Or, says Ben Shipman, you could just save some time and tell the newspapers yourself.
He issues a statement. Under the terms of the agreement, Lois will keep their home, and he will be compelled to invest in two life trusts for her and their daughter. Ending his marriage, Ben Shipman estimates, will cost him more than $200,000.
It’ll be worth it, he replies.
Ben Shipman elects not to comment.
He tells the newspapers that it is ‘just one of those things’. He tells the newspapers that he and Lois ‘got on each other’s nerves’. When he sees his own statements in black and white, he marvels at the blankness of them, their poverty of meaning, yet still they are printed.
We’re separating because I’m sleeping with other women.
We’re separating because I cannot hold my wife and permit her to speak of her grief.
We’re separating because we consigned a child to the flames.
110
He and Babe make Their First Mistake.
They make Towed in a Hole.
They make Twice Two.
They make The Devil’s Brother.
They make Me and My Pal.
They make The Midnight Patrol.
They make Busy Bodies.
They have never been more popular. They are now the longestrunning comedy team in talking pictures.
And still Henry Ginsberg hates them.
Henry Ginsberg is convinced that he and Babe are deliberately wasting time and money, that they are slackers and spendthrifts. Henry Ginsberg spies on them, and when Henry Ginsberg is not spying on them Henry Ginsberg recruits others to spy in his stead. Henry Ginsberg drives everyone crazy. Some, like Beanie Walker, choose to leave rather than deal with Henry Ginsberg any longer, which suits Henry Ginsberg as then the studio doesn’t have to pay them a salary. And when Henry Ginsberg is not busy spying, or driving writers to quit, Henry Ginsberg is busy firing people.
Soon, the only person left on the lot will be Henry Ginsberg.
He goes to see Henry Ginsberg. A secretary in Hal Roach’s business office has given him some figures to work with, as long as he never reveals the source. The studio estimates that it will gross over a million dollars on The Devil’s Brother, and potentially even half as much again. The Devil’s Brother costs $200,000 to make. Hal Roach stands to turn a profit of anywhere between $300,000 and $600,000 on the picture.
So why, he asks Henry Ginsberg, won’t you let us make our pictures in peace?
Because you’re losing money, says Henry Ginsberg. Last year, your pictures posted a loss of – Henry Ginsberg opens a file, and finds the page he seeks – one hundred and sixty-six thousand, four hundred and forty seven dollars.
And eighty-eight cents, Henry Ginsberg adds.
– How can we be losing money if the studio is making profits like this on one picture?
– I don’t know where you got those figures, so I can’t possibly comment. But not all of your pictures make a profit. Mostly, though, I believe you’re losing us money because we pay you too much.
And this is the best he can get out of Henry Ginsberg.
He tries speaking with Hal Roach, but Hal Roach does not enjoy discussing money with actors. It makes Hal Roach feel faint.
He spends the rest of the day working on a script. As he is waiting to be picked up by his driver, Henry Ginsberg appears. From the expression on his face, he can tell that Henry Ginsberg has been stewing all afternoon. Henry Ginsberg does not like being braced by the help.
Do you know what the average annual salary is in this country? Henry Ginsberg asks.
– I do not.
– It’s fifteen hundred dollars. You made seventy times that last year, and you’re still complaining.
– I wasn’t complaining. I was asking how Babe and I could be posting a loss when we’re actually turning a profit.
His temper is rising. He curbs it. If he starts shouting at Henry Ginsberg, he may never stop.
– You’re not turning a profit. That’s what you don’t seem to understand.
– You’re right. I don’t understand.
Henry Ginsberg appears satisfied with this admission. Henry Ginsberg begins to walk away, then pauses.
One more thing, says Henry Ginsberg.
– Yes?
– I don’t think you’re so funny.
And with that, Henry Ginsberg leaves the stage.
111
MR HARDY: I never realized such a terrible condition existed in your family. You should pattern your life after mine.
(from Sons of the Desert)
Ben Shipman asks him to drop by the office for a talk.
No good can come of this, he thinks. Lately any time Ben Shipman calls, it is to have a conversation about money, but it is never the kind of conversation from which he emerges with the prospect of being richer than he was when it started.
When he arrives at Ben Shipman’s office, Ben Shipman has a blue bottle of Bromo-Seltzer sitting on the desk. Ben Shipman invites him to take a seat.
You see that bottle? says Ben Shipman.
– I do.
– You’re the reason I need that bottle. Now, tell me: just what the hell do you think you’re doing?
This is what he has been doing:
The dance with Lois is nearing its end, but still the partners cannot break. They have begun sleeping together again, but their lovemaking resembles the final burst of clarity given to the dying. For all this, these moments of intimacy have a tenderness to them that has been lacking since the death of their son. They are saying farewell, but the acknowledgement of it causes them to err and mistake a conclusion for a new beginning, or the possibility of one. He and Lois embark on a motoring holiday to British Columbia: four weeks to rediscover what it was that first brought them together, only to preside, isolated from home, over their final partition.
On May 25th, 1933, her bags barely unpacked from the trip, Lois files for divorce. In the suit, Lois accuses him of telling her that he no longer loves her, of demanding a divorce from her as quickly as possible, and of ignoring her at parties.
All of which is true, although the detail about the parties is peculiar.
Why did you ignore her at parties? asks Teddy, his younger brother.
Teddy has emigrated from England and now lives in Los Angeles with a wife and children. Teddy has no interest in acting or pictures, which makes Teddy a welcome anomaly in this town. Teddy drives a car for the manager of the Ambassador Hotel.
But Teddy will be dead by the end of the year. Teddy will take to a dentist’s chair and expire from an overdose of laughing gas.
– I guess they were those kinds of parties.
He moves out of the family home to join Teddy’s brood in a rental unit on South Palm Drive. If he is miserable – and he is, because although he now has what he wished for, he is enduring the desolation of the bereaved – then he has company in his misery.
He has Babe.
Ben Shipman is also Babe’s attorney. Ben Shipman stores a separate bottle of Bromo-Seltzer in a drawer next to Babe’s file. This way, Ben Shipman can keep track of which of his clients is giving him the greater dyspepsia, and bill accordingly.
So far, Babe is winning.