The Apocalypse

Chapter 30

Neil

Illinois River



Neil floated down the river in something of a dream. It started with a woman. Blonde with strange blue eyes. They weren't the blue eyes of a stereotypical Barbie doll, cheerleader. Instead they were the color of soft denim and they were the kind of eyes that had you curious, so that you wanted to investigate or puzzle them out, which meant staring, only you knew that staring would be impolite, so you looked hard and searching when you could, in those brief moments when decorum allowed.

Decorum being fickle, Neil decided to abuse the word.

“So Sarah, you were a pharmacy rep?” he asked. He had asked a number of questions already but unfortunately her replies were terse and her mind was somewhere else.

“She already told you that,” Sadie mentioned. The girl was floating lazily on her back, kicking only enough to keep her chin above water. “Anyone know where this river goes? I don't want to end up in Mexico or Montana or any such dreadful place.”

This was an opportunity and Neil turned to Sarah and stared some more. “Yes?” she asked at his look. “Oh, the river, right.” She pursed her lips and looked down stream, considering. “I think this sort of comes together with some others and goes on to St Louis, but I'm not sure. Here wait a moment.”

She began to swim to the eastern edge of the river where the land was flat and unbelievably she climbed up on the bank to take in the view. Neil did the same. Over a clinging sundress she wore a white blouse and had nothing on beneath. Decorum be damned, he stared unabashedly and then had to adjust himself, his pants also clung and now there was simply no room.

“Your eyes are popping out. What's that about?” Sadie asked in a whisper. “You see something strange?”

“Not at all, I'm just interested in what she's looking at. It could be important.”

“Really? But she's looking way over there and you're looking closer to right at her. I'm just saying.”

“I'm also keeping an eye on her,” Neil replied, kicking closer to the shore so that his feet could touch. He wasn't a strong swimmer or even an average swimmer, but the backpack helped. He used it as a flotation device. “I wouldn't want any zombies sneaking up on her.”

“Mighty brave of you,” Sadie commented with a sly smile and eyes that seemed to know too much. “Maybe you should go up there instead. Get closer so you can see better. See the monsters I mean.”

That wasn't going to happen. With the water and the jutting nipples and the…everything, Neil was sporting an erection that could've been spotted from outer space. “No, I can see just fine from here. Why don't you go swim somewhere else. You're being a pain.”

“I would but…look at that. She's waving us over. Come on.” Sadie started to pull at Neil's sleeve.

“I'll be right there,” he whispered, and then louder he called out, “I've lost my shoe. I'll be right up.”

Sarah walked down to them, stopping just at the water's edge, and of course she slung the rifle so that the strap went between her breasts, accenting them even more. “There's a farm not too far away. Get your shoe and come on.”

“Yeah, get your shoe, Neil,” Sadie said impishly.

“I'm working on it,” he groused, reaching down and pretending to search. “You two go on without me. I'll catch up. It's got to be here somewhere.”

Though Sadie was chuckling at how foolish Neil was being, Sarah barely noticed. She peered in all directions, her face set. After a minute she looked down at Neil and was surprised to see that he hadn't budged. “Do you need some help?”

“I'm ok, I think,” Neil replied, slogging forward, nearly losing one of his shoes for real. He had stood in one place for so long that the river mud had a good suction going on both of his feet and when he pulled his right foot up he could feel his loafer wanting to remain behind.

“Do you want me to take the backpack?” Sadie asked, being her best to be a pain as he came out of the water. He was currently holding it in front of himself like a shield. “You've been carrying it all this time.”

He gave her a quick glance and said, “I'm good, now let's get onto this farm, I'm practically freezing.”


Sadie snorted laughter and whispered, “Yeah you're almost frozen stiff. What?” she asked at his glare. “I'm just playing. Besides, I don't think any of our conversations are being picked up by outside sources.” When she said this she raised her eyebrows to Sarah.

The girl was probably right. Sarah was there, walking along, yet at the same time she wasn't. Her eyes saw nothing and her mind seemed detached from the world around them. A wind blew out in the open, which had Sadie shivering and Neil clutching himself, but Sarah made no move to wrap her arms around herself or to even wring out her hair or her clothes. She simply walked bare foot through the once farm fields, as though in a dawning trance.

“How about I take the gun, Sarah,” Neil suggested. The walk, and the cold, and his concern for her had dampened his erection and now he swung the pack onto his back. Before he could snug it into place she had rounded on him and now the black muzzle pointed straight into his face.

“Hell no!” she snarled. “The gun is mine.”

Neil had his hands up next to his chest instead of up in the air. He shook his head back and forth on a quick little arc, saying, “Of course. I wouldn't think to take it.”

“Good,” she said. “Now back off.” For some reason when she said this, she pushed the barrel at him forcing him to take two large steps backwards. As he did he saw Sadie eyeing the older woman, judging the distance between them, looking for an opening. Her eyes had lost their easy humor and were now calculating.

“It's ok,” Neil said, calmly, putting a hand up to both women. “I wasn't trying to steal it. I was just going to go, you know, inspect the house for zombies.”

With a curled lip of distaste, Sarah gave him a look up and down, and then said, “I'd better do it.”

She put the gun to her shoulder and slipped through a row of tall conifers and then stalked carefully up to the little ranch style house. Neil and Sadie hung back. Without weapons they were nearly useless, or rather Neil was. Sadie had been watching their backs and now she saw a line of dust advancing in a straight line toward them.

“There's a car coming,” she said urgently. “It could be some of those guys from the Island.”

“Quick,” Neil said and reached out to take her hand, but Sadie blazed past him, leaving him to huff up to the house.

“Sarah! There's some people coming,” she cried in a low voice. “Maybe soldiers…but not good ones. If they're from the Island, they can't catch me here.”

A face appeared at the kitchen window. It was Sarah, but a Sarah that was altogether pale and shaking. In a second she was out the door and the two women were booking for the river with Neil left to straggle behind with the pack swinging this way and that on his back, making him go even slower than he normally would.

He only just made it down the steep slope that cut away to the water, when the car could be heard crunching gravel as it pulled up. The vehicle held three men—all were armed with black rifles. Now Neil was nervous for the two women and scared for himself, while it was clear that Sadie was frightened near to a panic. Sarah, on the other hand looked ready to kill.

Even as he watched she thumbed the safety on the rifle to fire.

“Don't do it, Sarah,” he whispered. “There are too many of them and Sadie and I are unarmed.”

She didn't respond; she only tracked the men until they went into the house. They were in it for less than a minute and then they were jogging to the barn, making sure to keep distance between them. Again they did a quick inspection before walking back to their vehicle.

When they were safely on their way, Sarah eyed her traveling partners. “You two were at the Island?” she asked in evident disbelief. “You're no soldier,” she said to Neil, and to Sadie she remarked, “And you're just a girl.”

Sadie riled at what she took for contempt. “Neil is better than any of those idiots! And if you want to call me 'just a girl' again, try doing it without a gun in your hands, bitch.”

Sarah shook her head wearily. “That's not what I meant. I didn't mean to put you down. The truth is that I just came from the Island and I know that all the soldiers are men and all the women are…are…they're older and not at all like you.” When Sadie's eyes flared again, Sarah added, “They're all cowards. They're all gutless chickens and I was one of them, and maybe I was the worst of them.”

Just as quick as Sadie's anger flared, it was gone again. Being called brave did that for a person. Neil didn't have the warm compliment to sooth his anger. Instead it was just implied that he wasn't quite a man. “I'm cold,” he said. Without looking at either of the two women he trudged across the still green lawn of the farmhouse and went inside.

The place had been home to an older couple, and the decorations and the furnishing reflected just that: everything was antique and not in a good way. Neil went first to the refrigerator, perhaps out of habit. The smell was atrocious and he quickly shut it. He then went through the cabinets.

“Anything?” Sadie asked hopefully.

“Just this.” Neil plunked down a nearly full bottle of rum, which featured a grinning pirate on its label. He unscrewed the top and gave it a sniff, which had him coughing gently. Sadie wanted to give it a smell too, and her eyes went wide when she did.

“Three glasses barkeep,” she said and slapped her hand down on the mustard colored countertop. “I'm buying!”

“I don't think so,” Neil said, pulling the bottle back before Sadie could have a chance to chug from its lip. “You're way too young.” He pulled it too far back and Sarah, who had come around the counter, snatched it from him.

She also sniffed at the amber liquid, and before taking a long pull, she asked, “Are you two father and daughter?” Sadie laughed at that while Sarah screwed up her face over the bite of the rum.

“Naw,” the girl said. “I don't really even know my dad and now he's probably dead. Neil is my apocalypse dad. Pass the bottle.” Sarah took a mug and filled it half way before handing over the bottle to Sadie—despite Neil's protestations. “So were you two neighbors or something? You act like you've known each other for a long time.”

Thankfully Sadie was coughing after just having taken a swig from the bottle and couldn't answer the question. Neil didn't want to go into how they had met, because he knew it would make him look even more like a wimp than usual. “We just met on the road. I'd say slow down on the rum, the both of you, but you won't listen to me so, whatever.”

In a wrath he stalked away and went to the back on the ranch house where the bedrooms were and then sighed. The farmer had been a big man and though there was plenty of dry clothing to choose from, nothing fit. Yet since he was freezing in his wet clothes he changed into a pair of white long johns, an old, green, John Deere T-shirt and a ridiculous pair of overalls.

He felt like a little boy who was playing dress up with his father's wardrobe. And he also felt a headache coming on. The two women would poke fun of him. It was a given and it would be mean, and what could he do but take it?

There was one thing he could do; he locked the door and sat on the farmer's bed. He could hear the two women going through the house and it became clear that Sarah was drinking herself into a stupor. She grew louder and more clumsy, banging into things. And they began to laugh at anything and everything. Neil didn't need that


After a while, Sadie asked through the door. “You ok in there?”

“Yep, just trying some clothes on and looking for…supplies.” Someone had gone through the room already, every drawer had been pulled open and ransacked. With a sigh, he poked around if only to kill time and discovered only two things that had been overlooked: a secret stash of old man porn—three Victoria Secrets advertisements and a Playboy from 1986—-and a stockpile of Jolly Ranchers.

He kept his hands well away from the porn, and filled one of his overall pockets with the candy. Next he went into the master bathroom and in the medicine cabinet he found a new bar of soap and in a little cubby next to the toilet, three rolls of paper. In the new paradigm, these were treasures that had been foolishly overlooked.

“Hey Neil?” Sadie called from outside the door. “You've been in there a long time. Are you sure you're ok?”

“I'm just fine.”

“Did I do something wrong?”

He went to the door and unlocked it, expecting to have her laugh at him and his stupid clothes. And she did too, but he laughed at her just as much. It was totally unexpected, but the Goth girl had traded out her soaking wet black attire for a flowered muumuu the size of a tent and a pair of tube socks.

After they had stopped their laughing and only breathed out little giggles they stared at each other fondly. She was glassy eyed, but not yet stumbling drunk and thus still retained a level of her perceptive abilities. “Ok what did I do?” she asked. “There's something wrong, I know it.”

“Where's Sarah?” Neil asked instead of answering.

“Passed out on the couch. She says she spent the night in a tree. That's messed up. So? What's wrong? Are you mad that I had a drink or two?”

“No, I don't care about that. It's nothing really, or rather it's everything. I guess I just miss my old life. Everything was better. Everything was easier.”

“I doubt you mean that,” Sadie said, walking past Neil to sit on the farmer's bed. “What would you be doing now if nothing had changed? Paperwork? Doing your taxes like a good little boy? Sitting home alone? Watching TV until your brain dropped out of your ears?” She laughed suddenly and fell back onto the bed. “You want to hear something funny? I bet half the zombies out there are doing more with their lives now than when they were alive.”

“Maybe that was me, I don't know,” he said and went to sit down next to her and thought of the untold number of nights he had come home alone from work. He would read, or work some more, and then in the morning he would go back to the office because that was his life.

“It was you,” she said rolling over on her side, completely unaware that she had exposed her left leg all the way to her hip. She was naked beneath the muumuu. The sight was intoxicating to his lonely brain and he glanced away. “Remember, I've been in your place. You were boring before all of this.”

“And now?” he asked turning back to her and gasping. She had rolled even more and now her buttock was showing. As casually as possible he tried to flick the muumuu to cover her again—and was unsuccessful.

“What are you doing?” she asked, quickly.

Neil's eyes and mouth came open wide and he spluttered, “You…your…back side was open…I mean it was uncovered. I was only trying to cover you up. I wasn't trying to do anything.”

Her eyes were narrow slits. “Anything? Like what? What would you do?”

“Like get frisky? Really I wasn't…”

She interrupted him, laughing herself breathless. “Frisky! You said frisky. Who the hell says fri…frisky?” She couldn't go on for many minutes and there were tears in her eyes when she finally stopped. “I know you wouldn't do anything. You're too nice of a guy.”

There it was once again. “That's me.” He stood and fished out a handful of Jolly Ranchers. “Look what I found us for lunch.”

“Maybe later,” she said with a big yawn, showing him her back teeth. “I think I'm going to take a nap. Would you mind staying in here with me?”

“I guess, but only until you fall asleep. Then I want to look around.” She was out in minutes, but since she had forced him to lie down and then settled into the pocket of his shoulder, complaining that the pillow smelled of old people, it was some time before she rolled over and freed him to go snoop about.

He did so, taking Sarah's rifle and a pair of rubber boots he found by the garage. The garage itself was another treasure trove: Fishing poles, tackle boxes, an axe, and a sledgehammer and best of all, a small two-person tent that could fit three in a pinch, especially if they snuggled. His mind blinked rapidly between Sarah in the river and Sadie on the bed.

“Maybe I'm not as nice as everyone thinks. Maybe I'm just a dirty old man,” he whispered, heading to the barn, wanting to clear his mind. There wasn't much to the red barn. Other than a hayloft, that was far too high up with only what appeared a very rickety ladder to service it, the only thing of real note was a dusty tractor and dozens of bales of long grasses that he assumed was hay or in the hay family. There really wasn't much more to the barn, save for a pitchfork, which he immediately leaned on, sticking a length of straw between his teeth.

He had just decided to show Sadie the new addition to his ridiculous outfit, which he was sure would garner another of her snort-filled laughs, when he noted that the day had turned suddenly gloomy, and there was a nip to the wind, and that there was a zombie shuffling toward the front door of the house, and that the front door stood open with only a flimsy screen door as protection to the sleeping women inside.

Lastly he noted that the zombie was well over six feet in height and was wearing an outfit similar to the one Neil had on. “Damn,” he whispered to himself. “Farmer Jones has come to get his clothes back.”

Now came the question of what to do about it. He had checked the status of the M16 when he had first picked it up—it had five rounds left. Too few to be wasting on a single zombie…but this was no ordinary zombie. It was practically a giant of its kind and the only zombie that Neil had proved himself against so far had been a skinny little child-zombie.

But what would Sarah and Sadie think if he managed to kill this fearful thing? He pictured himself tossing the huge head on the ground in front of them, while they cast adoring looks his way. He liked the idea and it bolstered the gossamer courage that flickered within him. Peaking around the corner of the barn he called out, “Yoo-hoo.”

Immediately he wanted to smack himself. What sort of zombie hunter said things like yoo-hoo? He tried again and at the upper limits of his vulgarity he yelled, “Hey turd face!” This was better—though it wasn't needed. The zombie was already hurrying across at a quick trot; much faster than Neil had expected.

Setting the gun down, Neil took up the pitchfork as a weapon and ran to hide behind a stack of hay. There he waited with a Jolly rancher in one hand and the pitchfork in the other, and when the zombie came in snuffling and grunting about, Neil threw the candy at the tractor.

His primitive plan worked like a charm, only to be ruined by the civilized planner. The zombie wandered to the tractor, turning his back on Neil long enough for the man to come up from behind and crack it over the skull with the pitchfork. He used plenty of strength…enough to render a man of that size unconscious. The problem arose in that he still considered this creature a man, not taking into account the fact that Zombies do not need an actual consciousness to kill.


Instead of falling to the ground, it spun and advanced on an utterly shocked Neil. He let out a noise that would have been more appropriate for turkey to have made and stabbed the zombie in the chest with even worse results. The beast ripped the makeshift weapon from Neil's small hands and rushed forward to kill.

He could do nothing but flee for his life losing both of his over-sized boots in the process. Now the farmer zombie was well fed and healthy for its kind and since it could not grow tired, in the end it would have run down Neil eventually. Luckily for him, there was a little feeder creek that ran along a narrow, but sharp-edged gulley, just off the first of the farmer's fields.

Neil leapt it, but the zombie went and became stuck in the mud. Upon seeing this, Neil knew what he had to do, though he wasn't happy about it. Gathering the largest rocks he could carry, he commenced to stone the zombie until the thing ceased to move.

Rain had begun during this chore and by the time Neil looked up he saw that the farmer wasn't the only zombie he would have to deal with. A few hundred yards away came another wave of the things, and so still bootless, Neil ran for the house where the locks on the doors had already been driven in long ago and the bay window sat as an enticement for some hungry undead beast.