Chapter 13
The Fire Inside
Rae lounged on the couch, eyes on Devon, while he worked at the laptop on his desk. They had spent the early part of the evening talking about her father and his legacy—how every tatù individual knew of him and that so many still feared him— how the Privy Council had been scrambling for the last ten years or more to hunt down any of his co-conspirators, and the importance of locating and securing his mind-control machine. Rae couldn’t believe people actually wanted to carry on his work to create chaos and disorder in their world. Would it ever stop feeling like her father’s actions were her responsibility?
Right now, she wanted to forget about the weight on her shoulders and just feel like a typical teenager.
Yesterday’s conversation with Desiree played back in her mind. What might happen if I tried Desiree’s tatù on Devon? Nervous, she played with the inner strings of her tatùs. I don’t even know if it will work.
Madly typing away, Devon’s fingers froze. Embarrassed, Rae knew she had just hit him with the tatù.
Staring at his idle fingers, she squinted and tried to clear her thoughts. I need to erase what I just did. She inhaled deeply. What had Desiree said? You can’t force the feelings. She let her eyes travel up Devon’s body to his face. He has the same desires as me. He’s wrestling with the same urges to be close. She swallowed. I wonder if Desiree’s ever tried this on herself and someone? She said other people’s emotions are off the charts but what about her own on someone she likes? Amazed, she could picture what Devon felt and how strong his longings were. He had thought about the two of them together a lot.
It made her skin tingle. A trembling she had never felt before started deep in her belly. She swallowed, letting her gaze drift upwards. Once their gazes met, they couldn’t look away from each other. She couldn’t stop her train of thought, wondering what it would feel like to have his hands on her and his mouth on hers for more than just stolen kisses.
Devon pressed his lips together. Rae was fully aware of his thoughts. How her lips would feel brushing against his, her warm breath on his neck. She saw the passion build in his eyes.
He stood and walked over to where Rae sat. Slowly, he knelt down between her knees, his eyes never leaving her face. His palms rested on the tops her thighs, sliding slowly upwards.
Rae felt the warmth of his hands through the material of her skirt. The new burning sensation deep in her abdomen spread to her legs and grew even stronger. It was so intense, she forgot how to talk.
They stared intently at each other, neither moving.
This has got to be love. “How could anyone think us being together could be wrong?” Rae sensed Devon’s thoughts as she spoke softly. Any shred of duty or responsibility flew out the window for him.
He slid his hands up to her waist. She watched his face and knew the heat from her body through her thin blouse drove him deeper into the pit of desire. Desiree’s tatù was amazing at showing what they were afraid to admit to each other. Both of them were defenseless.
She leaned forward as Devon drew towards her. She closed her eyes as Devon’s warm breath tickled her throat and face, sending her senses reeling. It felt like he was already caressing her with kisses and their lips hadn’t even touched. She licked her lips in anticipation, knowing this kiss would be different from any they had shared previously.
Their mouths touched and the warm sensations from before erupted into an inferno inside Rae. Her fingers went straight into Devon’s hair with a need to pull him closer. She had never felt this fire before and instinct told her only Devon would be able to smolder the flames.
Devon pushed himself off the floor to the couch and gently pushed Rae down, leaning into her but applying no weight. Neither could seem to get close enough. He unbuttoned part of Rae’s blouse, the thin material proving to be a thicker barrier than they wanted. She wondered what it would feel like to have her skin against his.
Her hands drifted from his hair to feel the hard muscles on his chest. She caressed the taunt abdominal muscles on his stomach, enjoying the sensations as he quivered. His reaction to her touch made her feel powerful.
Devon groaned as her fingers grazed along his rib cage. Involuntarily, her fingers curled, her nails scraping against his shirt. He pulled his lips away from Rae’s, tracing his hot tongue against her neck and collarbone.
In the blink of an eye, something changed in Devon’s passion. His head hovered close to her neck but he didn’t touch her. Hot breath turned to cool air when Devon moved slightly away from Rae.
“What little resistance I’ve left is going to disappear if you keep doing that.”
“Wha—?” Rae cried softly, her fingers grabbing the belt loops of his jeans to pull him back tight against her. But it was too late. Cool air had allowed reality to crash the party.
Devon grabbed a hold of her hands with one of his and held them tight. Bringing them to his mouth, he kissed them lightly with his soft lips. “Sweetie, this is going to lead somewhere further than I think either of us is prepared to go.” He tucked a stray strand of hair behind her ear, caressing her jawline. “I don’t know what’s going on tonight, but it feels different.”
Frustrated, Rae sighed and pulled herself up to rest on her elbows. “What’s wrong with messing around a little?”
“Nothing. However, something weird’s going on inside of me tonight–like the volume’s just gone full blast on my feelings for you.”
Do I tell him about Desiree’s tatù? “I don’t think anything’s wrong. We really like each other.” A twinge of guilt swept her.
He smiled. “Is that your head or your body talking?” His kind eyes melted her frustration.
“My heart.”
Devon sighed and picked Rae up to cradle her in his lap. Kissing her gently on the forehead, his mouth traveled to her nose and lingered on her lips. His voice was gentle but mature. “Let’s not rush things. I—I think if something’s this good, it’s worth taking it slowly.”
Her face grew hot, and this time not from their closeness. She pulled her hands out of his and began picking away at the pink nail polish. Her words rushed out, “I’ve got a bit of a confession to make. I kinda tried Desiree’s tatù.” She cringed, waiting for him to push her off his lap.
He gave a low, husky laugh, his chest bouncing against her. “That’s some tatù! You’d better not try it on anyone else.” He touched the tip of her nose with a light tap of his finger.
A moment later, he set her down on the vacant spot beside him, then stood and began pacing. “That tatù’s dangerous…What if we had slipped up?” He raked his fingers through his hair. “Y-You’re not even seventeen yet! I mean—what if things got really out of hand?” He mumbled quietly but Rae easily caught his words, “I know I’m not ready to become a father.”
Whoa! Who’s talking about having babies? She just wanted a little action. “I wasn’t—I had no inten—”
Devon continued as if he hadn’t heard her. “Nor am I ready to deal with the Council finding out. Think of the hatred we’d be treated with. I spent my life being taught about why tatùs shouldn’t be together. The dangers for us or—a child? As much as I loathe my thoughts, I can’t help but be paranoid that what we’re doing is selfish.”
“Loathe?” What a stupid word. So British. She hated how he always hid behind the wall of responsibility. She frowned, suddenly itching for a fight. “Are you scared of me, Devon?” She had heard everything he said and she had a problem with almost every word.
“Of course not.” He blinked and pulled his head back.
“You do realize I’m a result of that selfishness you speak of?” She couldn’t keep the bitterness out of her voice. What a way to ruin an evening. Her hands moved demonstratively as she spoke. “I’m the result of your worst fears! Yet, you say you’re not afraid of me?” Maybe it had all been Desiree’s tatù, not our real feelings. How can he possibly desire someone he fears? “Do you believe I’m evil?”
“You’re jokin’ right? You can’t be serious.” Devon’s brows rose. When Rae didn’t move or answer, he threw his hands up. “You know I don’t think you’re evil! You have your father’s tatù, but also your mother’s goodness and love.” He rubbed his temple. “This is totally going off topic.”
Rae pulled herself off the couch and stood rigid in front of him, arms crossed. There were things she suddenly wanted to know Devon’s thoughts on. “This is not at all off topic! Do you think children are born evil? Or do you think evil is a result of one’s environment, or something else?”
He jerked his hand through his hair again. “I can’t believe we are having this conversation.”
“Answer the question, Devon!”
“I don’t know.” He paused, as if to collect his thoughts. “I don’t think children are born evil. Maybe there’s a gene which predisposes them to want to do wrong.” He sighed. “I think if that’s true, then their environment would be what would bring out their wickedness or keep it tucked away.”
“So, logically, if one day we got married, and decided to have children, our child would most likely be good--look at you and me! Even if there’s a hint of my father’s genes, he or she could still be a normal, happy person.” Hadn’t she spent most of last year terrified she was suddenly going to turn into her father? To simply wake up one day and have morphed into a monster overnight? What a ridiculous fear! I can’t believe I have wasted so much time being afraid of something so stupid.
“That’s not—I don’t—how is this even a subject for us to discuss?” Devon stuttered, unable to finish a thought intelligently. It was a side of him Rae had never seen, and it scared her. Devon was always composed, always able, always in control. To see him at a loss, out of control, it was terrifying, and only served to jack up her tension and insecurity.
“So if you don’t think I’m evil, there must be some other problem. Are you ashamed of me? Because I’m Simon Kerrigan’s spawn? Is that it?” Anger and a sinking sense of loss and betrayal warred for dominance in Rae’s heart. The previous year, Devon had been the first to tell her about her father’s terrible legacy, but he had also been the first to see her as herself, rather than Simon Kerrigan’s daughter. Or so she has thought. Now, she wasn’t sure what to think. Tears coursed down her cheeks.
“Slow down!” Devon’s eyes grew big. He reached for one of her folded arms and grabbed her hand to hold it tight. “This is so frustrating!” He pulled her close, letting her cry, rubbing her back and begging her to calm down. Bit by bit, it worked. After a time, he hugged her a moment and then held her slightly away, his hands resting on her shoulders. “Not you, you’re not frustrating. Everything else is. You’re this awesome, amazing girl! You could have any guy, and yet you pick me.”
Why wouldn’t she? Wasn’t it the other way around? Why did Devon like her?
“I’m the luckiest guy! I don’t want to screw this up. I—I just can’t shake a lifetime of teaching to satisfy my physical desires.”
Teaching? Seems more like societal superstition to me.
He twirled a piece of her hair between his fingers and stared absently past her. “You haven’t had it ingrained since you began school. It’s like trying to learn that fire doesn’t burn you. It’s almost instinctual to think that it’s wrong.”
If he thinks we’re so wrong together, how could this ever be right? “Are you trying to re-start the fight?” Are you saying I’m ignorant now ‘cause I haven’t been taught? Tears rushed to her eyes again but she refused to let any of them fall.
“No, I’m not.” He stepped back and sat on the desk, his fist pounded the top of it. “I don’t even know where this freakin’ argument came from and I never want to see you cry again.” A long, exasperated breath escaped his lips.
Rae didn’t understand his frustration. Her point was sound. So what if I still hang onto the childhood fantasies that love can conquer all? If he wants to take things slow, fine with me. But does he have to keep saying that us being together is wrong? She had always believed that he would eventually be alright with everything, and get tired of living in secret. She had never considered what would happen after that, but she had never doubted that it would, eventually, happen. Now, she wasn’t so sure. It felt like he was blindsiding her with this, but she realized that the reality was that these feelings had been inside him all this time, but he had kept it from her. It seemed clear, no matter how much she wanted it not to be true, that these opinions of his were real and long-standing. Unless the Anna-chick has something to do with it. She clenched her jaw, forcing her thoughts to stay just that – thoughts. Letting her doubts and insecurities out into the open would only give them more power, and she knew instinctively that it would ruin any chance she and Devon had at happiness. She thought back to the previous year, when Devon had still been dating his “normal” ex-girlfriend from Roe Hampton. Devon had broken off the relationship. They had never discussed it, but Rae suspected he had done so after realizing his feelings for her. They had not started dating until the end of the year, before she left for the summer, but it showed that Devon couldn’t fight his feelings for her forever. Maybe the same could be said for this situation.
Maybe he just needs time to see it for himself. Fighting wouldn’t solve anything. She needed to show him that they belonged together. She walked over and gave him a short tentative hug. “Truce?” For now.
He stroked her hair. “We’ll get this sorted, both of us, together.” He kissed the top of her head.
She forced a smile and looked up at him. “Then, I’d better get going back to my dorm. Madame Elpis’ll be starting her bedroom checks.”
“Go, before we get caught,” he said but made no effort to push her away.
“Alrighty, I’m going.” She sighed and kissed him once more before she reluctantly pulled away. Heading towards the door, she licked her lips to taste him one last time. In the hallway, she turned to wave at him before disappearing down the stairwell. Something had changed tonight and she knew things were going to be different between them.
She raced back to Aumbry House, making no sound as she came in the door. No one was around. The halls were quiet. Alone on the antique marble stairs, she let her tears of frustration fall. How would things turn out, if they were two teenagers without tatùs, without the world of responsibility resting on their shoulders? She wished their lives were that simple.