11.
On my fifteenth birthday, my mother plunked a plate of steamed cabbage in front of me. “Only one more year.”
I guess that meant “Happy birthday,” in cruel-mother-talk, but I didn’t understand it. So I wolfed down the “meal” and escaped to Zenn’s.
He gave me a watch. Not a piece of tech with alarms and cameras and voice recorders, but just a watch that I could wind when I needed to. He’d found it in the Abandoned Area and fixed it up. The arms were shaped like arrows and pointed to numerals plated in gold. It only told time, but his gift meant more to me than any expensive tech-thing. I must have started crying, because he wiped my cheeks and slid his hands up my sleeves and over my bare arms.
A forbidden touch.
His hands felt rough from his training in school. With his skin on mine, a thrill zinged through my body.
Then we kissed, sealing our commitment to each other. I remembered how warm his lips felt pressed against mine.
Why I was thinking of kissing Zenn while lost in the stupid forest in the City of Water, I don’t know. Maybe because of how he’d always protected me. Or maybe because he understood my need to live an uncontrolled life.
Or maybe because he loves you.
My heart leapt in my chest. In fear. Number one, because the same stupid voice was back. Number two, because I wanted to believe it. And that hurt too much.
The day Zenn left for the Special Forces, we snuck to the edge of the forest before the sun rose. Every step was painful, because each one brought us closer to good-bye.
But he didn’t say it. He crushed me in a desperate hug. I cried into his neck, staining the collar of his starchy new uniform. He cupped my face in his hands and leaned his forehead against mine.
“I’ll come back,” he whispered. “I promise we’ll be together, okay?”
I didn’t answer, because it seemed like he was trying to convince himself as much as me. He kissed away my tears and repeated himself. I thought he’d tell me he loved me. He didn’t. But it was etched in the lines of his face. I felt it in his touch.
I turned around and headed back to the Special Forces compound. Back to Zenn. But every step felt wrong. The voice hissed that it was right, and I stopped.
“Shut up. Leave me alone.” My words sounded so loud in the empty forest. “I’m making my own decisions now.”
I stood there, breathing in and out, in and out. I closed my eyes and filled my thoughts with Zenn. His angular jaw. His warm hands. His mischievous smile.
His image was replaced by Jag and then my dad.
And I knew.
My dad was waiting for me in the Badlands. I could feel it the same way I’d once felt Zenn’s skin against mine.
And Jag was, well, as close to free as I’d ever felt. I wanted to feel that way all the time, and that meant leaving the Goodgrounds.
I pivoted and ran back the way I’d come. Next week my sixteenth birthday would be in the Badlands. Possibly alone, but hopefully free.
I am going to the Badlands, I told the world, the Thinkers, anyone who was listening. Then I imagined what birthdays might be like in the Badlands. How people could make their own choices. I thought of Seaside and how I could finally be free.
Lost in thought, I stumbled and fell. Pain engulfed my knee, matching the strumming loneliness in my heart. The sun would rise soon anyway, so I curled into a ball and tried to push away the agonizing memories of my life before Zenn had been chosen for the Forces.
Sometime later, my stomach woke me. I filled my water bottle and emptied some protein granules into it, leaving just three more packets. But nothing could fill the hole inside—the one Zenn used to fill. Or the one Jag had created when he left.
A bird called, shattering the still evening air. I inhaled deeply, enjoying the crispness of the forest, the thrill of being in a forbidden place. I wondered if Jag was coming back or if he’d leave me to cross the border by myself.
Pushing him from my mind, I packed my stuff and stretched. My whole body ached from sleeping on the hard ground. The eight hours I’d spent walking, running, or sneaking every night didn’t help.
I reopened my pack and dug through the first aid kit. I stuck the pain stick in my mouth. It tasted awful—bitter and chalky, though Ty had said this was a side effect because of my sensitivity to tech. But I sucked the meds for the full ten seconds. By the time I’d applied more ointment to my cut and had my bag repacked, the aches were receding.
I approached the Abandoned Area as the rising sun painted the sky gold and pink. I hurried down the hill and crawled into a decrepit mansion before the first rays of dawn peeked over the mountains.
The air inside the house smelled musty. I climbed into the attic and looked out the window toward the Badlands, half-expecting to see Jag striding forward to help me. I finally gave in and admitted that I missed him.
The earth appeared red and brown in the shadows but shone golden in the sunlight. No green fields, no major sources of water, the buildings old and broken down. Beyond that, a glimmer of sun bouncing off glass marked the real edge of the Badlands. No one lived in the settlement closest to the Goodgrounds. They don’t want our transmissions infiltrating their minds.
I shivered, but for the first time it wasn’t from fear of the Badlands. No, just thinking about what someone must be like to be a Thinker unsettled me. The blazing, controlling eyes of the middle Greenie flashed in my memory.
Yeah, Thinkers are not my cup of tea. At least I have that in common with the Baddies.
* * *
A guard tower on the edge of the Abandoned Area barred the way between the Badlands and the Goodgrounds. I had no ID card, and the tag would scream Fugitive! if I got too close to a scanner.
So, chicken that I am, I stayed in the mansion another day, brooding about Jag.
Did I really only like him because he’s bad? No way I believed that. I spent most of the afternoon staring at the Badlands, thinking about him, his tortuous nightmares, and what it meant to be bad.
“It doesn’t matter,” I said out loud to the house.
It was so low-class, it didn’t answer back. Thankfully, neither did the voice, which surely would’ve argued that it did matter.
The next night I prepared myself mentally to leave. Never to come back. Never to see my sweet Zenn again. Never be a Goodie again. If I ever had kids, they’d be bad. I almost turned around right then, prison or not.
The guards faced north into the Badlands, but the only road leading west ran right behind the station. I slipped behind it, only a few yards from the boundary. This was the closest I’d ever been to the Badlands, and my heartbeat strummed in my ears.
Just when I thought I was in the clear, an alarm sounded. The door banged open, making the beeping louder. I sprinted down the road and into the western ruins of the Aban-doned Area. The buildings crowded close to the cliffs on this side of the old city, but I didn’t want to hide. I had to leave, now.
Directly in front of me, the ground sloped almost straight down into a dry riverbed with a nearly vertical climb up the other side. If only I could jump ten yards, I could leap over the chasm. Yeah, I don’t have any superpowers.
I also had no idea how to get down this ridiculously steep hill without breaking my neck. I started on my feet, which I found is not the right way to start. After one step, I landed hard on my butt. A landslide of rocks and dirt accompanied me down the slope. The noise added to the panic already swirling inside. My heart pounded Get-up, get-up, get-up.
I didn’t wait for the red flashes of iris recognizers or the buzzing pack of hovercopters. I heaved myself up and climbed the other side of the hill. Rocks and dirt and dust showered to the ground behind me. My fingers bled and sweat dripped down my face. But I made it to the top.
I’d made it across the border.
I ran until I collapsed in my I’m-invisible-and-you-can’t-find-me state, repeating the words as I tried to catch my breath. My muscles refused to move. I must have fallen asleep, because the next thing I knew, something licked my face.