His phrasing saddened her, his use of the past tense.
“I like you, too, Marc. But you don’t have a future. You’re not even sure you want one. You want your past, and I don’t exist in your past.”
Her words must have stunned him, because he blinked several times, his mouth open and his teeth glinting in the sun. “God, Selina,” he said finally. “When you put it like that . . .”
She put her right hand over his as it rested on her left arm, enjoying the length of his bare fingers and the way he gripped her bicep. She wanted so much for him to say that he would stay, set up some sort of Internet company in Salt Lake City, and take her out to dinner, on a real date. But it had to be what he wanted, not what he felt like he had to do.
“I want to settle down,” she said. “All I’ve ever wanted is a good job that I could be proud of, one that paid me enough to buy a house, and have a family. Travel, but for vacation, not because I need to wander. I’m a person who stays put, grows roots. Only Athol wasn’t a place I wanted to stay.”
She stepped closer, until they were touching, and he wrapped his arms around her. She pressed her head against his chest. “I’m not going to wait for you, but if you ever decided that’s what you want, too, give me a call. It doesn’t even have to be in Salt Lake City. Just give me a call.”
He kissed her hair, then she straightened up to face to him and he brushed his lips agaist her. She could almost stay like this, safe in his arms forever, the breath from his nose hot on her cool face.
But this was a good-bye kiss. There would be no nibbling on her bottom lip or exploring his mouth with her tongue. Whatever happened here—kiss included—wouldn’t end in anything other than them parting ways.
So she pulled away before she gave in to the temptation to get her bags from inside and follow him to the ends of the Earth.
“That’s good-bye, then,” he said, looking down at her, dampness in his eyes.
“And thank you.” She stepped out of his grip, wrapping her own arms around her for comfort and warmth. He reached out for her again, but she stepped back again. One of them had to do it. She could be the strong one if necessary.
He must have gotten the hint because he nodded. “Thank you for coming with me on this journey. I’m not sure where I’ll end up come summer, but I know that the past couple days with you have had a profound effect on me. If I end up doing something else great, it will be because I listened to you. If I don’t, it will be because I wasn’t smart enough to take your advice.”
She smiled even though her heart felt as though it was cracking in millions of pieces. “Good-bye, Marc.”
He opened his mouth to say something, then apparently thought better of it, turned and got in his car.
She didn’t let herself cry as he drove away.
Chapter Twelve
There was no denying that Marc’s room at Snowdance was nice. When he’d started this trip, he’d have been thrilled at the space, the expansive views of the mountain, and the luxury of his surroundings. But now he’d rather be back at the middling hotel off a freeway exit in Jerome, Idaho. At least then Selina had been with him.
And Selina had made all the difference in his life.
The bellhop stashed Marc’s bags where Marc had asked him to, then left with a generous tip. Marc tossed his backpack onto one of the queen beds, then flopped onto the other. The vast emptiness of the room stretched out from the bed to the mountains, echoing back off the snow. God, he wished Selina were here. But she didn’t want to be with him.
No, he corrected himself. He shoved up to a sitting position and forced himself to get up and walk over to the window. Selina wasn’t here because what she wanted in her future was different from what he wanted in his future.
Only that wasn’t true, either. He didn’t know what he wanted in his future. He could have stayed in Salt Lake with her. It’s not like he had to be anywhere at any particular time. But it wasn’t fair to her to use her to keep him entertained and distracted while he found himself.
Whatever that meant.
Here you are, he thought as he looked out over the slopes that would be covered in skiers tomorrow. He would be skiing tomorrow, too, and the next day, and the next, and the next . . .
When he thought about it that way, his future stretched out into a long stretch of skiing and driving between resorts. What had sounded like a dream a couple of months ago now sounded like a life sentence.