37.
When I’m alone, I like to fantasize about what life might have been like if my family was still whole.
Would my mother have cooked fancy meals, or would I still have made my own lame baked potato?
Would Ty have helped me in school so I could get a decent job, or would I have ended up in the lame algae department?
Would I have depended on Zenn so much that I fell in love with him, or did I love him before the promise of a life together?
I didn’t know.
Dad said I had to learn to be satisfied with what I’d been given, but I didn’t know how.
Because I wanted more.
* * *
My heart doesn’t seem to be beating. I can’t get enough air.
“Jag, breathe, man.” Someone touches my back.
I look up into Pace’s face. His sharp silver eyes ease some of the tension in my lungs.
“I’m sorry, bro,” he says.
“Don’t,” I choke out.
He glances over his shoulder. Gavin stands near the door. She must’ve seen everything. And she chose not to tell me.
“Blaze . . . died . . . Zenn . . . an accident . . .” My brother’s words torment me. The fact that I won’t see Blaze again slices into my gut. Coupled with the knowledge that Zenn—my best friend and most trusted Insider for two years—was involved and I can’t stand up straight.
I square my shoulders, determined not to break down. “Okay, so what now?”
Pace clears his throat. I close my eyes against the worry in his.
“Gavin’s seen something. We need you to return to the Goodgrounds.”
“What?”
Gavin glides forward. I want to bury my face in her neck and cry. She’s always been able to put me back together when I break apart. But I’m afraid to touch her. At the same time, I want to grip the sides of her face, invade her mind, and watch how my brother died.
“I can’t tell exactly. I think it’s a person,” she says, her voice frail. “And whoever it is will tip the scale. Either for us or against us. You must find them. And soon.”
I take a deep breath, feeling it shudder through my chest. I’m about to say I can turn things over to my second-in-command when Gavin hugs me, an invitation for me to see for myself.
Red light pulses in a dark space. Tall buildings strobe to life. The glare highlights Zenn’s face every other second. His eyes are fierce, determined, terrified.
“Blaze,” he says. “You can’t. You go in there, you compromise the entire Resistance.”
“Thane won’t see me.” Blaze claps Zenn on the shoulder in his typical I-know-what-I’m-doing fashion. I long to feel him do it to me one more time.
“And what if he does? How are you going to explain the fact that the Assistant Counselor of Seaside is evacuating Insiders?”
“Don’t worry about it, Z.” Blaze actually sounds like he’s about to laugh.
Zenn doesn’t get the joke. His mouth tightens. “Stay here,” he commands.
The darkness pulses. When the world lightens, Blaze’s eyes are glazed over. He stands as still as stone.
“I’ll get the key code and meet you right here.” Zenn uses his voice. It’s powerful, controlling. Blaze merely nods.
I watch as Zenn abandons him. Leaves him there in the alley.
Sirens wail.
The red light doubles. Then triples. Dogs bark.
“Run!” I call, digging my fingernails into Gavin’s back. I vaguely hear her cry of pain. But I can’t stop now. Blaze is still in that alley. Still in danger.
And he can’t move.
Because Zenn told him to stay.
The vision fades. My hands ache from their clenched position. Anger pounds within my heart.
“Jag?” Gavin wipes my face. Her fingers come away wet. I look at them, marveling at the fact that I’m crying. I can’t decide if my agony is because Blaze died in an unknown alley in Freedom or because Zenn was the one who allowed that to happen.
Or because I sent them both there in the first place.
“He’s still your brother,” Gavin whispers. Her words and her breath cause goose bumps to erupt along my arms. I wonder who she means—Blaze or Zenn.