I can’t look him in the eye and see the pity. The weight of his stare is enough to let me know that he does know, or has a very good idea, of what I’ve been through.
Cord is standing in front of me, drawing me to his chest before I know it. His hug is simple, a platonic act that I need more than I even realized. When he pulls back and smiles at me, I’m a little steadier.
“I’m not judging you,” he says, his rich voice soft. “I’m just telling you that you should’ve trusted your gut.”
“How do you know what my gut says?”
“Will you stop answering me with questions?” he chuckles. “Elin . . .”
He walks in a circle before stopping by the entertainment center. He lifts a framed photograph of all of us—me, him, Ty, Jiggs, and Lindsay—a couple of weeks after graduation. We are at the lake, huge smiles and peace signs flipped up for the camera.
“I know how easy it is to get drawn into your head,” he says. “It’s easy as hell to sit around and think about everything that’s wrong and think of a way out because you’re desperate for the pain to end.”
He looks at me again, his eyes somber. “Graduation was hard on me. Everyone was so happy, planning their lives, you know?” He forces a swallow, his hand holding the photograph dropping to his side. He twists it back and forth and back again. “I just kept thinking how I was officially on my own.”
“Cord, that wasn’t true,” I say hurriedly.
“No, it was. My foster parents made it clear they were taking on another kid and I needed to find a place to go. They didn’t get the check from the state after that and they needed that income. I get it, I mean, that was their job, but I had a week to find a way to take care of myself.”
“Fostering a child shouldn’t be a job,” I say, my heart rate spiking. “You should take a child in because you love them. Not for a paycheck.”
His shoulders rise and drop. “It was what it was. I don’t know why I thought they’d be there after that. I guess because I was with them the longest out of all the foster homes I was in. It was my mistake.”
“Cord—”
He cuts me off with the wave of his hand. “So we were at the lake that day, all of us, and you were all going on about your plans and all that, and I just kept thinking how fucked I was. I didn’t know where I was gonna sleep in a few days. You all were having these huge parties thrown for you by your families, and I had a week to get out of my family’s house.”
“Oh, Cord,” I say, reaching for his hand.
He smiles, but doesn’t take it.
“That night,” he says, his voice gruff, “I went out to Dugger Lake. The same place I had sat with my mom when she visited me the only time in my life. I sat on the old railroad tracks that go over the water and thought about what options I had. The more I thought about it, the worse I felt.”
“Rightfully so,” I say, taking his hand in mine, even though he tries to pull it back. “Cord, you couldn’t help what your parents or what your foster family did to you. You had every right to feel bad about that! You were eighteen years old.”
“Did you know Jiggs and Ty found me that night?”
I look deep into his eyes, darker than I’ve ever seen them. A cold chill rips through me.
“No,” I say. “I don’t remember them saying anything.”
He slips his hand out of mine and sets the picture back on the shelf. “Well, they did. To this day, I don’t know if it was happenstance or if they were looking for me, but they caught me about thirty seconds from jumping off those tracks.”
“You would’ve died!”
“That was the point.”
“Cord!” I gasp, my hand flying to my mouth.
“I know,” he says simply. “Crazy, right? But at that moment in my life, everything looked hopeless and I was on the brink of making an insane decision. I just wanted the hurt to stop. I wanted the decisions made. I wanted to stop being different. If they hadn’t come when they did . . .” He turns and touches me on the nose. “I wouldn’t be here.”
Stunned, I walk backwards until the backs of my legs hit the sofa and I fall onto the cushions.
“That man of yours and your brother saved my life, Elin.”
A plethora of memories overtakes me and everything falls into place. “That’s why you stayed with us right after that.”
“Yeah,” he smiles. “And why your dad got me on at the mine, because Jiggs begged him to help me.”
“How did I never know this?”
“It’s not something you want broadcast,” he laughs. “You and Lindsay have always been so sweet to me. Good girls, the both of you. You have no clue how many times in my life you’ve made me smile, and it was the only time I felt happy some days.”
Words fail me. There’s no way to respond to that.
“You guys have been the only consistent thing in my life. Y’all have never turned your backs on me.”
“We’re your friends, Cord,” I choke out.
“Fuck that. You’re my family. The only family I have.”