He knew what we would be up against. And he decided to give me a Special Forces body, whether I wanted one or not.”
“How?” I asked.
“We had lunch,” Jane said. “He must have put them in my food.” Colonial Defense Forces bodies were upgradable—to an extent—and the upgrades were often accomplished with injections or infusions of nanobots that would repair and improve tissues. The CDF didn’t use nanobots to repair normal human bodies, but there was no technical bar to doing it—or using the nanobots to make body changes. “It had to have been a tiny amount. Just enough to get them in me, where more could grow.”
A light clicked on my head. “You had a fever.”
Jane nodded, still not looking at me. “The fever. And I was hungry and dehydrated the entire time.”
“When did you notice this?” I asked.
“Yesterday,” Jane said. “I kept bending and breaking things. I gave Zo? a hug and I had to stop because she complained I was hurting her. I tapped Savitri on the shoulder and she wanted to know why I hit her. I felt clumsy all day. And then I saw Stross,” Jane almost spat the name, “and I realized what it was. I wasn’t clumsy, I was changed. Changed back to what I was. I didn’t tell you, because I didn’t think it mattered. But since then it’s been in my head. I can’t get it out of there. I’m changed.”
Jane looked up at me, finally. Her eyes were wet. “I don’t want this,” she said, fiercely. “I left it when I chose a life with Zo? and with you. It was my choice to leave it, and it hurt to leave it. To leave everyone I knew behind.” She tapped the side of her head to signify the BrainPal she no longer carried. “To leave their voices behind after having them with me. To be alone like that for the first time. It hurt to learn the limits of these bodies, to learn all the things I couldn’t do anymore. I but chose it. Accepted it. Tried to see the beauty of it. And for the first time in my life I knew my life was more than what was directly in front of me. I learned to see the constellations, not just the stars. My life is your life and Zo?’s life. All of our lives. All of it. It made it worth everything I left.”
I went to Jane and held her. “It’s all right,” I said.
“No, it’s not,” Jane said. She gave a small, bitter laugh. “I know what Szilard was thinking, you know. He thought he was helping me—helping us— by making me more than human. He just doesn’t know what I know. When you make someone more than human, you make them less than human, too. I’ve spent all this time learning to be human. And he takes it away without a second thought.”
“You’re still you,” I said. “That doesn’t change.”
“I hope you’re right,” Jane said. “I hope that it’s enough.”
SIX
“This planet smells like an armpit,” Savitri said.
“Nice,” I said. I was still putting on my boots when Savitri had walked up. I finally yanked them on and stood.
“Tell me I’m wrong,” Savitri said. Babar roused himself and walked over to Savitri, who gave him a pat.